I had an interesting thing happen to me this weekend. I was blessed to be invited to one of my dear friend’s baby shower for second son who is due in April. It was interesting because her first son and my daughter are only three days a part. So we were pregnant at the same time in 2014 but this time we aren’t, and everyone knows why. She has had her own road, and, trust me, I am SUPER happy for her and her husband. They are great friends and parents and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.
Where the test comes in is, am I happy without jealousy? You can be happy for someone but still have jealousy in your heart. I remember, before I was pregnant with my daughter, we were told we were never going to be able to conceive a baby, and you know those times where you are told you can’t have something it seems like Satan shoves it in your face? Well that is what happened. It seemed like with every turn I took there was another pregnant woman who was more than likely complaining about how much her pregnancy was inconveniencing her life. I used to get so made at that because this woman was complaining about something that I wanted to go through and couldn’t. I had to learn to not let it get to me and just let it go.
That was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. It was a real growing time for me in my life to not be angry and not to turn bitter. I had to spend a lot of time in prayer and surround myself with the right kind of people or I would have become a not very nice person to be around. I had to look at the women’s faces and the not the bulging bellies in front of me. Only then was I able to be happy for them.
Well fast forward two years, I was blessed with a miracle baby, (I am going to write a post on that next so stay tuned) and she is about to turn two. I am so blessed and excited to be with this little girl everyday. I am so thankful that God gave her to me. I just have to be OK with the fact that she might be our only blessing. Just because God gave her one miracle baby doesn’t mean that I am entitled to another one. I have to be able to be happy and content with what I have to be able to be blessed more. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean having another child. It could mean my daughter going to school or my husband getting a job promotion. As long as my hands are full, I can’t expect to take on any more. And that is how God works with his blessings.
All that to say, when I went to the baby shower, I had a choice. I could be honestly happy for my friend and the fact that God has blessed her with another baby even though He hasn’t blessed my womb, or was I going to be jealous and make the experience miserable for myself? Everyone one there was going to make it about my friend, was I going to or was I going to moan and groan about losing my three babies?
I am happy to report that I was able to enjoy the baby shower with full happiness and joy for my friend. She is such an inspiration of how to be gracious and beautiful. I really admire her.
So anyway, I am still not perfect but I can feel that I growing in this area of happiness in the mist of infertility. May God keep giving me the grace to keep moving forward. I want to be His hands and feet. I am His servant, and, what He wants, that I will do.