It feels like this journey of grieving over my baby is never going to end. I guess that because every couple of weeks should have been a mile stone passed. This time we should have been able to announce that we were pregnant to the world. Many people I know are pregnant and have just announced it and I am super happy for them but I am also very jealous. I should have been able to do the same! Everyone should have known that we were expecting another baby not that we just lost one! Today has been really hard for me and in another couple of weeks will be another bad day because we were supposed to find out for sure if we were having a girl or boy.
I keep trying to tell people I am okay, but, in all truth, I am really not okay. I am still angry, upset and crushed because I lost my baby. I had my baby taken away from me, meanwhile, I get to stand by and watch everyone else enjoy the excitement of theirs. I am sitting here crying again writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I have been doing projects all day trying to distract myself but now I have run out of things to do and the mental capacity to do them. I am so not okay.
But I know there is hope because I know it’s fine that I am not okay. It’s okay that I can’t go back to serving in my church’s baby program because I can’t hold another baby without crying. When will I ready? I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take for my heart not to ache when I see a new born in the store in the line next me. I don’t know when I won’t cry when I think about my baby that should have been to the point when I could feel her. Or feel like a failure when my husband is about to sign his vasectomy papers because our infertility is something that can’t really be fixed. I don’t know anything.
What I do know if that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay for me to not know what the future has in store. But, if you’re like me and are not okay, then know we are not alone. There are so many hurting men and women out there who don’t know when they will okay either. I can only put one foot in front of the other on days like today. Tomorrow can only be better.