So I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but I am one of the 10% of the female population who is dealing with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It is not a fun disease (I don’t know any that are). As Paul says in 2 Corinthians about having a thorn in his side, it appears we all have one in one shape or another. Mine is PCOS. To all the women who have it and struggle everyday to do simple things in life like losing weight and feeling more like a man than a woman I am right there with you.
But the one thing that is the most devastating part about PCOS is that fact it is super hard to get pregnant. I was blessed with a miracle of my beautiful little girl but it seems like trying to get pregnant again is going to harder than I thought. It has happened a couple times and each time it has ended with tears and frustration. If you can relate then you know what I am talking about.
So now I have to pick myself up again and look up to God for answers. When I am weak, He is strong right? Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. But thank God our faith isn’t based on our feelings. Sometimes we don’t get what we want at the time because it wouldn’t be god for us. Who knows, maybe God knew there was going to be problem with the baby so He decided to bring him/her home to His arms early. Would I have loved to have held any baby that I might have carried? Yes. But if it’s better for them to be with God, then that is where I want them to be. I still have a beautiful daughter who needs her mommy to be strong and of good spirits.
Maybe one day God will bless my husband and I with another bundle of joy but it looks like I have some things to work out first. God can’t fill already full hands and I need to content with what I have right now. Do I still desire another baby? Yes and, if God doesn’t bless us with another baby, I don’t know if that desire will go away. I am honestly still at the place that each time it appears I am pregnant and it turns out I’m not, or I was but had a miscarriage, whenever I look at a baby my heart aches. I see a pregnant mommy and wish that I could put my daughter back in my womb and feel her kick a move again. And when I see a mom or dad treating their child unfairly, I want to just go up and slap them because at least they were able to have children. I don’t have any guarantee that I will ever be able to have another baby and it kills me. But I can’t die a little bit inside each time because that is not fair to my husband and it is definitely not fair to my daughter.
Is is easy? Heck no. It is the worst thing in the world next to being diagnosed with cancer because in some ways it like having a cancer that you don’t die from. It know this is going to sound heartless to those who have either had cancer or lost someone to cancer but at least cancer is treated or you get to meet the Lord faster. It sucks but there is an end one way or another. PCOS there is no cure. There is nothing that can make me normal. I can use some treatments but they really don’t treat much. The natural remedies did help and I have been able to get my period for a year but if I back off then they will go away. So there is no fix. There is no end. I will have to deal with this my whole life until I go home with the Lord either by natural or unnatural causes.
My PCOS is my thorn but the question is – how will I live with it? Will I play the victim and say “woe is me”? Or will I lift my head high and keep fighting everyday to be a good mom and wife despite it? I want to say the later but, to be honest, I am still in the “woe is me” phase. I will get through this again and with the help of my doctors I hope to be able to conceive again. But I will need God to it. I can’t do anything without Him any way. I just need to keep looking up and have faith. Even when I am bawling my eyes out asking “Why God?” I know I will have more moments like this but a wise Pastor just said in a message, if you have to ask why God, do with open palms and not closed fists.
My hands are open and I want to move on. I just pray God will give me the grace to do so. So I will keep things posted on my journey.