How to Cope With Change (Sort of)

I know that is a funny title but let me explain. I have been going through a lot of change in my life and now we are going through another huge change in our family and that is my husband is looking to go for Master’s Degree and we are going through the steps to find out why we can’t have another baby. It seems like once we get through one curve of craziness we are hit right into another one. So I thought I would share with you the things that help me cope with change. the (sort of) part is because I am far from mastering them.

  1. Prayer

When you are going through a tough period in your life you have to use prayer. These past few months have been something that I would never suggest anyone go through. Losing everything and then being treated the way we have by our offenders has been heart wrenching, but it has made me a better prayer warrior and a little bit more keen on shutting up and listening to God for change.

Prayer is sometimes the only weapon we have against our enemy. Like right now my husband and I are tying to decide whether or not to take legal action. I have been praying about it and the Holy Spirit has laid it upon my heart to not pursue them in court. My first reaction is “What the heck? God, seriously? They can’t be allowed to do this. They have put us in tough spot and now You want me to just let them off the hook?” It doesn’t seem right but the only answer that was given to me:

Romans 12:19   Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Ug! But I wanted to kick some good for nothing landlord butt! I wanted to be like a Ninja Turtle and go in there and show them that this is wrong and they can’t do it again. But I guess that isn’t up to me. Of course then I asked, “But Lord! What if they bring a case again us?” This is what He gave:

Psalm 5:10-12

10 Make them bear their guilt, O God;
    let them fall by their own counsels;
because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out,
    for they have rebelled against you.

11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
    let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may exult in you.
12 For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
    you cover him with favor as with a shield.

It’s through prayer and God that we will be protected. Of course it might not be His will that we will not be served with papers but if we are then God will lead us through.

2. Worship

I know that one of the hardest things for me to do when I am in the time of trial is to worship. Worshiping when I am in pain seems like the biggest oxymoron there is. But you know what? It is the best time to worship. Worshipping God in the middle of a trial is the best way to get back at the devil. The devil can’t stay in a place where God is being worshipped. So in that moment where I feel low, I reach for the radio, my phone or just search deep in my heart sing out to God. Most of the time I really don’t believe the words I am saying right in that moment but I know they are true and if I keep saying them then their truth will shine through.

3. Community

Don’t go through anything alone. Heck, God made woman because it wasn’t good for him to be alone and it is the same still for us. Going through a trial alone is like starting a fire in the middle of a rain storm. There isn’t any help and you end up going no where in your journey. You might be looking like things are going in the right direction but if there isn’t someone else there to shield you from the rain then you will never get your fire going.

I have some great people in my life to mentor me and be there for me. They listen, give in instruction, and correct me when I am wrong. Just because I am a grown woman doesn’t mean I don’t need a swift kick in the butt and I know my support circle does it out of love. I would honestly want them to tell me I am being prideful then having to have God step in for me to get the picture.

So I would suggest getting some good solid people around you that will point in the right direction. Yes there is a time to complain and mope but that isn’t how you get a fire going either. Having a fire starting party with two people trying to start a fire in the rain is just as unproductive and you trying to do it by yourself. So find someone or two who will challenge you beyond your circumstance. Find those people who will cover you in the rain and help you with your technique and maybe giving a couple of dry pieces of wood to get your fire going. I am thankful God has given me the women in my life both those who are still on this earth and those who have past to be with Him.

The Sort Of Part:

So I hope those couple of things were helpful to you wherever you are in life. These things aren’t just good in trials but for everyday life. And that is where the sort of part comes in for me. It’s still easy for me for be in close contact with God in the storm but when the sun comes out and things get better I forget these things and start to back off on them so when the next storm comes in am end up in the rain by myself trying to start a fire and I have to start all over again.

My hope as I grow and mature in Christ that I will have these things either with all the time or have them very close by so that I can call on them right away and my wood won’t get all soaked. So I challenge you to go out and do these three things. Feel free to tell me how it goes. I love to read the comments left by readers and if you need someone to talk to feel free to email me at gracelynswritingcorner@gmail.com. God bless!

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Look in a Mirror: Parenting 101

My last post was one that was really from my heart and my goal with it was to touch someone who is in the same boat as me. I wanted them to see that they are not alone but that God is still good in the end with everything.  Well this post isn’t like that one. Not that God isn’t good still but rather this post is about my child I have on earth and not the ones I don’t have.

As you know, I have this bombshell of a daughter and she is the world to me. She doesn’t get the title of bombshell for nothing. She is beautiful and smart and will knock the socks off an elephant with her drive and her will. None of which is bad but keeping it focused in the right direction is really hard. I have tried certain things that people have suggested but I was still left with this wonderful child who is screaming (sometimes literally) at me to lead her and raise her in the way that God desires. What I was trying wasn’t working.

The problem with it though is that I have no idea what I am doing half the time. As a young first time mom, I am still trying to figure out all the do’s and don’ts  when it comes to raising a child in this day and age. This thing called discipline in one that has been become so confusing that I have often missed a great training opportunity because society has made doing the “old fashion way” of parenting really hard. And the crazy part is that my two year old figured it out! She knows that she wouldn’t be taken behind the shed or put on a time out in public since I really can’t do any of my tools in public other than just let her sit there in the store and have a tantrum over not getting that piece of candy. (Please understand that I have an awesome daughter and I know that. I am talking about those moments when children have those episodes they do at times. Most of the time I can take her any where and she fine.)

That was until I went seminar from the National Center of Biblical Parenting, and introduced to me the heart way of raising children. My daughter isn’t a bad kid but she is a kid whose heart needs to led in the right way to have her grow into a confident adult. The ultimate goal as a Christian parent is to bring my daughter to the feet of Christ and have her accept Him as her Lord and Savior. So I picked up their book Parenting is Heart Work and have had a hard time putting it down. I haven’t made it very far to know exactly how to help change my daughter’s heart yet but so far the book has been great as explaining what it means to be a heart based parent instead of just a behavior modification based parent.

So I will continue reading and let you know how things go with my daughter, but there was one huge thing that I learned with reading this book. The reason I think the book is written the way it is because us parents need to look in the mirror and get our act together in order to be able to parent our children properly. I am reading going “when do we get about my child?” But really it is touching my heart. My daughter has a thing with anger so I need to ask myself how to I react when she has done something wrong? Is my heart in the right place to be that leader and example she needs? So the title is fitting in two ways. You can’t give what you don’t have.

I can’t wait to keep reading. I think I finally found the answer I have been waiting for in order to turn my daughter off the track I can see her going down. She might be only two but with something like anger only gets bigger as they do. If I can help her now with it and help myself with it just imagine what life will be like when she gets older. Imagine the work God could do through her if something like this doesn’t get a chance to really take root in her as a child. I am so excited to get started.

Do you have a child that you have tried you feel like everything but nothing has worked? Why not give this one a try and let me know how your results are? We can start our own little support group because parenting isn’t easy. It’s the hardest thing that we can do but it is the most rewarding thing we could ever do.

So until next time, keep your head up and keep looking up. His grace is sufficient in all things.

Dear God,

Dear God,

I come before You a very sad person today. I know I shouldn’t be with everything You have given me lately but I am for a very specific reason. You see, my husband and I were all ready to get him snipped and I was totally happy only having one child. It has taken me six months to really, really be ok with it since I knew deep down I wanted at least one more child but it seemed like my daughter was going to be enough for us handle. Also the economy has been a little tough for young people so logistically it made sense too.

Only, that isn’t how I feel right now. I feel betrayed, lied to, led on and unloved. Here I thought that I was where you wanted me and now You for some reason You have let me go through the one thing that had me a train wreck six months ago. You made me think I was actually pregnant and this time the baby stuck. 18 days Lord! You let me go 18 days late! Only to lose it. My body was doing everything it needed to from making me miserable all day with pregnancy symptoms but it wasn’t enough.

But this isn’t the first time this has happened. This is the third time in a year You have let this happen! Why?! Why do You keep putting me through this? Have I not been faithful in other areas of life to only be let down again and again when I think You are going to bless? I can’t take it anymore! I want the agony to end. I want to either have a baby or never have these incidents again. I would rather go every month and just have a simple period with no pregnancy symptoms than to keep having this happen.

I know You are good. The Bible says so and that You love me but I don’t feel it right now with tears blurring my vision and my heart feeling like it has been ripped out of my chest, stomped on, and then inserted back in. I don’t want to be afraid but, as a human, I don’t want to keep doing things that keep hurting me. It’s not healthy and it’s not what You had planned.

I know I live in a fallen world and crap happens everyday but I am also told You hear our prayers. You have done so in every other area of my life. You blessed me with a car, a house and things to put in it. My husband and daughter are healthy and we are all finally back together under one roof, but then this had to happen.

I want to have been able to hold my angels, but I can’t because You took them from me. I know You will take good care of them but I am their mommy and I wanted to take care of them. I wanted to change their diapers and do the endless laundry due to spit up 24/7. I wanted to rock them to sleep and play peek-a-boo during the day. I  got to do it once with my daughter but I want to do it again. I want to have that feeling of them inside me moving around and doing their acrobatics that drive me nuts all night long. I wanted to go through the labor to get them here. I wanted to do it all, but wasn’t given the chance. I don’t know why but hopefully You will throw me a bone and give the Doctors an answer.

Because I want to praise You in the storm and the calm seas but I am getting tired, Lord. I am running out of tears and hope. I want to be used by You but I can’t if I am so drained I have nothing left to give. I see mommies with their little babies and my heart skips a beat one second but then plummets the next. I hate feeling this way Lord. Help me make the turn so I can go back to being a good mommy to the baby I have. She needs me and I can’t raise her hiding in my bedroom because I can’t tell another soul why it is we only have one child and see the look of disgust when I tell them anything but “I just can’t get pregnant again”.

So be with me now, Lord. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I am tired of trying and I am tired of hurting. I want to be strong but right now I am so weak. Help me find my way and lead me to where I am supposed to be.

Sincerely,

Your little Child

Why I Want Him to Get Cut

This one is for all my PCOS and infertile friends out there. If you have been keeping up with my blog then you will know that I have PCOS and a miracle baby girl. But since having her, I have not been able to get pregnant. I know everyone says that I need to stay positive and not do anything drastic but it has almost been a year since my husband and I have been trying and I can say I am really starting to be become done.

Sex is not that much fun any more since he and I have decided to start preventing again which  means him having to pull out and we miss out on that couple connection or we just have to do no penetration at all. I hate saying that but I can’t keep pretending that this part of my life is fine. I love the other parts of my life but everyone gets to see that part. They can see my new house and all the help that has been graciously bestowed on it but what they don’t get to see is the agony not being able to have another baby (or in my case losing two before they ever got to live) has on me. Most of my friends have had their second baby and I am sitting here unable to do anything about my wanting another baby without any result.

I told my husband a few months ago the reason I want him to have a vasectomy isn’t because I didn’t want anymore kids it was because I couldn’t stand being pregnant for two weeks and then having the period from hell. I want to be able to have sex with my husband without being hurt at the end of the month. I know that broke his heart but he understood. Right now we are waiting to find out if our current incident with a possible pregnancy is going to work out. I started to bleed yesterday so I am sure that it will end up just like the other two.

So if you are going through the same thing as me don’t feel like wanting your husband to get cut is a failure. I mean I am blessed with a beautiful and passionate girl who has my day full so another baby wouldn’t have made things “easier” but it would have added that much more joy to our lives. I have a message into my OBGYN right now about any possible testing to see if anything can be done but sadly I don’t see much hope. All I know is that I want this part of my life to be as happy as the rest of my life. I want to smile and be happy when more people on Facebook announce they are expecting or tell me that “it was a total accident” or “they weren’t even trying”. So I think that it is time for my husband to go have his procedure.

I mean it isn’t like he wasn’t going to do it eventually any way but we were hoping that it would be after we had chosen to be done with kids and not to keep me from being in pain. So I will love my daughter with all my heart and we will have fun. And if God blesses this incident to actually turn out to be a pregnancy then I will praise Him just as much but with a lighter heart than I have now. I know God is good and He has reasons for everything He does. I just need to fight off the enemy’s lies that I am no good and worthless because I can’t have anymore children.

So please take heart. This post isn’t to be a downer but an encouragement. If you have been thinking that enough is enough then that is completely ok. We are not meant to live this life with a down spirit but a spirit of love, joy, peace… and so on. I have to keep reminding myself of that as my husband and I look into this new avenue that we weren’t thinking would be a topic for a few more years. I hope the best for everyone reading this and may God bless you!