I Feel Bipolar Sometimes!

You know those days when are a mom when you feel like you are going crazy? Yeah, I have them too. I hate to admit it but I feel bipolar most days with this task of parenting. One minute I am at a high and the next I want to go a curl up in a corner. Is there such thing as balance in parenting? I keep being told there is.

Where is it? I want to show my daughter the love of Jesus in everything I do which is totally possible when she is being good like finally going pee pee in the potty after a week of training, but, when she had just dumped a whole back of sunflower seeds on the floor when told not to touch them, it’s really hard to show Jesus sometimes. Does that make me a bad parent? I don’t think so. I think that just makes me normal really.

I like to think that even Mary had to roll her eyes a few times when raising Jesus. Think about it. He was the Son of God who never sinned. Wouldn’t that mean He was the perfect child? Did He ever fight with His siblings or knew exactly how to potty train? He must have never had his parents raise their voices at Him because He had to have always honored them. They literally had the perfect kid. Imagine their surprise when their next kid came along and they really got thrown into the world of parenting. They probably thought something was wrong with the kid. Why won’t he stop crying? Don’t hit your brother! Pee in the basket (or whatever they used)! Why can’t we be more like Jesus?

Talk about being truly bipolar. They probably thought they had this parenting thing down (now mind you Jesus ran off at 12 years old but still He did it without dishonoring them). That’s actually how I feel most people are. My parents have this saying “You are the perfect parent until you become one”. And it is so true. I thought I knew exactly how I was going to raise Emma and I think I am on plan Q. The truth is that parenting is rather confusing and frustrating and wonderful all the same time. Here are my tips on keeping myself sane and maybe they will help you too.

  1. Pray without ceasing
  2. Pray without ceasing
  3. Pray without ceasing
  4. God’s grace is sufficient

Sorry if that isn’t as clear cut as you would have hoped. I really don’t know much more than that right now. Now if it was an infant, then I could actually give you advice, but with the stage my daughter is in right now, I am figuring it out as I go. I know it is all worth it and someday I will see the fruits of my labor. Until then, all I can do is love my daughter unconditionally like Jesus loves me. That I know I can do.

So for all you moms out there who feel like they are going insane and nothing is going right with your kids, take heart. Your hard work is paying off even if you don’t see it. How do I know? Because, when my daughter goes out, I hear nothing but compliments I know I must be doing something right. It’s for that moment when the care giver says “your child is so pleasant to be around” that I know all the tantrums and power plays are worth it. She is turning out to be a decent person even if I feel like I might lose my mind some days.

IMG_20160406_160834413
After a full week of consistent training, Emma finally went pee pee in the potty today 🙂

 

What My Child is Teaching Me

I have learned a lot since becoming a parent. I have learned that there is more to raising a child than just making silly noises and playing games. There’s a lot of responsibility in keeping someone else alive everyday, but she’s taught me something else. She has shown me how selfish I am.

I always knew other people were selfish but I never knew how selfish I was until I had my daughter. I’m so selfish with my time and resources that it makes me so sad sometimes. Here she is just being a kid and most of the time I would rather her go and play by herself so I can get my stuff done that I want to do. How selfish is that?

So I am being worked on in that area of my life and maybe someday it will be worked out. You can’t be a good parent and be selfish at the same time. It like a pirate with treasure and his rum while falling off a cliff. He can try to hang onto both but he can’t pull himself up. He has to let go of one of them. One will bring pleasure now but it quickly fading and the other is heavier but it will bring him the most joy in the long run. I was the pirate, I would ditch the rum and keep the treasure.

Because, in the long run, my greatest treasure is my daughter and God has given her to me to raise the way He wants. I can’t do that if I don’t give her the time and attention she needs. My projects will always be there but my daughter is only little for a short time. I would rather pull her in close and know that at least one thing was taken care of that day – I know that my daughter came first.

So hold your kids tight. This is just but a season with them. Soon they will be out on their own and won’t need you like they do now. My daughter is 2 years old in two weeks and I can’t believe how fast she has grown up. I don’t want to miss her childhood.

Dang PCOS

So I just got my blood test back and it was negative. I have to still talk with my doctor but I guess it’s my PCOS flaring up for me not having a period since January. I don’t really know whether to be happy or sad to be honest. There’s tears for sure but not like before. I love having one child so I am thankful that is just just her right nowvbut what I am sad about is that means I can’t get pregnant again at all.

With the last three times it was because they wouldn’t implant but this time it is because I’m not ovulating again for this missed cycle. I really hate having PSOC. I don’t know why God has given it to me but I know it has to be a reason. I don’t know where this will leave my husband and I trying for more children but right now I definitely want a break. This is turning our intimacy as a couple into a burden and I don’t want that. It’s not good for either of us and it’s not good for our marriage. So what is the next step? I don’t know.

I just know that my Jesus loves me and He will get me through this. I have nothing else to go off of because this isn’t fair. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. There has be something beyond me going on and I know God is working this out for His glory. But if you think of it, send a prayer my family’s way. Even though I’m standing strong with my faith doesn’t mean something like this doesn’t hurt. I’d have to be a robot to think that not being able to have a child is no big deal.

So off I go getting to raise my one miracle child and loving my husband. That’s all I can do. It’s up to God to do the rest.

Should Have Been More Specific

I remember when my husband and I were dating and started talking about how many kids we wanted. I wanted two and he wanted four. I thought he was crazy but his number never faltered even after getting married. Well I got to thinking about it because God has already blessed us with four kids. Just one has made it to earth.

I guess my husband should have been more specific with God. I mean He gave us a fireball so we have our hands full so that isn’t an issue. It would have been nice to have met our three babies in heaven though. And there’s a strong possibility a fourth child will be joining them. We haven’t been trying  but that doesn’t mean we were 100% perfect with our birth control method and we slipped up twice. It looks like it was enough. I have been having my symptoms again (this time I’m actually 21 days late) but took a test and it was negative. Emailed my doctor and I’m having a pregnancy test done today.

We had decided to stop trying to avoid the pain of another loss. I guess God has other plans. It’s not that He wants me and my husband to suffer but there must be something for us to learn still. I don’t know what it is and I hate having to learn lessons this way but I am God’s servant and His Grace will be sufficient. If I lose this baby too then I will work through it but if He dose give us a miracle that would be great. Any prayers would be appreciated for which way this goes.

God bless!

She’s So Precious

I have to say that I started out today not in the best mood. I was irritable and easily flustered but I didn’t want to be that way for me and especially not my daughter. So we went to the gym where I did my thing and Emma got to go play with some kids.

We then came home, I made lunch and we played in her room until she went down for a nap. The nap wasn’t going so well so I sent and got her out of her room, but I could see she was still tired so we came out to the couch and this is what happened.

IMG_20160315_152201840
She is so cute when she sleeps 🙂

Precious right? She may be almost 2 but she is still my baby. My little Emma is growing up so fast and I can’t do anything to stop it. So I’ll just enjoy these moments I am given 🙂

We Don’t Sing in the Rain, We Play!

So here in Northern California, we have been getting a good amount of rain. I’m not complaining since we need it but my daughter has been going crazy not being able to go outside. I have been telling her that we are going to have inside play days for a little while but that kept her attention for like one day. She wants to to go outside.

So finally I let her out. I tried to get a coat on her but she probably thought I would change my mind in that time so she grabbed her rain boots and went out in the rain. She thought is was awesome! She has never had so much fun in her life.

IMG_20160310_173902542

The picture is a little far away since I was still the lame adult who didn’t want to get wet but you can still see her smile as clear as bell.

Do yo remember when something so simple made you so happy? I know I have, but it is so easy to look too far in the future to think about all the simple moments that are in front of you. Of course it is good to plan, I do it everyday but does it really make me happy? My daughter runs on no time frame and she is the happiest person I know. Maybe being so rigid and planned out isn’t a good thing all the time. Maybe I need to loosen up and actually go out in the rain and play with my daughter. It’s ok to get wet and muddy now even though I am all grown up. Right? Who cares if I look silly. I shouldn’t have just taken a picture of her playing, I should have been out there with her.

Now tonight she won’t get to go out and play since I don’t want her to get sick, but we will do something else that’s alot of fun. I want to remember all these precious moments since we will probably never get to experience them again. She is our only baby and now very quickly turning into our little girl. She is growing up so fast and soon she won’t want to play in the rain. She will be the lame adult taking a picture from inside the house.

No More Binkis!

So my little girl has done it. She has given up her binki. I don’t know whether or not to praise God or cry. We had planned on taking it away after her birthday in April but to have her done with it now was a shock. We tried to take it away back in December but that was a disaster so we gave it back and figured she would give it up when she was ready.

Then we went to church last week and she lost it. We couldn’t find it anywhere in the classroom. We think that she may have given it to a little friend and someone else has an extra binki now. Then we couldn’t find the spare when we got home. Well I wasn’t going to go to Walmart at 9:00pm so we just put her to bed without her binki and crossed our fingers. She went to sleep with no fuss! It was amazing! I thought maybe it was a fluke so I wasn’t going to call it a success until she had gone five nights without it. Well she has and I couldn’t be happier… sort of.

Why am I not totally happy? Well that means that my little girl is no longer a baby, and I am not sure if I am ready for that yet. My husband and I have stopped trying for another baby right now since the loss of our three babies was getting to be too much so we have made it a point to really enjoy our daughter. So, the fact that she has given up her binki, means we are almost out of the baby stage with her. All that is left is potty training. Then she will be a big girl and no longer my little baby.

So I am happy that I no longer have to keep track of her binki or her teeth going bad, but I am sad since she is growing up so fast. She is so precious to me.

IMG_20160229_154858673

The Miracle of Emma

2014-04-08_12.14.43

This picture says it all for me. Emma Rochelle was born in 2014 in the wee hours of the morning after a long labor and delivery. She was 8lb. 15oz. and 21″ long. I will never remember that moment when she finally was out in the world. I had been pushing for so long and I had nothing more to give. But now it was over, and she was here.

Only that wasn’t the end of my story, and it most certainly wasn’t the beginning. I want to tell you the full story of the Miracle of Emma and how God showed His hand every step of the way. So sit tight and hang on, because this isn’t a lazy river ride. This is a raging water ride.

It started back in 2012 when I first started having issues with PCOS. (I have a few posts about is like If Paul was Yoda and such so feel free to check them out.) I had my last period in October 2012 and did not have one until May 2013. I was told I would never have children and there was no reason for birth control. So my husband and I didn’t use anything caution and just went with how we felt.

I had a lot of growing up to do as I mention in my last post about how I was a walking jealous time bomb pretty much. I pretty much looked like this:

zelina.jpeg

Not so pretty right? But it felt like my affliction was rubbed in my face everywhere I went. It seemed like Satan kept putting people in my path who were pregnant and I was going insane with jealousy. I hated it and  I was beginning to hate God for putting me trough it.

Then a wise friend took me in under her wing (even though I don’t think she realized she did) and had me become more involved with my church’s children ministry. I know weird right? Why would someone who can’t have kids want to bless and love on other people’s kids. Most of the parents couldn’t wait to dump their kids off most of the time. But that was why I was perfect for the job. I had the time and energy to pour into these kids that their parents didn’t have. I was able to be that extra someone that a mother relied on when she dropped her kid off in the nursery so that she could go enjoy the church service without having to worry about her child.

And it made me content. I was able to come love on kids and go home to my quiet house. It was pretty much perfect. I still had my health issues but my heart was being fixed and mended to be able to take on the task that God had set before me.

Now came May 2013 and I miracle happened, I had a period! It was totally not expected and I didn’t even have tampons in the house. I had to go and buy some that day. I thought they were never coming back so I didn’t buy anymore. Any way, that isn’t the point. The point was that God had blessed me with a period.

The next month, I didn’t have one and I wasn’t surprised. I knew that with PCOS my periods were crazy so I was just happy that I had had one that year. We moved at the end of June I my feet were so swollen that I couldn’t hardly stand on them. I thought I had just done too much with the move and had to put them up. Only, it didn’t help! They stayed swollen for two weeks!

Then my sister’s wedding was in July and I noticed my breasts were huge and they were sore. I had no idea what could be wrong and pregnancy never entered my mind. I thought I had breast cancer actually, but they had gotten so big, that I almost didn’t fit in my dress for the wedding. My mom said that was crazy and that something had to wrong. Meanwhile, I had been filling a baby bottle for a fundraiser for our local pregnancy center and thought I would ask them about it that week when I planned to bring in the full bottle. Maybe they could tell me if it could be serious.

After the wedding, on July 17th I went to the pregnancy center to drop off the bottle. I then had a feeling that I had to take a test. Didn’t know why since I couldn’t get pregnant but I did any way. And guess what? It was positive. God had blessed me with a baby. I didn’t know how long I would have this baby since there had to be a low chance that I would be bale to carry this baby to term but I was going to be thankful every day that I was pregnant.

It was a long pregnancy since we went day by day to see if I was going to carry my daughter to term but I did. I actually had my water break ten days late. I had to be put on that medicine to get my labor going since she was so happy to be in me, she didn’t want to leave. It took 25 hours to convince her to come out with 4 hours of pushing. I was so tired and I was so done. I just wanted to meet my baby that I had worked so hard to get here.

Though our journey home wasn’t done yet. After she was delivered, she had to spend 2 days in the NICU because I have gotten an infection from being in labor for so long. I was still unable to be with my baby until finally we got the green light and was able to bring her home.

It has been an interesting time since then. She is a very strong child and can be interesting to raise at times but that was how she got here. She needed her strong will to survive in the womb and it will do her well later in life. She is an amazing person and a true miracle. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for her. She is my sunshine and my biggest blessing.

When You Need to Be Happy For Others

I had an interesting thing happen to me this weekend. I was blessed to be invited to one of my dear friend’s baby shower for second son who is due in April. It was interesting because her first son and my daughter are only three days a part. So we were pregnant at the same time in 2014 but this time we aren’t, and everyone knows why. She has had her own road, and, trust me, I am SUPER happy for her and her husband. They are great friends and parents and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Where the test comes in is, am I happy without jealousy? You can be happy for someone but still have jealousy in your heart. I remember, before I was pregnant with my daughter, we were told we were never going to be able to conceive a baby, and you know those times where you are told you can’t have something it seems like Satan shoves it in your face? Well that is what happened. It seemed like with every turn I took there was another pregnant woman who was more than likely complaining about how much her pregnancy was inconveniencing her life. I used to get so made at that because this woman was complaining about something that I wanted to go through and couldn’t. I had to learn to not let it get to me and just let it go.

That was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. It was a real growing time for me in my life to not be angry and not to turn bitter. I had to spend a lot of time in prayer and surround myself with the right kind of people or I would have become a not very nice person to be around. I had to look at the women’s faces and the not the bulging bellies in front of me. Only then was I able to be happy for them.

Well fast forward two years, I was blessed with a miracle baby, (I am going to write a post on that next so stay tuned) and she is about to turn two. I am so blessed and excited to be with this little girl everyday. I am so thankful that God gave her to me. I just have to be OK with the fact that she might be our only blessing. Just because God gave her one miracle baby doesn’t mean that I am entitled to another one. I have to be able to be happy and content with what I have to be able to be blessed  more. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean having another child. It could mean my daughter going to school or my husband getting a job promotion. As long as my hands are full, I can’t expect to take on any more. And that is how God works with his blessings.

All that to say, when I went to the baby shower, I had a choice. I could be honestly happy for my friend and the fact that God has blessed her with another baby even though He hasn’t blessed my womb, or was I going to be jealous and make the experience miserable for myself? Everyone one there was going to make it about my friend, was I going to or was I going to moan and groan about losing my three babies?

I am happy to report that I was able to enjoy the baby shower with full happiness and joy for my friend. She is such an inspiration of how to be gracious and beautiful. I really admire her.

So anyway, I am still not perfect but I can feel that I growing in this area of happiness in the mist of infertility. May God keep giving me the grace to keep moving forward. I want to be His hands and feet. I am His servant, and, what He wants, that I will do.

IMG_20160216_163939
My beautiful daughter during on of her recent nap times. I am so blessed!

 

The Sweet Moments of Joy

Since I am dealing with this whole PCOS thing, it is easy for me to look at what I don’t have more than what I do. I guess it has something to do with me being human. But this morning I was reminded by God that I have may blessings already. Yes, I have had another hard week with disappointment but that doesn’t mean I should miss out on the little blessing I already have.

Her name is Emma and she is my sunshine. This morning she did the cutest thing I think she has ever done. I was busy doing my morning chores and she came into my room with something in her hand that she was insisting to put in my hair. Of course her being a toddler, I was skeptical, but her little eyes were just begging me to let her do it. So I did and you know what it was? A star sticker. She thought it would look pretty in my hair like the clips and hairbands I put in hers. It melted my heart completely and I realized that this was my reason for living. If I never have another baby that is OK because I have the best little girl in the world. I mean how can’t you just smile when you look at her face?

Morning fun with Mommy after getting a treat this morning after breakfast :)
Morning fun with Mommy after getting a treat this morning after breakfast 🙂
This one is a little older of a picture but her smile is just as heart warming.
This one is a little older of a picture but her smile is just as heart warming.

She is my miracle. I should have put her middle name as Grace, but it is Rochelle, because she is God’s gift I don’t deserve. And after she was done decorating my hair, she went on to decorating my pants.

IMG_20151113_095634647

Isn’t it pretty? Emma was sure proud herself and I kept them on for as long as the adhesive would allow.

It was what I needed this morning. So this is meant to encourage you today. God has His rainbow out there for you somewhere in your trials. You just have to look for it. It would have been easy for me to just push her away and tell her she was not going to put anything in my hair until I saw it, but that would have taken the joy out of it.

I love the quote by Beth Moore that says, “Today I choose joy. Even if I don’t feel like it, I will choose to be joyful in all things”. I feel like that was a good example to me. I decided to trust my daughter wasn’t putting a spider or something on my head and allowed her to do what she was trying to bless me with. And I was blessed.

So I hope today, if you are having a hard time, you look for the blessings and joy around you. It may not feel like there is any in sight but there is. Because the joy of the Lord is my strength and I will remember to choose it everyday.    🙂