A Stress Free Christmas

There is so much going on right when it comes to Christmas. People have already gone through the annual hunting day of Black Friday and now we are moving forward still looking for gifts for people. But let’s be honest for a moment. Wouldn’t Christmas be souch better without all that hustle worry and stress?

Now let’s get one thing straight, I love getting gifts and I love giving gifts but not at the expense of my sanity. I don’t know how many times I have been told that someone really wants to give a person a gift (or they already bought them a gift) and were stressing that they wouldn’t like it. Is that the point of the gift giving process? No. The point is to give a moment of joy to someone because you thought about them and went through the trouble of buying them something. Now if it’s not exactly their style or what they would want then that is honestly the recipient’s issue because they should be thrilled to have someone in their life care about them enough to do such a thing.

So this post is for both givers and receivers. If you are wanting to buy a gift and you’re stressing about it before you even pay for it, then don’t buy it. Only buy things for people you know are going to appreciate it. And for the receivers, even if it isn’t something that you would buy for yourself, be grateful that your friend loves you enough to get you something. Because Christmas is supposed to be fun and I think that the whole gift giving thing has taken so much away from the joy of Christmas. Don’t let that be the case in your house. Have Christmas be fun and full of joy.

Merry Christmas!

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Is It Christmas Yet?

Ok, I haven’t done an Etsy post in a while and I know that Thanksgiving is tomorrow but I know we are all really thinking about Christmas. I know I am. I actually have almost all my shopping dine but I am really strange and start in August. So all of you how are not like me, I thought I would show you a few things that might get you into the holiday spirit from my Etsy Shop.

This one I want to show you is BRAND NEW to my shop (like seriously five minutes ago).

Owl Christmas Stocking

Isn’t it cute? I love the owl’s little flower eyes.

That is just a taste. I have so many other things in my Etsy Shop that I just love. If you love My Little Pony, Yoda, Sharks, and rugs, I have things for you. And I look forward to adding for items for next year. My shop maybe be small compared to others, but I can guarantee happiness and quality with every product I make. And I enjoy doing it. So why not make some holiday cheer and order from an Etsy shop owner today!

Miscarriage Memorial Celebration

To anyone who has lost a child and are looking for a way to make sure they are not forgotten, here is the right place to be. First it is not silly and it is totally valid for wanting to have a memorial for your little one no matter the age because we did something for our lost little ones. Let me tell you my story of what we did and maybe it will spark some inspiration for your event.

A week after my D&C was an emotional day for us because we got to have a celebration that recognized the life of our little angels. It was a such a sweet time and I wasn’t sure what my family would think about it but they came to give their support. Turns out they loved the idea of the celebration because we all believe that these were little people and now they are in heaven waiting to meet us someday.

I read a letter I wrote to my children and other family members said a few words. It was so nice to have that time to mourn over the losses as a family instead of just a couple. I think it’s totally ok to bring other family members into the grieving process because they have a version of it themselves. Our parents are mourning the loss of grandchildren, our siblings are mourning the loss of nieces/nephews, and we are mourning the loss of our children. They are all children just with different titles to different people.

After we had our time of speaking and crying, we then went out and hung a wind chime in their memory with four little butterflies on top.

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I chose to go with butterflies because there is a cool identity behind them. At first I thought maybe angels since we call them our little angels or rainbows because of God’s promise, but then I thought about the butterfly.

A butterfly is a cool insect because it is the picture of transformation. On earth we are like the little caterpillar soaking up God’s word and getting ready to make that cocoon, and then the process of death in the symbolized in the cocoon and when the butterfly breaks out we enter into God’s glory and take on our new heavenly bodies. Well, my little butterflies got to be transformed just a little bit faster than the rest of us. They didn’t have to deal with a regular body outside the womb that gets old and broken. They got to go from the most innocent version of anyone to being born into this perfect body up in heaven. So for that reason I wanted to have butterflies on the wind chime, and my parents found the most perfect one that has the most heavenly sound. It truly doe sound like my little butterflies laughing.

Another thing I got to keep my little butterflies close is I got a Miscarriage Remembrance Necklace from a beautiful Etsy Shop called Brilliant Keepsakes.

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There are so many options but this one just spoke to me since we have a good idea that our last baby was going to be a girl but we are not sure what the other three were since they only lived for a few weeks. I look forward to wearing this in their honor

And one last option we found to remember our little ones is by a Memory Angel Christmas Ornament . We ordered this one off Etsy as well from a shop called Charminglee Charms. We haven’t received it yet but it will be beautiful too. We ordered it with the color bead that would have been her birth month, and we will probably be ordering three more with the other babies projected birth month stone colors as well.

Even with the celebration past, I still miss my babies very much. I will always miss them, but I have hope that I will get to see them again. I will get to meet all four of them when it’s my time to be with Jesus and I can’t wait.

So if you have lost a little one, maybe hanging a wind chime, wearing a necklace or getting something like an ornament, any choice would work well for you to remember that they were a person. They weren’t just a bunch of cells whether you got to see a heartbeat or not. They were your baby and deserve to be remembered. Don’t let anyone make you think that you are making a big deal out of nothing. Losing a baby is painful wether it was at a few weeks or after birth. A baby is a baby and they deserve to be remembered forever.

Good luck and my prayers are with you.

One Week After D&C

Today is one seek since my D&C and it has been quite the week. I still miss my baby very much, but my heart is beginning to open to the idea of moving on. I still have to wait via doctor’s orders to keep from being with my husband but I think the time has been good in order to get my head going in the right direction instead of just jumping right into bed with him again and just trying to get back into life. I didn’t take the time with my others and we both suffered in the long run for awhile. So taking the time to heal before is very important to anyone who has suffered from a miscarriage.

My husband and I have really gotten a chance to talk about how we are feeling where we want to go in the journey of building our family or keeping it just as it is. The conversations have not been easy since we have had to answer some pretty hard inward questions but they have been worth it. We are still not sure where we want to go. We don’t know if we want to keep trying to keep trying for a baby or to just enjoy the little miracle we have.

There is really no wrong answer though which is nice. The right answer is to keep trying and the right  answer to just enjoy our only child. She is enough for both of us so we would be happy either way. We have some plans we want to do and adding a new born to our life would be tricky, but there is still that desire to keep trying.

If you are like me and are having this inward tug of war, know that you are not alone and there really is no wrong answer. You have to do what is right over all for your family and not what your parents or friends say, your doctor says or what society says. The only people you need to worry about is you and your partner and everything else will fall into place. I know because I have to tell myself that same thing every day. I know have to make a decision but right now I am going to take the next week to continue healing and reconnecting with my husband on an emotional level before we move back into our physical relationship.

 

How to Grieve a Miscarriage With a Child in the House

I have to say these past few days have been rather crazy. I am still recovering from my D&C and my husband and I are trying to work out our feelings about the loss of our baby. But there is one other person in our home that we cannot forget and that is our two and a half year old daughter. She has feelings just like us and she is very perceptive. We have tried to not make it a huge thing in front of her about the baby passing away, but she knows something is up.

To be honest it would have been easier to actually grieve without a child than it is with one. Let me explain. See, when you have infertility problem without having a child in the house already, there is the ability to openly grieve without little eyes looking at you wondering why mommy has now cried all of a sudden ten times in the last hour. Anyone know what I mean? Children are a lot smarter than people give them credit for and they can sense everything that happens in the house. So if I am sad, my daughter picks up on it and knows that something is wrong.

The other reason why having a child when you have lost another is because your fertility is staring you in the face everyday. You can’t get away from the reminder that at one time you were able to have a baby and now suddenly you can’t. It’s maddening. With my daughter, when things started rolling, they were stressful in their own way but she was a solid pregnancy (difficult birth) but no reasons that the pregnancy was ever in question. Now that I have lost four in a row, it’s so frustrating, but my daughter can’t know because she would feel bad if she really knew what was going on.

Trust me when I say my daughter is enough child for me just like your little one if you are in the same boat as me. And, honestly, she would be enough if my husband and I were never able to have another baby. Would it be heartbreaking for that to really be a reality? Of course, but are we preparing ourselves for that outcome? Yes. But here is the ticket for those of us dealing with secondary infertility is that we have a reason to live that those unfortunate woman who has primary don’t. We have our child that we have been blessed with and that is where having a child and grieving with them in the house is easier.

If I didn’t have my daughter while going through this, I would probably have fallen into a horrible depression. I would probably have internalized this situation to the point that it would have ruined the relationship I have with my husband and I would be curled up in a ball all day in bed because I frankly could. That is not the case for us with children in the house. They force us to get out of bed everyday when we feel like we are falling apart and live because they are still living. Yes, you lost a baby, or two, or three, or four, but you are still a mother to at least one on this earth.

When I get up every morning, especially right now, the first thing I want to see is my daughter’s smiling face. The day after my D&C I was feeling ok physically but emotionally I was drained. I knew she was up but I just wanted to disappear into the sheets, but I had to get up. And you know what I am so glad I did because I got to experience a real treat. My daughter wanted me to cuddle and hold her like I did when she was a baby. Now for those who have had a D&C or had a stillborn, the feelings of holding a baby again is painful, but, when my daughter wanted me do it with her, it was restoring. I knew I still had this little girl who needed me and I needed her. She is still my baby no matter how big she gets, and I will always be her mommy.

So the biggest advantage to having a child and dealing with a miscarriage if they give you a reason to live. They are your joy and strength in a tough time like this. My daughter is that joy and strength and she will be if she turns out to be our only child not by choice. But here are a few tips I am using to get through this valley of grieving when I am unable to show that I am grieving around my daughter:

  • Laugh with him/her
  • Play with him/her
  • Pray for direction and strength
  • Don’t forget to spend time with your husband together and as a family
  • See the blessing that is in front of you instead of the sorrow of your loss
  • And when you can, go into the bathroom and cry it out

That almost last one is the hardest for me. I know with my last pregnancy I had so many plans and dreams to do with this baby since I had learned from some of the mistakes I had made with my daughter. There were quite a few things I hadn’t fully enjoyed and embraced and I wanted to do them over again. But now none of those desires will come true. Will they ever come true with another baby? I don’t know. I still don’t even know what the pathology report says and won’t for another week on why this baby passed away so soon. But what I do know is that I didn’t stop being a mom when this baby’s heart stopped because I still have a child’s whose heart is beating still, and she cannot be forgotten. So continue living as we get to parent our little blessings while remembering our angels in heaven.

 

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My little blessing playing in her favorite spot. She brings so much life into our world.

 

A Mother is Always a Mother

So this weekend has been a tough one for me and my family. It was a weekend that we have tried so hard to avoid but it didn’t work out. If you are a follower on Facebook with me, you have heard part of the story but here is the whole story from the beginning.

On September 17, 2016 I knew that I had been feeling pregnant again and I was terrified. It was going to be the fourth time this year that this has happened and I know that I was just going to wait until I miscarried and not even bother taking a test this. I mean we had our infertility appointment set for the next so it would nave been a good time for it to happen anyway. But then I counted out the days since my last period and noticed that this time I had gone farther than any of the other three so I took a chance and took a test. To my amazement, I saw a plus sign. I was pregnant! Confirmed pregnant! No one could tell me that it was my imagination or that I was over thinking things.  I was pregnant.

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So I we happened to be going to an amusement park the next day with my family the next day so I had to tell them or it would have been really awkward. They were all excited since we had finally had a positive and had given up on trying. It looked like God was going to give a blessing.

So I went to my first appointment and everything looked and we got to hear the heartbeat. I was confident now that the baby had made it this far that it was going to make it to the end like my daughter. Went the second appoint and same thing. Everything was going smoothly except for a couple of scares that I went to the ER for as a precaution but they weren’t the type that were uncommon. Everyone kept saying everything was fine. To the point that I started putting a baby registry together.

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Then on November 10, 2016 I expected to go see my thriving baby and that wasn’t the case. I had just in the ER the week earlier and I heard the heartbeat. Now I lying there and there isn’t one. My baby was gone. There are really words to describe that feeling of seeing a thriving baby one time and then a shell the next. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to experience. I still close my eyes and all I see is the ultrasound with a flat line where my baby’s heartbeat should be.

I got to be with my angel for ten weeks and then she (we believe due to all my symptoms and my little bump I was forming were identical to our daughter) went to be with the Lord. Then on top of it all I had to D&C the next day since the baby had shrunk so much that my doctor was now worried for my health. So in a matter of 24 hours I went from being pregnant, to not being pregnant, to having a surgery. I was beyond words and all I could do was cry.

I couldn’t believe that what we thought was going to be our blessing for everything we have gone through this year had now turned into another heartbreaking event. The only thing was that I am not as angry at God anymore since I have gone through tree others. The thing with my reaction God was ‘make me barren or give me child’. I am done with the games. I don’t want to keep going through this and I don’t want to keep putting my family through this. It isn’t fair to anyone.

Thankfully the D&C went well and for now I seem to be healing nicely. I guess we will just see how things go. But there is still a lot of mourning going on in my home. My husband is just floored and upset. He is so tired of the loss. I am trying to be brave but it is hard.

I am still a mother since I have living proof of my daughter but I am really a mother of five not just one. Only you can’t see them, and that is so hard. It is easy for people to remember my daughter because she is with us and people have met her,e but one got to meet this little one or our other angels. I am so afraid of them being forgotten. They are just as much my kids as my daughter but they only live on in my husband’s and mine’s hearts.

We don’t know what the next step is from here since we haven’t heard back on the pathology report. I hope they can give us some answers since we have nothing but questions. Will we try for another baby? I have no idea. I have to grieve after this one before I can think about that. I do know we are running out of time for any more children and our daughter to be close in age. If it doesn’t happen by summer then we are more than likely done.

This has been a really hard road but I rejoice in knowing someday I will get to meet all four of my angels. Jesus please take care of them because down here on earth I want them back.

In Times Like These

So in America today, it is election day and this one has been a crazy one. And the worst part is that it is taring our country apart. They keep saying that we need to stand together, but there is one thing about any election and that is there is no way that is going to happen because in order to win you need to turn people against the other person which means there is no way for a country to stand as a whole.

It is kind of like how there will never be world peace. Everyone preaches it, but it will never happen because we live in a broken world. And we live in a broken nation just like the rest of the world. The only true way to have a group of people stand together with peace and harmony is when Jesus comes back. Only then will the true leader of the world sit on the throne and settle all the stupid arguments of which form of government is the right or not. I know which way I think it needs to be, but not everyone agrees with me. It just means that we all have our own opinions on how things are done. Personally I can’t wait for the day where it doesn’t matter what political party someone is.

Jesus come soon… That’s what I keep hearing, but I don’t think that people really understand what has to happen for Jesus to return. We have to go through WWIII and then the tribulation. Selfishly I want that part to take as long as possible, but, at the same time, I do want Jesus to come back. I guess we will see where America will play into God’s almighty plan after this election. We aren’t the best country in the world, but we will play a part. I just pray that it’s a good one.