I went to church last night and had a great time of worship. (Our church is on the big side so we have Saturday night and Sunday morning services.) Last week I was sitting in my seat in pain both physically and emotionally. I didn’t really want to go to church but my husband thought that we needed to so I went. I did take my latest crochet project to keep my hands busy and to keep me from crying the whole time. Any way, we went and I had to sit through a worship service praising God for His goodness and His love.
You can imagine how I must have felt at that moment. How could I say God was good and that He loved me when I was losing the third baby He had given me? All I wanted to scream was “IF You love me, then why am I hurting so bad?” I felt a stir in my heart with the feeling that God was right next me. He didn’t say anything but I knew He was there and that He would work with me.
I did end up crying for the majority of the worship service but was able to pull myself together to listen to the message which was about Jesus’ resurrection and the women finding the tomb empty. They loved Jesus so much that they were willing to risk their lives to go bless His body with oils even though there was no way that they would be able to move the stone or the flak they would get from the temple guards. Did I love Jesus that much that I would go and do something like that? Then when the angel told them that He wasn’t there but risen they went right away and told the disciples but they didn’t believe them.
Which would I be? The women who believed what the angels said or the disciples who didn’t? The disciples were still mourning and hiding to be honest. They didn’t know what was next for them. Their Jesus was gone and that was all they knew. But Peter and John believed the women and went to look for themselves. (I thought it was funny that our Pastor pointed out that John wrote in John that Peter was slow and he won the race.) Then they believed.
The point is that I had a choice right there. Was I going to believe that God has his best out for me or was I going to believe that He was putting me through this just because He could?
At the end of the service, our Pastor, Lance Hahn, wanted to do a prayer over anyone in the congregation that felt like they needed something to be completed in their lives by God. That we felt God doing something in us but we needed Him to finish it. Of course I didn’t want to stand up but my husband pulled me up and we stood there and let our Pastor pray. We both want an answer when it comes to our wanting another baby and we want God let us know whether or not His work is already completed with us just having Emma or that we will have more children.
I went the rest of the week trying to make worshipping and praying a thing that was more dominate in my daily life. I still had those feelings that God had let me down and was torturing me but I refused to believe them. Slowly they started getting smaller. And, after my full week of bleeding was done, it was right back to church. This time, I was able to actually stand and worship. I still needed to hold my husband’s hand, and I cried the whole time, but I was worshipping the Lord and not letting Satan’s lies win.
It still hurts but with God on my side I know we will work through this time in our lives. We may always be a family of three but I am OK with that because I have my Jesus and He loves me, this I know.