A Mother is Always a Mother

So this weekend has been a tough one for me and my family. It was a weekend that we have tried so hard to avoid but it didn’t work out. If you are a follower on Facebook with me, you have heard part of the story but here is the whole story from the beginning.

On September 17, 2016 I knew that I had been feeling pregnant again and I was terrified. It was going to be the fourth time this year that this has happened and I know that I was just going to wait until I miscarried and not even bother taking a test this. I mean we had our infertility appointment set for the next so it would nave been a good time for it to happen anyway. But then I counted out the days since my last period and noticed that this time I had gone farther than any of the other three so I took a chance and took a test. To my amazement, I saw a plus sign. I was pregnant! Confirmed pregnant! No one could tell me that it was my imagination or that I was over thinking things.  I was pregnant.

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So I we happened to be going to an amusement park the next day with my family the next day so I had to tell them or it would have been really awkward. They were all excited since we had finally had a positive and had given up on trying. It looked like God was going to give a blessing.

So I went to my first appointment and everything looked and we got to hear the heartbeat. I was confident now that the baby had made it this far that it was going to make it to the end like my daughter. Went the second appoint and same thing. Everything was going smoothly except for a couple of scares that I went to the ER for as a precaution but they weren’t the type that were uncommon. Everyone kept saying everything was fine. To the point that I started putting a baby registry together.

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Then on November 10, 2016 I expected to go see my thriving baby and that wasn’t the case. I had just in the ER the week earlier and I heard the heartbeat. Now I lying there and there isn’t one. My baby was gone. There are really words to describe that feeling of seeing a thriving baby one time and then a shell the next. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to experience. I still close my eyes and all I see is the ultrasound with a flat line where my baby’s heartbeat should be.

I got to be with my angel for ten weeks and then she (we believe due to all my symptoms and my little bump I was forming were identical to our daughter) went to be with the Lord. Then on top of it all I had to D&C the next day since the baby had shrunk so much that my doctor was now worried for my health. So in a matter of 24 hours I went from being pregnant, to not being pregnant, to having a surgery. I was beyond words and all I could do was cry.

I couldn’t believe that what we thought was going to be our blessing for everything we have gone through this year had now turned into another heartbreaking event. The only thing was that I am not as angry at God anymore since I have gone through tree others. The thing with my reaction God was ‘make me barren or give me child’. I am done with the games. I don’t want to keep going through this and I don’t want to keep putting my family through this. It isn’t fair to anyone.

Thankfully the D&C went well and for now I seem to be healing nicely. I guess we will just see how things go. But there is still a lot of mourning going on in my home. My husband is just floored and upset. He is so tired of the loss. I am trying to be brave but it is hard.

I am still a mother since I have living proof of my daughter but I am really a mother of five not just one. Only you can’t see them, and that is so hard. It is easy for people to remember my daughter because she is with us and people have met her,e but one got to meet this little one or our other angels. I am so afraid of them being forgotten. They are just as much my kids as my daughter but they only live on in my husband’s and mine’s hearts.

We don’t know what the next step is from here since we haven’t heard back on the pathology report. I hope they can give us some answers since we have nothing but questions. Will we try for another baby? I have no idea. I have to grieve after this one before I can think about that. I do know we are running out of time for any more children and our daughter to be close in age. If it doesn’t happen by summer then we are more than likely done.

This has been a really hard road but I rejoice in knowing someday I will get to meet all four of my angels. Jesus please take care of them because down here on earth I want them back.

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