Second Hardest Day of My Life

   So today is a hard day for me because it was supposed to be my baby’s due date. I was supposed to be making hospital plans and having to pee every five minutes due to a growing baby using it as a trampoline. I was supposed to have a new nursery all prepared and have read my daughter books on how to be a big sister. But none of those things are happening for me and my husband. Instead of it being a day of accomplishment, it is a day of sadness at what we should be doing. Also tomorrow we are going to urology to make sure that we won’t lose another baby, Lord willing, ever again.

   But even though I am sad that we won’t be able to be like our friends who are about to deliver their babies or just announced they are expecting again, I am trying to find joy in what I have been blessed with. I have this beautiful miracle child who is more than enough for us to handle. I have the most wonderful and supportive husband to go through this with. And I have a loving support system who have prayed and supported me through these tough nine months. I thank everyone who has been there for me and my husband as we have gone back and forth with what is best for our family. I honestly couldn’t have done this without knowing that there were people out there praying for us and interceding the devil to not get us down. Thank you all again.

   So what is the next step for us? Well, my husband isn’t going to have the best Memorial Day Weekend this year that’s for sure, but he and I think it is best. Are you a woman or man in out position? Are you wondering if you have had enough? It’s okay to say that something like a Vasectomy is the best thing for you and your partner. There is nothing weak about it. Ask the male partner. He will never say that a vasectomy is a weak man’s decision. I don’t know one man who would honestly raise his hand and say “yes, I want a vasectomy”. So it’s not the easy way out by any means.

   I am actually a little nervous because someone else will be in my husband area and I have to say I am very protective of him. I mean, who wouldn’t be? So not only am I having an emotional day with it being my baby’s due date, but I am also a little stressed out with it being the final day of us trying for a baby and someone else messing with my husband’s junk.

   Now, I know that vasectomies fail all the time which I hope doesn’t happen since we don’t want kids 4-5 years apart. So I pray that his won’t fail because I don’t know if I could handle another loss or, by some miracle, another child who is 4-5 years younger than my daughter.

   Then there are all the good things that I have to remind myself there is when it comes to only one child. We get to go do more since we only have to pay for one child, I get to have some me time because she is now at an age where she can play by herself and I go do thing like take and shower, and I will only be 39 when she graduates high school so my husband and I will have many years to be together and be young enough to enjoy it. These are just a couple of things but they are enough for me right now to keep my mind in the right place when it wants to go to the dark place of grieving.

   So there is so much good life ahead of us and I look forward to experience it. Now that we have finally gotten to today it will be easier. Then after tomorrow we will be starting our new life. Our daughter will love to have her parents back and we will be able to enjoy her to the fullest. So this isn’t the end, but just the beginning.

   Hope you have  a great day, and feel free to leave a comment and let me know what are some things you are looked forward to have enjoyed since deciding to stop trying for anymore children. 🙂

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