I am so grateful with how patient all of my readers have been with me. I am sure you are getting tired about all my posts on my life and pregnancy loss, but, right now, that is where I am. I am still writing and I have the third book in the Potholes series being proofed that will be released this late spring god willing. If you loved Potholes of Hope and Potholes of Courage, you will love Potholes of Triumph. It’s the third piece in a four part puzzle of Nora’s life and how God is using her and those she loves to do His great work.
It’s really awesome and I can’t wait to share it with you. There will be more info as the release date gets closer (like actually pick a release date) and all the great things that come with it! 🙂
Today was a really great day, but it now seems like it is ending in tears. Not because anything bad happened (actually something really great happened) but because it shows me that I still have some healing to do. I have been doing really well moving on with my life after my miscarriage going on two months ago, but I have to patient with myself and now that it’s only been two months since we said goodbye to our baby.
So the good thing that happened is that I got to see one of my best friends who lives about eight hours away, and we had a great time. This friend just happens to be pregnant and our babies were due two days apart. Praise God that her pregnancy is going well and life is good for them. We laughed, talked about their baby, and other thing s that are going on in both our lives since we last got together.What the hard part was that after they left, I started having those physical feelings of being pregnant. My breasts hurt, I was nauseated, and I was hardly able to keep my eyes open. All of my main symptoms with my last pregnancy, and quickly was followed by tears.
How was this all possible when I am not pregnant? Simple, your hormones are very powerful and they can sense things around you and mine picked up on the fact my friend is pregnant and it misses being pregnant. The symptoms are finally now wearing off thankfully since my husband and I made the decision to not try again due to the results of our baby’s pathology report so it wouldn’t like we would be really excited if I was pregnant so soon after a D&C. It would be heartbreaking since the odds of it ending the same way as our last four would be rather high. It would be a thing that would be a stress and worry and not a thing of joy and happiness that a new baby should bring.
What it just proved to me was how much I miss my baby and how far I have left to heal. Someday I will be healed but right now the wounds are still there. If you are same place, we are in this together. It doesn’t happen over night and God is with me every step of the way. I still don’t understand why this has happened to us and I probably never will this side of heaven. All I know is that I have to keep the faith and enjoy the family He has given me.
Today is a sad day for many geeks in the world with the loss of Carrie Fisher. She will always be that spunky Princess Leia to me as I grew up watching her in only that trilogy, but there is more sadness with this past year since it feels like there have been so many icons lost this year.
- Florence Henderson
- Alan Thicke
- Gene Wilder
- Muhammad Ali
- David Bowie
- John Glenn
- First Lady Nancy Reagan
- Arnold Palmer
- Kenny Baker (R2D2)
And many others that would fill this blog post. It’s crazy the famous people we have lost in 2016. They seemed like they would live forever and now that they are gone, it’s just sad and I am awestruck but not in the way I want to be.
I grew up watching Brady Bunch and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I just can’t believe these people are not here anymore. I guess that we all have to pass away at some time but these people seemed to be special. There have been others that have passed on too like Robin Williams over the past couple of years. I still can’t watch Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire without feeling sad knowing that I am just watching a recording and he isn’t on this earth still. The same goes for the people we have lost this year.
But there is an added sadness for me being a Christian for these people because I don’t know if any of these people will be in heaven. Most I would say not which means that the life they had on this planet, whether it be good or bad, will be the best life they will have. So I guess, deep down, that is what makes me the saddest is that the fame and money will do nothing for them now, whereas, if they had had Christ in their life, the rewards that could have been there for them would have been ten fold what they had on this earth. In total, I hope and pray I am wrong I will be able to finally meet most of my icons growing up in heaven and I will be able to hear their story from their own mouths. That would be a dream come true in itself.
But we still need to pray for the families that are grieving. Know that there are millions of people grieving right alongside you.
So here is actually a funny story for today. I know my posts lately have been about loss and sadness, but there is a lot of joy and good going on in my life. One of them happened yesterday even though they didn’t start out that way.
So yesterday my husband got our daughter ready to go since I drive him to work being we only have one car. I asked him does she have on pants and he said that she didn’t want to wear them, but he will put them in the car. We leave and I have to go to Home Depot on the way home and therefore Emma having pants was kind of a big deal. I grab the jumbled fabric that he said were pants and it was a long sleeve shirt. She of course already had a shirt, and I needed pants.
A little miffed at my husband, I go to Home Depot anyway and try to think about what I was going to do about my daughter not having any pants. Well, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in my heart and said, “It’s a long sleeve shirt. Put it on like a skirt and tie the sleeves in the back to keep it on”. It was genius!
Doesn’t she look cute with her skirt shirt thing? And everyone kept telling me that my daughter’s outfit was so cute as we walked through the store. If only they knew what kind of morning had led up to it. So, in the honor of that guy who now plays Bailywick in Sofia the First, I made it work 🙂
It feels like this journey of grieving over my baby is never going to end. I guess that because every couple of weeks should have been a mile stone passed. This time we should have been able to announce that we were pregnant to the world. Many people I know are pregnant and have just announced it and I am super happy for them but I am also very jealous. I should have been able to do the same! Everyone should have known that we were expecting another baby not that we just lost one! Today has been really hard for me and in another couple of weeks will be another bad day because we were supposed to find out for sure if we were having a girl or boy.
I keep trying to tell people I am okay, but, in all truth, I am really not okay. I am still angry, upset and crushed because I lost my baby. I had my baby taken away from me, meanwhile, I get to stand by and watch everyone else enjoy the excitement of theirs. I am sitting here crying again writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I have been doing projects all day trying to distract myself but now I have run out of things to do and the mental capacity to do them. I am so not okay.
But I know there is hope because I know it’s fine that I am not okay. It’s okay that I can’t go back to serving in my church’s baby program because I can’t hold another baby without crying. When will I ready? I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take for my heart not to ache when I see a new born in the store in the line next me. I don’t know when I won’t cry when I think about my baby that should have been to the point when I could feel her. Or feel like a failure when my husband is about to sign his vasectomy papers because our infertility is something that can’t really be fixed. I don’t know anything.
What I do know if that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay for me to not know what the future has in store. But, if you’re like me and are not okay, then know we are not alone. There are so many hurting men and women out there who don’t know when they will okay either. I can only put one foot in front of the other on days like today. Tomorrow can only be better.
I just read a really great devotion from Joyce Meyer in her book Trusting God Day by Day. In it was a saying of standing up on the inside. We are in a very interesting time in world history with America’s presidential election and everything still going on the middle east. There are many people standing up literally for what they think is right even though most of them are just throwing a tantrum. It’s not truly protesting or standing up for anything. But I won’t get into that at the moment.
What I just want to say is that standing up for things is important but sometimes it is best to just stand up on the inside. To still have your convictions but to use them at the appropriate time. Everything in good time right? That goes for standing up for something too. There is so much I want to stand up for and scream at the top of my lungs to get what I want but I can’t always do that. I have to be patient and wait on God to give me the moment to do so.
But one thing is for sure, I will always be a Patriot, Christian, and supporter of freedom. That I will always stand up for whether it be on the inside or the outside.