So I am slightly embarrassed to admit this but I just had a night alone with my husband in our new place and I cried through half of it. Why you ask? No it wasn’t because we were fighting or having a bad time. Actually we were having a grand time. What was the turning point? My daughter’s empty crib.
It has been such a long road for me with her. I never knew if she was even going to make it into the world. But lots of prayer and a good doctor, she came into the world with the loudest cry I can remember. But that is not where the trials ended. She was taken from me immediately after she was born to the NICU because I came down with an infection during my labor, and then we spent almost three days trying to bond through the wires and the the hardship of trying to breast feeding. Of which never took off
You would think it would get better once we got home but that wasn’t the end. For the next two months I struggled to breastfeed because my milk never came in which led to day after day of frustration of pumping and trying to get my daughter to latch. It was a complete disaster.
But wait there’s more. Not only could I not produce milk but I also went into a deep depression. More than the baby blues. And it lasted for months. I couldn’t bond with my baby and I felt horrible since I didn’t think I was being a bad mother.
Now 19 months later I finally had a moment that erased all those doubts in my head. I found her baby hat today and that was the spark. She used to be so little and it is amazing how fast she has grown.
But the true moment was when I walked by her room and saw the empty crib. My wonderful mother in law has taken her for the night, and I know they are having so much fun, but I can’t wait to have her back. I guess it proves that I have grown past those difficulties and can love her whole heartedly. She is everything to me and she has grown me so much. There are days that I would love to have a break but it’s in those breaks that I realize that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Putting her bed each night in the highlight of my day. Hearing her say “bye” because she doesn’t know how to say “good night” just melts my heart.
I enjoy the time I get with my husband more than anything but I love my daughter. I just pray someday that I will have the opportunity to have and love more. Maybe someday I can have this verse be said about me. It would be the biggest honor of my life 🙂