I know that my title is odd but let me explain. As of late I have a new life verse which is Romans 5:1-5.
Peace with God Through Faith
1: Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2: Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3: Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4: and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5: and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Can you see now the Yoda joke behind it? Of course it is in the totally opposite direction but I got a smile out of it. But now it is time to get serious. How is this my life verse for right now? Well my husband and I have just lost our third baby in a chemical pregnancy. I know that medically they say it is not a baby but I believe that life starts at conception and that is that. So to me that little ball of cells is my child and nothing anyone says will change that. Also as soon as sperm meet egg, I start having very specific pregnancy symptoms that I don’t have when there is no fertilization. Therefore – We have lost three children in the last seven months and two of them were in the past four months while we have been actively trying to get pregnant.
Needless to say, I am totally heart broken. We are totally content with our little family of three but would love to be able to add to it. So losing these babies has a hurt that I have never experienced before. It’s literally like your heart has been ripped out and stomped into a million pieces and put back in expected to work properly. It just can’t. To lose one baby is one thing but to lose three and have it be each time that fertilization occurred is depressing.
Now what? Well I am going to be going back in to see my doctor for more tests (which I am so excited to be going for more tests – not). I have felt like I have lived in the lab getting blood taken out of me since I was 20 and they thought I had leukemia. I just have never been able to catch a break. So now I get to do it again. I have a pretty good idea what the doctor is going to say since it is an implantation issue (the baby lives for two weeks until it is time to implant and that is when I lose it and have a super long 5-7 day and painful period when mine are normally mild and only 3-5 days) and not a fertilization issue. I am sure that I have scarring from my horrific delivery from my daughter back in 2014. I hope that isn’t the case but due to the fact that I have healthy periods, I would be surprised if it was thin uterine lining.
Any way, so either way it sucks to be going back to the doctor when I thought God had cured me. I mean, He gave me a daughter didn’t He? Why can’t I carry another baby? And that’s where the other side of what’s next comes in.
I will be the first to admit it is easy to blame God for your problems. I can give you a whole list of things that I feel like God has let me down in. Here’s just a few:
- I have considered obese my whole life and, no matter what I have done, I can’t seem to lose weight
- At the 12 months old I almost died from liver failure
- At 9 I was misdiagnosed with spinal meningitis and instead had a severe case of pneumonia and have had asthma ever since
- At 19 I went on birth control and gained 50 pounds in 6 months
- At 20 I was suspected to have leukemia and had to go through ALL the testing to find out that it was just my birth control
- After going off birth control, I didn’t have a period for 10 months and was diagnosed with PCOS and told that I couldn’t have children
- Was miraculously able to conceive but was told I would never carry the baby to term
- Carried daughter past my due date to only have a horrific 25 hour labor to almost lose her and had to have a d&c to remove all my placenta and to stop my hemorrhaging that I could have died from
- Was unable to breast feed my daughter because I had no milk
- Couldn’t bond with my daughter in hospital since she was in the NICU under close surveillance and I was under treatment for an infection I got during delivery and didn’t fully bond until she was 8 months old due to the initial separation
- And now I have had three chemical pregnancies in the last seven months
As you can see, I have quite the history that I could be mad at God for. I mean couldn’t He give me a break? Even when things were going “good” it was still stressful and in many ways not fun. I can see how people get to that point where suicide looks like a good option. If it wasn’t for my awesome husband and family, I very well could have been pushed to that point.
But I can’t be mad at God for all the hard things in my life because some how they are supposed to work out for my good according to Romans 8:28. I know that one thing all these things have made me stronger and I know a lot when it comes to medical procedures now. Didn’t know what a bone marrow biopsy was but now I certainly do. Ps: you don’t want one I will tell you that. I have had 5 spinal taps in my life so I know those too. I have been x-rayed in my chest so often that I could probably read them myself. They have also taught me to not be as a scared at a procedure. I can go to my happy place and lie there while they do what ever to me.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight bitterness against God. I do when things like this happen. I don’t know about you, but there have been many times that I just want to punch God in the face. But who do I think I am? He is the God of the universe and I think I can just go up and punch Him because He isn’t doing what I want? I really must be crazy. But it doesn’t mean these things don’t hurt.
I remember being told that I couldn’t have kids and the feeling of disgust I had for myself. Nothing for me physically was going right and now I couldn’t do the one thing that a woman was designed to do? Talk about wanting to be mad at God. Women were created to have children! And I couldn’t do it. Then when we got pregnant, yeah the whole experience sucked but feeling my daughter kick and wiggle inside me made it worth it. And you know what it did? It gave me hope. Well now I feel like I am right back where I was three years ago. I can’t carry a baby which is the one thing that I was created to do. So I have a choice. Do I trust God or do I turn away?
With the first miscarriage, I was OKish with it since the timing would have been horrible but I was recked with the second one. I cried for probably two days straight with that one because we had been trying and it looked like God was going to bless us again with another baby and He took that one away too. I mean I was recked and it took me a few weeks to get over it. This one though was a little better. It has taken me about three days to get through the stages of grief and I was actually able to open my Bible and pray. I would say that is progress.
That is when I came across Romans 5:1-5. Obviously growing up in the church, this is not the first time I have seen this but it is the first time I have seen it through my current view point. The title was Peace With God Through Faith and verse 3 says that we rejoice in our sufferings. At that point I wanted to throw the book across the room. Then I read on and this is where I thought Paul would make a cool Yoda;”3b: knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4: and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5: and hope does not put us to shame,”.
My sufferings in the past I know have created endurance. If I hadn’t gone through as much as I have I would give up at the slightest hill and my endurance has shaped my character to be the woman that I am today. And the part that I am working on is my character producing hope. Hope for me is hard since it has been dashed so many times. To be honest I am afraid many times to hope for anything since I know it will not work out. I had hope with this babies and look where it got me. But that isn’t the right attitude to have and I know it. It doesn’t mean it comes easy. I thought it was painful going through those 10 months when I 100% could not get pregnant since there was nothing to fertilize but the pain that I am currently feeling right now is 10,000 times worse. I am OK with not having more children but I would rather that I never was able to conceive at all because that leads to hope. But that is where the last part of the verse struck me. “And hope does not put us to shame”.
There is nothing bad with hope. We need it to survive each day. I just need to keep looking up. I will find out why I can’t carry another baby and I probably won’t like the answer but I pray I don’t lose my hope in God’s plan. I will keep you posted on what my new diagnosis is. And I ask for your prayers. Things are feeling dark and I pray that light will be shined on it soon.