The Sweet Moments of Joy

Since I am dealing with this whole PCOS thing, it is easy for me to look at what I don’t have more than what I do. I guess it has something to do with me being human. But this morning I was reminded by God that I have may blessings already. Yes, I have had another hard week with disappointment but that doesn’t mean I should miss out on the little blessing I already have.

Her name is Emma and she is my sunshine. This morning she did the cutest thing I think she has ever done. I was busy doing my morning chores and she came into my room with something in her hand that she was insisting to put in my hair. Of course her being a toddler, I was skeptical, but her little eyes were just begging me to let her do it. So I did and you know what it was? A star sticker. She thought it would look pretty in my hair like the clips and hairbands I put in hers. It melted my heart completely and I realized that this was my reason for living. If I never have another baby that is OK because I have the best little girl in the world. I mean how can’t you just smile when you look at her face?

Morning fun with Mommy after getting a treat this morning after breakfast :)
Morning fun with Mommy after getting a treat this morning after breakfast 🙂
This one is a little older of a picture but her smile is just as heart warming.
This one is a little older of a picture but her smile is just as heart warming.

She is my miracle. I should have put her middle name as Grace, but it is Rochelle, because she is God’s gift I don’t deserve. And after she was done decorating my hair, she went on to decorating my pants.

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Isn’t it pretty? Emma was sure proud herself and I kept them on for as long as the adhesive would allow.

It was what I needed this morning. So this is meant to encourage you today. God has His rainbow out there for you somewhere in your trials. You just have to look for it. It would have been easy for me to just push her away and tell her she was not going to put anything in my hair until I saw it, but that would have taken the joy out of it.

I love the quote by Beth Moore that says, “Today I choose joy. Even if I don’t feel like it, I will choose to be joyful in all things”. I feel like that was a good example to me. I decided to trust my daughter wasn’t putting a spider or something on my head and allowed her to do what she was trying to bless me with. And I was blessed.

So I hope today, if you are having a hard time, you look for the blessings and joy around you. It may not feel like there is any in sight but there is. Because the joy of the Lord is my strength and I will remember to choose it everyday.    🙂

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Dealing With PCOS

So I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but I am one of the 10% of the female population who is dealing with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It is not a fun disease (I don’t know any that are). As Paul says in 2 Corinthians about having a thorn in his side, it appears we all have one in one shape or another. Mine is PCOS. To all the women who have it and struggle everyday to do simple things in life like losing weight and feeling more like a man than a woman I am right there with you.

But the one thing that is the most devastating part about PCOS is that fact it is super hard to get pregnant. I was blessed with a miracle of my beautiful little girl but it seems like trying to get pregnant again is going to harder than I thought. It has happened a couple times and each time it has ended with tears and frustration. If you can relate then you know what I am talking about.

So now I have to pick myself up again and look up to God for answers. When I am weak, He is strong right? Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. But thank God our faith isn’t based on our feelings. Sometimes we don’t get what we want at the time because it wouldn’t be god for us. Who knows, maybe God knew there was going to be problem with the baby so He decided to bring him/her home to His arms early. Would I have loved to have held any baby that I might have carried? Yes. But if it’s better for them to be with God, then that is where I want them to be. I still have a beautiful daughter who needs her mommy to be strong and of good spirits.

Maybe one day God will bless my husband and I with another bundle of joy but it looks like I have some things to work out first. God can’t fill already full hands and I need to content with what I have right now. Do I still desire another baby? Yes and, if God doesn’t bless us with another baby, I don’t know if that desire will go away. I am honestly still at the place that each time it appears I am pregnant and it turns out I’m not, or I was but had a miscarriage, whenever I look at a baby my heart aches. I see a pregnant mommy and wish that I could put my daughter back in my womb and feel her kick a move again. And when I see a mom or dad treating their child unfairly, I want to just go up and slap them because at least they were able to have children. I don’t have any guarantee that I will ever be able to have another baby and it kills me. But I can’t die a little bit inside each time because that is not fair to my husband and it is definitely not fair to my daughter.

Is is easy? Heck no. It is the worst thing in the world next to being diagnosed with cancer because in some ways it like having a cancer that you don’t die from. It know this is going to sound heartless to those who have either had cancer or lost someone to cancer but at least cancer is treated or you get to meet the Lord faster. It sucks but there is an end one way or another. PCOS there is no cure. There is nothing that can make me normal. I can use some treatments but they really don’t treat much. The natural remedies did help and I have been able to get my period for a year but if I back off then they will go away. So there is no fix. There is no end. I will have to deal with this my whole life until I go home with the Lord either by natural or unnatural causes.

My PCOS is my thorn but the question is – how will I live with it? Will I play the victim and say “woe is me”? Or will I lift my head high and keep fighting everyday to be a good mom and wife despite it? I want to say the later but, to be honest, I am still in the “woe is me” phase. I will get through this again and with the help of my doctors I hope to be able to conceive again. But I will need God to it. I can’t do anything without Him any way. I just need to keep looking up and have faith. Even when I am bawling my eyes out asking “Why God?” I know I will have more moments like this but a wise Pastor just said in a message, if you have to ask why God, do with open palms and not closed fists.

My hands are open and I want to move on. I just pray God will give me the grace to do so. So I will keep things posted on my journey.

The Mother’s Heart

So I am slightly embarrassed to admit this but I just had a night alone with my husband in our new place and I cried through half of it. Why you ask? No it wasn’t because we were fighting or having a bad time. Actually we were having a grand time. What was the turning point? My daughter’s empty crib.

It has been such a long road for me with her. I never knew if she was even going to make it into the world. But lots of prayer and a good doctor, she came into the world with the loudest cry I can remember. But that is not where the trials ended. She was taken from me immediately after she was born to the NICU because I came down with an infection during my labor, and then we spent almost three days trying to bond through the wires and the the hardship of trying to breast feeding. Of which never took off

You would think it would get better once we got home but that wasn’t the end. For the next two months I struggled to breastfeed because my milk never came in which led to day after day of frustration of pumping and trying to get my daughter to latch. It was a complete disaster.

But wait there’s more. Not only could I not produce milk but I also went into a deep depression. More than the baby blues. And it lasted for months. I couldn’t bond with my baby and I felt horrible since I didn’t think I was being a bad mother.

Now 19 months later I finally had a moment that erased all those doubts in my head. I found her baby hat today and that was the spark. She used to be so little and it is amazing how fast she has grown.

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But the true moment was when I walked by her room and saw the empty crib. My wonderful mother in law has taken her for the night, and I know they are having so much fun, but I can’t wait to have her back. I guess it proves that I have grown past those difficulties and can love her whole heartedly.  She is everything to me and she has grown me so much. There are days that I would love to have a break but it’s in those breaks that I realize that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Putting her bed each night in the highlight of my day. Hearing her say “bye” because she doesn’t know how to say “good night” just melts my heart.

I enjoy the time I get with my husband more than anything but I love my daughter. I just pray someday that I will have the opportunity to have and love more. Maybe someday I can have this verse be said about me. It would be the biggest honor of my life 🙂

Proverbs 31:28
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.