I Will Get to Writing About Books Again

I am so grateful with how patient all of my readers have been with me. I am sure you are getting tired about all my posts on my life and pregnancy loss, but, right now, that is where I am. I am still writing and I have the third book in the Potholes series being proofed that will be released this late spring god willing. If you loved Potholes of Hope and Potholes of Courage, you will love Potholes of Triumph. It’s the third piece in a four part puzzle of Nora’s life and how God is using her and those she loves to do His great work.

It’s really awesome and I can’t wait to share it with you. There will be more info as the release date gets closer (like actually pick a release date) and all the great things that come with it! 🙂

 

Still Missing My Baby and Trying to Heal

Today was a really great day, but it now seems like it is ending in tears. Not because anything bad happened (actually something really great happened) but because it shows me that I still have some healing to do. I have been doing really well moving on with my life after my miscarriage going on two months ago, but I have to patient with myself and now that it’s only been two months since we said goodbye to our baby.

So the good thing that happened is that I got to see one of my best friends who lives about eight hours away, and we had a great time.  This friend just happens to be pregnant and our babies were due two days apart. Praise God that her pregnancy is going well and life is good for them. We laughed, talked about their baby, and other thing s that are going on in both our lives since we last got together.What the hard part was that after they left, I started having those physical feelings of being pregnant. My breasts hurt, I was nauseated, and I was hardly able to keep my eyes open. All of my main symptoms with my last pregnancy, and quickly was followed by tears.

How was this all possible when I am not pregnant? Simple, your hormones are very powerful and they can sense things around you and mine picked up on the fact my friend is pregnant and it misses being pregnant. The symptoms are finally now wearing off thankfully since my husband and I made the decision to not try again due to the results of our baby’s pathology report so it wouldn’t like we would be really excited if I was pregnant so soon after a D&C. It would be heartbreaking since the odds of it ending the same way as our last four would be rather high. It would be a thing that would be a stress and worry and not a thing of joy and happiness that a new baby should bring.

What it just proved to me was how much I miss my baby and how far I have left to heal. Someday I will be healed but right now the wounds are still there. If you are same place, we are in this together. It doesn’t happen over night and God is with me every step of the way. I still don’t understand why this has happened to us and I probably never will this side of heaven. All I know is that I have to keep the faith and enjoy the family He has given me.

God bless!

Praising God for Strong Willed Children

I know this is a reblog, but I felt like it was needing to be posted again. My little fireball is now almost three and we don’t have it all figured out yet. But I know that each day, by the grace of God, we make it through. So don’t see your strong will children as burdens but rather as a mission field. Use their energy toward the things of God. Because imagine what they could accomplish with the drive that they have? 🙂

Gracelyn's Writing Corner

It’s funny. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had all these dreams and hopes of the person my daughter was going to be. I thought about all the pictures we would drawn and all the hide and seek games we would engage in. It was going to be perfect. There was just one thing that I didn’t think of. My cute, perfect daughter having a mind of her own.

Trust me, it’s not like I wanted a robot but my daughter’s personality is one that is a bit of a challenge for me. She is a super strong willed and stubborn child who makes the most simple requests (like don’t touch the blinds) into a big deal with yelling, screaming and me having to discipline her. If it was me as a child, the simple warning would have been enough. No not my child. For example with the…

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2016, Why?

Today is a sad day for many geeks in the world with the loss of Carrie Fisher. She will always be that spunky Princess Leia to me as I grew up watching her in only that trilogy, but there is more sadness with this past year since it feels like there have been so many icons lost this year.

  • Florence Henderson
  • Alan Thicke
  • Gene Wilder
  • Muhammad Ali
  • Prince
  • David Bowie
  • John Glenn
  • First Lady Nancy Reagan
  • Arnold Palmer
  • Kenny Baker (R2D2)

And many others that would fill this blog post. It’s crazy the famous people we have lost in 2016. They seemed like they would live forever and now that they are gone, it’s just sad and I am awestruck but not in the way I want to be.

I grew up watching Brady Bunch and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I just can’t believe these people are not here anymore. I guess that we all have to pass away at some time but these people seemed to be special. There have been others that have passed on too like Robin Williams over the past couple of years. I still can’t watch Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire without feeling sad knowing that I am just watching a recording and he isn’t on this earth still. The same goes for the people we have lost this year.

But there is an added sadness for me being a Christian for these people because I don’t know if any of these people will be in heaven. Most I would say not which means that the life they had on this planet, whether it be good or bad, will be the best life they will have. So I guess, deep down, that is what makes me the saddest is that the fame and money will do nothing for them now, whereas, if they had had Christ in their life, the rewards that could have been there for them would have been ten fold what they had on this earth. In total, I hope and pray I am wrong I will be able to finally meet most of my icons growing up in heaven and I will be able to hear their story from their own mouths. That would be a dream come true in itself.

But we still need to pray for the families that are grieving. Know that there are millions of people grieving right alongside you.

God bless.

 

 

Making it Work

So here is actually a funny story for today. I know my posts lately have been about loss and sadness, but there is a lot of joy and good going on in my life. One of them happened yesterday even though they didn’t start out that way.

So yesterday my husband got our daughter ready to go since I drive him to work being we only have one car. I asked him does she have on pants and he said that she didn’t want to wear them, but he will put them in the car. We leave and I have to go to Home Depot on the way home and therefore Emma having pants was kind of a big deal. I grab the jumbled fabric that he said were pants and it was a long sleeve shirt. She of course already had a shirt, and I needed pants.

A little miffed at my husband, I go to Home Depot anyway and try to think about what I was going to do about my daughter not having any pants. Well, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in my heart and said, “It’s a long sleeve shirt. Put it on like a skirt and tie the sleeves in the back to keep it on”. It was genius!

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Doesn’t she look cute with her skirt shirt thing? And everyone kept telling me that my daughter’s outfit was so cute as we walked through the store. If only they knew what kind of morning had led up to it. So, in the honor of that guy who now plays Bailywick in Sofia the First, I made it work 🙂

It’s Okay Not to be Okay – Thoughts During Grieving a Child

It feels like this journey of grieving over my baby is never going to end. I guess that because every couple of weeks should have been a mile stone passed. This time we should have been able to announce that we were pregnant to the world. Many people I know are pregnant and have just announced it and I am super happy for them but I am also very jealous. I should have been able to do the same! Everyone should have known that we were expecting another baby not that we just lost one! Today has been really hard for me and in another couple of weeks will be another bad day because we were supposed to find out for sure if we were having a girl or boy.

I keep trying to tell people I am okay, but, in all truth, I am really not okay. I am still angry, upset and crushed because I lost my baby. I had my baby taken away from me, meanwhile, I get to stand by and watch everyone else enjoy the excitement of theirs. I am sitting here crying again writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I have been doing projects all day trying to distract myself but now I have run out of things to do and the mental capacity to do them. I am so not okay.

But I know there is hope because I know it’s fine that I am not okay. It’s okay that I can’t go back to serving in my church’s baby program because I can’t hold another baby without crying. When will I ready? I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take for my heart not to ache when I see a new born in the store in the line next me. I don’t know when I won’t cry when I think about my baby that should have been to the point when I could feel her. Or feel like a failure when my husband is about to sign his vasectomy papers because our infertility is something that can’t really be fixed. I don’t know anything.

What I do know if that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay for me to not know what the future has in store. But, if you’re like me and are not okay, then know we are not alone. There are so many hurting men and women out there who don’t know when they will okay either. I can only put one foot in front of the other on days like today. Tomorrow can only be better.

Standing Up On the Inside

I just read a really great devotion from Joyce Meyer in her book Trusting God Day by Day. In it was a saying of standing up on the inside. We are in a very interesting time in world history with America’s presidential election and everything still going on the middle east. There are many people standing up literally for what they think is right even though most of them are just throwing a tantrum. It’s not truly protesting or standing up for anything. But I won’t get into that at the moment.

What I just want to say is that standing up for things is important but sometimes it is best to just stand up on the inside. To still have your convictions but to use them at the appropriate time. Everything in good time right? That goes for standing up for something too. There is so much I want to stand up for and scream at the top of my lungs to get what I want but I can’t always do that. I have to be patient and wait on God to give me the moment to do so.

But one thing is for sure, I will always be a Patriot, Christian, and supporter of freedom. That I will always stand up for whether it be on the inside or the outside.

Where Did the Christmas Tree Come From?

As I am sitting here admiring my Christmas tree, I started thinking “where did the tradition of bringing a live tree in the house, wrapping electricity (in the beginning, candles) around it, and then stuffing paper under it?” So I did some digging.

It was actually pretty cool. According to History.com, the first notice of people bringing in an evergreen was with the vikings when they would want to bring some light into their homes during to the long winter season. But the first Christmas Tree was actually started in Germany and they were called Paradise Trees since the first ornaments were apples. Can anyone guess the connection? Yes, it was to the Garden of Eden. And from there the Christmas tree evolved, but didn’t make it to main stream until Queen Victoria encouraged her German husband to set up a tree like he did as a child. It was published in a newspaper and of course everyone wanted to get one. After that the production of ornaments started in Germany and once the light bulb was made the candles were replaced.

But the Christmas tree is a tradition that I love the most when it comes the less religious side of the season. I also know that many Christians don’t put up a tree due to the fact that those who celebrate the winter solstice also use an evergreen tree as a sign of fertility. Whether or not that is really used much anymore, they still will not put up a tree in their homes. They think it to be a pagan thing which I think is silly since it all depends on your perspective. I guess that would mean we should celebrate Easter either since the eggs and bunnies are a sign of fertility too. But I look beyond that and see memories to be made and the rising of my Savior.

So I just thought that was interesting about the Christmas tree. I know I love my tree and enjoy spending evenings just sitting under it with a cup of cocoa and my family.  It’s the perfect time to tell my daughter the true reason for the season. I get to tell her about how God sent His son to be born so that He could be the Savior of the world. It’s a time of hope and renewal and I love every moment of it.

Merry Christmas!

 

My Song For 2016

This song is my song for the year. It has helped me get up when I just wanted to lie down and give up, it has been a reminder that God is with me no matter how I might feel in that moment, and it has shown me that I can’t change anything. The only thing I can really do in this life is to look up and keep going forward. I think the song tells the rest of this perfectly and better than I could. Enjoy 🙂

 

(I am not being paid to post this video)

Exam Time – Practice What I’ve Learned

So this past weekend was my churches Christmas Women’s Event. It was awesome but there was an interesting story for me to get there. I have been doing a lot of study on stress and how to not let things get to me lately. I don’t know about you, but I am one that plans things out to the minute. I know exactly how long it takes me to get from point A to point B and how long something should take. So things go wrong, I get a little stressed out. Of course it was all out of my control so I don’t know why they bugged me so much. I guess I just like to have control so when it’s taken a way, I panic.

Well I have been really trying to fix that. I have been reading Joyce Meyer’s book Overload and she talks a lot just letting things go and rolling with life. Something I would like to think I do but I know I have a hard time with. Now, I am a very resourceful person and will figure out a solution to my change of plans or circumstance but the problem is I will concentrate all day on how the first plan went wrong. The thing is over and done with but I will stress myself out all day because I can’t let go about how my plan was better. Of course many times the new plan was actually better than my original plan, but I will still harbor about how my plans got ruined. Do I have anyone out there that can relate?

So, in Joyce’s book, she had some really great ideas on how to let things go and change patterns in your life to help with stress and coping with stress, and I have been using them. It’s actually quite amazing actually how you feel when you don’t try to control everything. Any way, let me tell you my story on how Satan decided yesterday was the perfect to give me an exam on what I have been learning.

Like I said, yesterday was the Christmas Event and I had been looking forward to this evening for weeks. I had my outfit all picked out and ready to go, I had things all out for my husband as he watched our daughter, and now I was just waiting to get ready to go. Morning of I woke up with this giant pimple on my chin. You know the type that if you keep messing with only gets bigger and bigger? Yeah, that was fun but I wasn’t going to worry about it and maybe it would be ready by the evening. Then the morning goes pretty smoothly as I took my husband to work and went grocery shopping. My daughter wanted to go to the gym but I  told her she needed to do quiet time first so she put herself down almost an hour early so we could go. Nothing to worry about right? A little pimple wasn’t going to ruin my day. Heck, during quiet time I actually got to write two chapters in my latest book I am writing!

Then the fun began after she woke up. See, I needed to take a shower and such to go to the event and I thought we were going to gym so I didn’t take one during quiet time and wrote instead. MY daughter wakes up and suddenly she doesn’t want to go to the gym anymore. Well, she had no choice and, after a yelling tantrum in the car all the way there, she was running into the doors to go play. Normally I would have said “screw it” and gone home but I know at the gym I would get to be able to get in peace and have a long shower.

Once I drop my daughter off in child care, I go to the locker room. I find a locker and try it out since it’s one of those digital ones that the batteries always die in and it worked so I out my stuff in and got ready for my shower. I go to lock it and now the battery is dead. So here I am in the towel and I have to unpack this one and find another. I try two more lockers and the same thing happens. Now I have to say this time I didn’t react the best but I didn’t react harshly. I finally found a working locker and went to take my shower.

I literally had one minute of hot water, and it was slowest time of the day for gym which means no one was there! Where the heck did all the hot water go. So instead of having a nice long hot shower, I was stuck with a cold military one. Can you see where I am saying that it had been exam time because having all these things back to back just seemed too ironic. It seemed like when I failed to get stressed out or mad about thing, Satan just tried another.

Well it didn’t stop at the shower since I just turned the water off and went to put my clothes on. As I was out dressing, my cami somehow snapped across my face. I have never done it before and I honestly I can’t figure out how I did it all together, but I do know this – it hurt really badly. Now I am really catching on to Satan’s plan and the reasoning side is trying to make the choice of let it go and move on or get angry and the reactive side just wants to wants to scream and throw a fit at this point. But I stay with my plan and keep staying clam.

Sadly, the test wasn’t over. Hair and Makeup went wrong and then I literally couldn’t get my bag out of the locker. But, finally, I was dressed and ready to go get my daughter. I sign her out and the topper of the exam happened. I snagged my lace shirt on something completely invisible on the wall. I went over the spot over and over again and couldn’t find anything that could have snagged my shirt. Satan was having such a fit that I wasn’t falling for his games that he snagged my shirt. My reaction? “Oh well, you can see it unless I point it out and, if I try to fix it, I’ll just make it worse.

I could just picture Satan at that point. He was probably kicking a screaming because I had failed his test and I went on to have a lovely evening at the even with my friends and family. But you know what? I felt good because I failed and I knew that God was smiling because I am actually learning from what I am studying.

Now the next time I might completely fail, but in that moment I had victory.