I come before You a very sad person today. I know I shouldn’t be with everything You have given me lately but I am for a very specific reason. You see, my husband and I were all ready to get him snipped and I was totally happy only having one child. It has taken me six months to really, really be ok with it since I knew deep down I wanted at least one more child but it seemed like my daughter was going to be enough for us handle. Also the economy has been a little tough for young people so logistically it made sense too.
Only, that isn’t how I feel right now. I feel betrayed, lied to, led on and unloved. Here I thought that I was where you wanted me and now You for some reason You have let me go through the one thing that had me a train wreck six months ago. You made me think I was actually pregnant and this time the baby stuck. 18 days Lord! You let me go 18 days late! Only to lose it. My body was doing everything it needed to from making me miserable all day with pregnancy symptoms but it wasn’t enough.
But this isn’t the first time this has happened. This is the third time in a year You have let this happen! Why?! Why do You keep putting me through this? Have I not been faithful in other areas of life to only be let down again and again when I think You are going to bless? I can’t take it anymore! I want the agony to end. I want to either have a baby or never have these incidents again. I would rather go every month and just have a simple period with no pregnancy symptoms than to keep having this happen.
I know You are good. The Bible says so and that You love me but I don’t feel it right now with tears blurring my vision and my heart feeling like it has been ripped out of my chest, stomped on, and then inserted back in. I don’t want to be afraid but, as a human, I don’t want to keep doing things that keep hurting me. It’s not healthy and it’s not what You had planned.
I know I live in a fallen world and crap happens everyday but I am also told You hear our prayers. You have done so in every other area of my life. You blessed me with a car, a house and things to put in it. My husband and daughter are healthy and we are all finally back together under one roof, but then this had to happen.
I want to have been able to hold my angels, but I can’t because You took them from me. I know You will take good care of them but I am their mommy and I wanted to take care of them. I wanted to change their diapers and do the endless laundry due to spit up 24/7. I wanted to rock them to sleep and play peek-a-boo during the day. I got to do it once with my daughter but I want to do it again. I want to have that feeling of them inside me moving around and doing their acrobatics that drive me nuts all night long. I wanted to go through the labor to get them here. I wanted to do it all, but wasn’t given the chance. I don’t know why but hopefully You will throw me a bone and give the Doctors an answer.
Because I want to praise You in the storm and the calm seas but I am getting tired, Lord. I am running out of tears and hope. I want to be used by You but I can’t if I am so drained I have nothing left to give. I see mommies with their little babies and my heart skips a beat one second but then plummets the next. I hate feeling this way Lord. Help me make the turn so I can go back to being a good mommy to the baby I have. She needs me and I can’t raise her hiding in my bedroom because I can’t tell another soul why it is we only have one child and see the look of disgust when I tell them anything but “I just can’t get pregnant again”.
So be with me now, Lord. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I am tired of trying and I am tired of hurting. I want to be strong but right now I am so weak. Help me find my way and lead me to where I am supposed to be.
Your little Child