How to be a Mom, Student and Wife

There has been a lot of change in the past few months for my family. I have gone back to being a full time student! This is very exciting since I will finally (after four years of leaving my last school) be able to finish my dream of earning a degree. Also I will now be able to get a job that can pay for childcare and still have some money left over. The cost of childcare was the reason that I have not gone back to school until now, and I decided to go to an all online school so that I would be able to stay home while still completing my classes.

But me being back in school has also added an interesting dynamic to our home since my husband has to take care of our daughter regularly in the evenings so I can go take a test and such. He has had to learn what it is like to be “mom” when your child doesn’t want what you made for dinner or runs around the house because she doesn’t want to go bed. I have done this job of “fully time mommy” for two years now (all day) and he is now getting a taste of it for only a couple hours at most after work. Is he doing a good job? Yes he is. He is doing a great job, but his finished job isn’t always the same as mine and that has taught me a lot about myself.

I have learned that I do have a specific way I like the house at night, and, when my husband is in charge of cleaning up at the end of the night, most of the times it doesn’t even come close to my standards. I finish school for the night hoping that I won’t have to do anymore, but I come out and the an unfinished kitchen, toys not put away, mail not sorted, and other things that I do to make sure I don’t start the next day behind. But I have learned I have a choice in that moment and it comes with keeping balance.

I am learning that the way I react will determine how things go in the future. I like it that my husband takes care of our daughter for me while I study and he does it without complaint so I don’t want to throw a huge fuss because I know he will stop doing that. He will buck against my reaction and not do what I ask of him with a happy heart. But I don’t want to keep picking up after everyone either.

So I tell him how I want the house at the end of the day and he might come back with the all famous man comment “Well I have worked all day and I don’t want to do anymore”. Ladies, how much does that statement make your blood boil?

Men, that statement is the one way to make sure you don’t get laid for a long time. That statement means that you have belittled your wife to just sitting on her butt all day doing nothing. I’ll tell you one thing, your wife by the time you get home has worked almost twelve hours just being up. If she is like me she has done laundry, made two meals, cleaned two meals, house work, get the kids to where they need to go, clean up again, provide snack, clean that up, made the bed, did the dishes, taken care of the pet if you have one, and maybe gotten a chance to take a pee somewhere. This is just a short list of what wives get done on a regular basis, but you are the one who has worked all day?

But her day doesn’t end there. After she has made a third meal, she goes in and tries to get her lesson done while she listens to you and your children in the living room causing noise and ruckus. She sits there hoping to be able to concentrate and know her husband is thinking about her needs with how she wants the house to look at the end of the day and that the two of you will get some time together. That is what is going through your wife’s mind, but does that happen?

For me right now I am still “training” my husband. ¬†And I say that very lightly because he does do his best. He honestly doesn’t see the mess right in front of him like a woman does with it being a flashing neon sign. For example, I have lost count at how many times I have asked my husband to wipe down the counters after doing the dishes and I come in and maybe 15% of the time they are actually wiped off. So what do I do? Most days I just wipe off the counters.

But sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just want to go in a scold my husband for not completing the job like I would my daughter, but I can’t because he is not my child. He has a mom who maybe didn’t push for the same level of organization out of him like I would like to see. And I frankly don’t want to re-raise him. I would like it if he would just know what to do on his own. But is it worth putting a dent in our marriage over a wet counter top? Is there a better way to handle things when they are not up to your standards at the end of the day?

For you men, I would suggest that if you are not going to fully help your wives out to have things completely done, don’t ask for some special hugs. Just don’t do it. There is no better way to piss off an exhausted wife than to see her finally sit down after having to come in behind you and finish cleaning after working over twelve hours and then studying than to ask for some sex. It will not go well for you every single time. So how do you men get laid more often when your wife is stretched more than usual? CLEAN AND HELP TO HER STANDARDS. It’s not that difficult.

And for the ladies. If your husband is needing some loving time, don’t always say no because sex is honestly how men are rewarded for doing things for you. He is trying and, if he loves you, he will continue to try until his dying day, but sometimes men just don’t get it. They love you though so don’t forget that.

So what do I do to not lose my mind all the time? Because time with me in school is actually a training time for when I am working. I will just lose time to get things done while I work and my husband will continue to have to pick up some of the slack so that the house doesn’t fall a part. This is what I do: Take a deep breath and try to move on. I will ask my husband why he didn’t finish and tell him how I would like to have it done, but sometimes you can only beat and dead horse so many times. If a man isn’t going to do something, there is nothing a woman can do to make him do it. So you just have to pull up your boot straps and keep marching on.

Because you are going to school for you and your family and your husband does need to understand that. There is so much on your plate now and you need to be allies with him and not enemies. So don’t let a wet counter cause there to be battle lines. The way to be a mom, wife and student is to give grace to those around you (especially your husband), love, understanding and a glass of wine at the end of the day while ignoring everything your husband missed.

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To Contest or Not to Contest?

So Kindle is doing this writers contest right now and I am wondering if I should throw my hat in. It would be great if I won, but what are the odds? I have a book that would work, but it needs a lot of work. I have until November though so there is a chance that I could have it ready so what is holding me back?

It is because I am scared of not winning? That’s a normal response. Who likes rejection? Not me but that is the business of writing. you would think I would be a pro a accepting rejection.

Or what if I win, what then? It would be great but I would be handing my work to others and they might not take as good of care of it as me. I mean I have spent hours on this and the judges might spend a few minutes reading my work before they move onto the next. If I do win, did the judges really look at the work for what it is or not? I would hope so, but I don’t know. I mean to get a contract, that would be amazing and I would be in the real world of being an author and that is my dream.

What would you do? Would you submit something and hope for the best? Or would you not submit and just keep doing what you are doing? Some opinions would be good I think. Let me know in the comments below. ūüôā

River Flows Remix – Your Love Strong and True

So I have a new Youtube video out where I have written lyrics to a another musician’s work. Full rights obviously go to the musician who is Yiruma and his song River Flows. He is¬†a complete genius, but I just got the inspiration to my words from it. Hope you enjoy and feel free subscribe. I will be putting out new videos more often now ūüôā

Why Not Adoption?

¬† ¬†If you have been going through infertility, there is a really good chance you have been asked why you don’t just adopt a child, right? My husband and I have many times, and the answer is pretty simple. We cannot afford adoption. It’s killer expensive both foreign and domestic. It’s sad, but foreign is a little cheaper but not much. If you want a special needs child, the odds of being placed are higher, but that was the reason my husband and I stopped trying was due to chromosome issues.

¬† ¬†I know it sounds heartless but it’s the truth. I have been through so much with my infertility problems that I don’t need anymore drama in my life. I can get plenty of that from my three year old. But when researching adoption, I just shook my head at all the fees there are to call a child you’re own. Why so much? And then you turn around and people try to guilt you because there are so many kids in foster care. I am sorry to say it can’t go both ways.

¬† ¬†One website said that my husband and I have to have a monetary net worth of $80,000 to qualify. Are they crazy? I don’t know anyone with that much worth right now. Oh but then on the same website they are asking for donations because they are overrun. Once again, you can’t have it both ways.

¬† ¬† So if you are thinking about tackling the area of adoption, I applaud you. You are a super hero because I don’t think I could do it. Like I said, my three year old is a handful at times and then awesome at others. I don’t need any more babies to have my life full of joy. Do I want another baby, sure, but I don’t need to put my family through unneeded financial and emotional stress to get one. We have already done that trying to have our own.

¬† ¬†Of course I am not saying that if God decided that we were going to adopt a child we wouldn’t listen. I mean God is God and when He decides you have kids, you have kids. I am just saying that I wish that people would keep saying we should adopt a child like it is as easy to go adopt a puppy. It’s not and most families can’t afford it even if they have the room. And foster care is a whole different story where we have personal experience of the State going over the good of the child and enabling the horrible parents. Once again, not worth it for me to have more children.

   Are you in the same boat as me or are you going to go for adoption? Let me know below and also tell me your success stories since there is more negative than positive out there about adoption. Because I think adoption is amazing. I just wish that is was more easily accessible to more families.

Titanic Song 20 Year Tribute

¬† ¬†I am so excited to post this video for you all. I have loved this song since seeing the movie. It wasn’t twenty years ago, since I was 6 years old when it came out, but I still love the movie like a true fan. It is a masterpiece for sure. I hope you enjoy my tribute and make sure to “like” and “subscribe” to my channel. Thank you for all your support!

im flying

Why Can’t Disney Be Culturally Correct?

¬† ¬†Disclaimer: This post has spoilers inside, I don’t own the images in this blog post, I have not been paid for this blog post by Disney or any affiliate, and I LOVE Disney still.

¬† ¬†As many kids in the 80s and 90s, I grew up watching Disney Princess movies. I loved them then and I love them now, but, as I have gotten older, I have seen how Disney isn’t very good about one thing their movies. They are not very culturally correct. It’s a real bummer really because they miss out on the chance to really share with the world the culture the movie is about. You probably have some that came to mind immediately but the ones in particular that bug me are Aladdin, Mulan 1 and 2, Moana, and Pocahontas.

   Were any of these on your list? Now I am not an expert or anything but I can see enough to know that these are all white people stories in different colors. Take Aladdin for example.

aladdin

¬† ¬†Can anyone else just see the cultural issues with this? I’ll give you a hint. It is Jasmine’s outfit. In the beginning of the film you are shown hookers who are more covered up than the princess. In no Muslim country would a princess be allowed to dress like Jasmine is. If she did, she would be flogged and probably killed for the immodesty she boldly showed against her family. Jasmine would have looked more like this.

muslim woman

¬† ¬†It wouldn’t have been as fun to animate but at least it would ten times more modest.

¬† ¬†The other one is about this scene here where they fly off on Carpet together. Now I love “A Whole New World” just like any other Disney fan, but there is a huge cultural problem. In no way would a woman be seen off with another man without her father or brothers to escort her to the market let alone around the world. Once again, this was a behavior that would have ended with her life more than likely.

¬† ¬†The next movie that was so blatantly wrong culturally was Mulan and Mulan 2, but Mulan 2 was much more of an embarrassment. Mulan is this girl that goes off to war in the place of her father. Super sweet and super messed up. The whole matching thing isn’t totally off since the goal for any woman in the ancient China was to get a man to marry her. Women were seen as hinderances to the family and not an asset. So when it appeared that Mulan had this great and understanding relationship with her father that was not always the case. The fact that she would sacrifice herself to save her father would be very unusual. Most women couldn’t even read let alone know how to navigate a map.

mulan

¬† ¬†But other than the talking dragon and the fact that she was so comfortable hugging the Emperor after receiving his gifts, the movie wasn’t a complete loss with the cultural knowledge I have. The movie that made me sick was Mulan 2.

mulan 2

¬† ¬†Now granted, Mulan 2 is COMPLETE fiction, but it is still based on a culture and Disney should have been aware of it. For example, just because one woman might have saved China would change centuries of thought on the importance of women in the way they acted, dressed and interacted. So in the song “Lesson Number One” where the girls find Mulan in the field and then beg her to teach them how to fight would have been greatly frowned upon. Really these children would have not been allowed to leave their parent’s side because there would be too much work to be done.

   Next is the fact that the Emperor calls on Mulan like she was a regular soldier. If I was Mulan and actually made it home alive, the last thing I would want to be considered is a regular soldier for the ridicule alone of leaving the first time. This would have left her with the men having little respect for her.

   Then there is the fact that Shang actually asks her to marry him like a modern couple. If Shang wanted to marry Mulan he would have gone to her father and the deal would be struck whether Mulan liked it or not. So there is another thing that was culturally incorrect.

¬† ¬†Thirdly there was Mulan’s opinion on the arrange marriage. A soldier would never second guess the Emperor. Which then leads into the princesses and their song “Other Girls”. As princesses, these girls had more rights and privileges than any girls in their time. If you wanted to be like other girls, that meant being thrown in the rice fields doing back breaking work, still having to marry whom your father chose, and not doing or behaving in any fashion as described in the song. Why? Because other girls weren’t climbing trees, speaking for herself, ¬†marrying for love, slouching, and “just to be free like other girls get to be”. The princesses would never dare dishonor their father by leaving to go with the soldiers and definitely not unescorted. If their father found out the great dishonor his children had brought upon him, he would have treated them like they were dead.

¬† ¬†Speaking of dead. What was with the American accent of the Mong bandits? I mean really? But then the sadness comes and Shang dies. So sad. So then Mulan decides she is going to give herself as replacement for the princesses so that the they and the soldiers can be together forever in their complete dishonor. Sounds like a great honeymoon right? Oh it gets better for the fact that Mulan does this herself. Her father would have been the only one to do such a thing and something tells me he would have signed the dotted line. Who wouldn’t want his daughter to marry a prince? The family would be set forever. But she is saved because good ole Shang lived from his death fall and interrupts the ceremony even though the tie was tied and the unity of the prince and Mulan were complete.

¬† ¬†What does that mean? Shang stole a married woman! Talk about scandalous. But her guardian Mushu saved the day and some how got them all to believe that her previous marriage from five seconds ago was invalid. So the little ceremony that Mushu performed wasn’t valid either so good thing they went back to get married at home.

¬† ¬†Whew. I am tired of all this cultural horse pucky going around, aren’t you? Well, I am not done. There are two more movies that need to be addressed and the next one is the smash hit – Moana.

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¬† ¬†I actually had to do a little research on this one, but it broke my heart that once again Disney just couldn’t help themselves and ruined a perfect chance to educate people. So Moana is actually Samoan. I knew that she wasn’t Hawaiian, but I wasn’t sure so that is what my research pulled up and from there it just spilled more issues like a woman being a chief, the stereotypes of Samoan and Philippine men, the fact that they fight coconut people, and Maui I guess has a lady friend already. Sorry Moana.

¬† ¬†But I have to touch on the coconut thing since I thought that was something odd. Turns out, the reason the little pirate people being coconuts is offensive is because it would be like calling a white person a cracker (I am white so I can say that). It’s the slur against the people group. So don’t say coconuts I guess, but it was something that Disney should have known.

¬† ¬†The other thing was the fact that Moana was a woman. Even though I believe women were seen a little better in the islander cultures, she was still a woman, and would not been given the spot as chief. This new thing where women can rule over men is really backward from the time periods these movies are written. I wish that Disney would just stick to history and be right for once. History isn’t a bad thing.

¬† ¬†And Maui has a lady friend I found out that should have been in the movie, but was written out. Even though there is no official love connection between Moana and Maui, it was obvious that by the end of the movie there are some feelings there. I mean Maui came back for her for goodness sake! How isn’t that love in a Disney movie? He was pretty much saying, “lets stop fighting the lava monster and make demi babies” for crying out loud. But then again, Disney doesn’t like telling the whole story. Imagine the ear full that Maui got when he finally got home. I would not want to be anywhere near that argument.

¬† ¬†So we have covered the basics of the movies that came to my mind, but this next movie has to the be the first of everyone’s list in America since it is a story from our history books. Pocahontas is one of my favorite movies because of its music. I still get goosebumps at “Colors of the Wind” every ¬†time I hear it. I just love it, but I don’t like what they did to the movie.

pocahontas-dp_5151.jpg

   The movie goes on that there is this attractive Native American woman (who I am actually related to by the way) who loves her people but is too stubborn to go the way her people want. Then she meets strapping John Smith who steals her heart and then his people get in the way, one of them shoots the man that Pocahontas is supposed to marry, John Smith almost dies, Pocahontas saves him by speaking some pretty good truth about how we are all the same, and then John Smith gets shot and has to be shipped back to England for treatment.

   Not a bad story in itself if they had just changed the names of the characters. How do you think we all felt in third grade when the topic in history that day was Pocahontas and we find out the horrible truth? She was actually twelve years old when she meets John Smith who is in his forties, he proceeds to have sexual relationships with her regularly and forces her to talk with her people about the white people staying. I have no idea where Cocoum even comes in since he is not mentioned. But John Smith is captured, Pocahontas does save him, and he is shot and needed to go back to England.

   Would you have taken your kids to see that film? Probably not. Oh! And the best part! He gives her an STD which she dies from in England but not after giving it to John Rolfe who is the one she actually marries. At least she has a son who was now in the middle of all this drama. I think it would have made a good reality TV show actually.

¬† ¬†So now the question is, why is it impossible for Disney to be culturally right? Why do they have to turn every movie into a white movie? I have no idea, but it would be nice if they did. I would appreciate being able to share a Disney movie and say to my daughter, “yes this is how life for them really is” whether they are better people than ourselves or ones where their history may not be the shiniest. At least it would be the truth.

¬† ¬†What are some others that I didn’t mention? I would love to know so that I can be there to properly educate my daughter when we are watching these movies together.

Have a great day! ūüôā