Dear God,

Dear God,

I come before You a very sad person today. I know I shouldn’t be with everything You have given me lately but I am for a very specific reason. You see, my husband and I were all ready to get him snipped and I was totally happy only having one child. It has taken me six months to really, really be ok with it since I knew deep down I wanted at least one more child but it seemed like my daughter was going to be enough for us handle. Also the economy has been a little tough for young people so logistically it made sense too.

Only, that isn’t how I feel right now. I feel betrayed, lied to, led on and unloved. Here I thought that I was where you wanted me and now You for some reason You have let me go through the one thing that had me a train wreck six months ago. You made me think I was actually pregnant and this time the baby stuck. 18 days Lord! You let me go 18 days late! Only to lose it. My body was doing everything it needed to from making me miserable all day with pregnancy symptoms but it wasn’t enough.

But this isn’t the first time this has happened. This is the third time in a year You have let this happen! Why?! Why do You keep putting me through this? Have I not been faithful in other areas of life to only be let down again and again when I think You are going to bless? I can’t take it anymore! I want the agony to end. I want to either have a baby or never have these incidents again. I would rather go every month and just have a simple period with no pregnancy symptoms than to keep having this happen.

I know You are good. The Bible says so and that You love me but I don’t feel it right now with tears blurring my vision and my heart feeling like it has been ripped out of my chest, stomped on, and then inserted back in. I don’t want to be afraid but, as a human, I don’t want to keep doing things that keep hurting me. It’s not healthy and it’s not what You had planned.

I know I live in a fallen world and crap happens everyday but I am also told You hear our prayers. You have done so in every other area of my life. You blessed me with a car, a house and things to put in it. My husband and daughter are healthy and we are all finally back together under one roof, but then this had to happen.

I want to have been able to hold my angels, but I can’t because You took them from me. I know You will take good care of them but I am their mommy and I wanted to take care of them. I wanted to change their diapers and do the endless laundry due to spit up 24/7. I wanted to rock them to sleep and play peek-a-boo during the day. I  got to do it once with my daughter but I want to do it again. I want to have that feeling of them inside me moving around and doing their acrobatics that drive me nuts all night long. I wanted to go through the labor to get them here. I wanted to do it all, but wasn’t given the chance. I don’t know why but hopefully You will throw me a bone and give the Doctors an answer.

Because I want to praise You in the storm and the calm seas but I am getting tired, Lord. I am running out of tears and hope. I want to be used by You but I can’t if I am so drained I have nothing left to give. I see mommies with their little babies and my heart skips a beat one second but then plummets the next. I hate feeling this way Lord. Help me make the turn so I can go back to being a good mommy to the baby I have. She needs me and I can’t raise her hiding in my bedroom because I can’t tell another soul why it is we only have one child and see the look of disgust when I tell them anything but “I just can’t get pregnant again”.

So be with me now, Lord. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I am tired of trying and I am tired of hurting. I want to be strong but right now I am so weak. Help me find my way and lead me to where I am supposed to be.

Sincerely,

Your little Child

Two Weeks Without Internet

So we have been in our new house for two weeks and we have a funny story. So after a couple days we had our internet provider appointment and he came out to find that the cable to the house was bad and it needed to be replaced. He said the request would take up to seven days to be completed and then someone would be out the following week to hook us up.

Well a week went by and we didn’t know if the work had been done. So we called the number we were given by the installer. He didn’t return our calls for a couple of days and then came out of find out the work had been done the next day after the installer put in the work order. So we had been sitting waiting just to be hooked up and didn’t know it. The guy came out the next day and hooked us up which was greatly appreciated.

Ok, so maybe to some people that isn’t a funny story but with how the past few months have been, it wasn’t a huge surprise. But I learned something being disconnected from the rest of the world – I didn’t really miss it. Of course being that this blog, my books and my Etsy Shop are online run makes not having internet tricky, but overall I didn’t miss it much. I didn’t have the distractions that internet provides at my fingertips.

My house was quieter, we played with our daughter more, and my husband and I got to have some nice nights just talking. I could see us starting some “Unplug Days” in the future to make sure we are staying in touch with what is important. Being in the middle of pointless arguments on Facebook and Twitter is not the place to be. Playing with your kids, hanging out with family and friends, and being a part of a community is what really matters.

Looking to the Future

So a few months ago, I wrote a post saying we might have mold in our rental. Well we did and in the process lost 99% of our possessions. I went from having a fully furnished and probably overly furnished home with everything that anyone could need to having a week’s worth of clothes and a few toys for my daughter. Then on top of it our car’s AC died so we went from one car to no car in a matter of minutes. I was completely devastated. But God really showed His hand through it all.

First, we were blessed with a table and chairs. I know that may not sound like much but to us it was  a big deal. Then God provided us a way to actually buy a house this time instead of having to rent again. After that, people started coming out of the wood work to donate items that we needed to us.

People were giving us simple stuff like bath towels to the big stuff like couches and furniture. Our new home was furnished before we even signed the papers. And God provided us a way through a gracious Uncle to buy a 2006 Toyota Matrix which is a huge upgrade from our 1997 Honda Accord. It was truly like a Hallmark movie where the poor family is left out in the rain and the mean management company ends up looking like idiots. It really did. We still haven’t gotten any compensation from them but God will work that out too. We are taking all necessary action to make sure what happened to us won’t happen to another family.

But now we are in our new place and we are so excited to see how God works things out in the future. Our house is the perfect little starter home which we and our daughter love. She is so excited to have some stability in her life. Grandma and Grandpa were awesome but there still is no place like home for a little girl.

If you are going through a tough season know that God does care about you. I know there were many things in this storm that I felt that God had just left me to my despair but that wasn’t true. It was just a lie that the enemy was trying to sell and I almost bought. If it wasn’t for some very strong Christian women in my life I would have pulled out my money and taken the lie to heart.

And if you don’t have a woman or man in your life right now then I will be it. Don’t you dare let Satan steal your joy and your peace! God loves you vey much and He is working this all out for your good! No matter what the storm is like outside, stay in the boat with Jesus and He will take you to the other side. Don’t lose hope and don’t forsake your God for the only other option is to drown. We can’t do anything on our own. We need Jesus and He is here for us.

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Mark 4:37-40

37 And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. 38 But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” 39 And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 40 He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”

These verses were my mindset perfectly. Are they your’s or do you have the faith to sail to the other side without fear? Maybe next time I will do better with my faith as I cross the sea with Jesus.

Just Trying to Chill Out

As a parent, there are those times where you really need a break and it seems like those are the days that your child is the worst to be around. Think I am crazy? If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter. I wouldn’t trade her for all the yarn in the world but there are times where we need a break from each other. This weekend is one of those weekends.

Why do you say? Because our living situation has been such that she and I are around each other all the time with no male support to go with it. Where is my husband? Due to some things with our past rental and waiting for our house to close… Oh and we have only one car, he has been living with a very gracious co-worker and I have been living with my parents. Now, my parents have been a BIG help but it is different not having my husband around to be my daughter’s strong male figure. She loves her grandpa and he adores her but there isn’t the same level of respect as there is with her father. I don’t get why I can tell her one thing ten times and she still ignores me but her father says it once and she listens. Annoys the heck out of me but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So when we are together on the weekends as a family my husband has been really trying to step up an help since he knows that I am doing the parent thing on my own. Like right now, I am getting to blog for the first time in days because he has taken her to the park. My lack of blogging is not because I don’t have anything to say but rather I have chasing a two year old around trying to keep her from hurting herself. Some day I hope she finally gets that there such a thing called gravity.

In conclusion, I really do love my husband and miss him while he gone during the week. It makes me appreciate those who do this all the time and not just for a couple months. I don’t know how you do it to be honest. I am at my wits end most days dealing with all the stress I have been going through and raising my daughter. Soon though we will get to be together as a family again under the same roof. 25 Days and we get to move into our new house 🙂

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How I feel I look at the end of most days right now LOL 🙂

Just Keep Swimming!

I can’t believe it, my little girl is taking swim lessons and she is the perfect little guppy. She isn’t all the way swimming on her own but she will be soon. Until then, we have to help keep her afloat. Man how do I feel God having to do that with me sometimes… ok all the time.

Yes, I am swimming in the pool of life and, without His hand holding me, I would drown. I am trying to swim on my own but it isn’t possible. I need God’s hand to be there to catch me when I swallow water of have it go up my nose and I panic. He is the one that sweeps me up in His arms and says “Nice try. Let’s try again”.

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Big smile as she is getting more confident every time she gets in the pool 🙂

Empathy for Single Parents

Man all I can do is applaud single parents. The longest I have ever had to watch my daughter without my husband present was four days while he was at a work conference. But now I have beat my record. My husband and I have had to live in separate locations for three weeks now and I have to say it is really tough. I won’t go into why we haven’t been able to be in the same place but I will say it has to do with our rental. The why isn’t important it is the fact that I have been a single parent for three weeks that this post is about.

I always knew that being a single parent was hard but this little taste has given me a whole new admiration for them. How they raise their children without losing their minds, I will never know. I miss my husband so much on a daily basis because everything depends on me. I mean as a stay at home mom I am used to having most of the stuff fall on my shoulders but I always knew that my husband would be home at 5:00pm to help me out. I would be able to finish the day with my partner. Well these few weeks have really been stretching me. I still have dishes on the counter and it is 9:00pm and they will probably stay there until tomorrow. I am not Super Woman and I don’t like to pretend I am. But it makes me think how single parents do it. They seem like super heroes to me.

So if you are a single parent I really admire you. Keep up the good work and know that it will all be worth it in the end. I do have to say though that I will be glad when this season of my husband and I being a part is over. I miss him so much.

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” I miss my daddy too!”

Are Commercials Evil?

I don’t believe that commercials are “evil” but I do think that they mess with your head. How? Well what are commercial supposed to do? They are supposed to make up unhappy with what yo have been blessed with and want that thing that really you could mare than likely live without. For example: You have a working car that might be less than ten years old but you see the new shiny one on TV and you go and trade in your perfectly good (maybe even paid off) car for one that does the same thing. You put gas in it, turn the key, push the pedal and the car moves. Why exactly did you then buy a new car? Because the commercial you saw made you believe that you “needed” that new car.

That is the magic of the commercials and all the marketing that goes into them. Companies spend millions to have what happened to you happen. They don’t care that you don’t really need that new car, they just want to sell more cars. This is where I think commercials are evil and where a lot of our countries problem come from. Greed is HUGE in the world. If you think about it, most of the wars and conflicts in the past were over greed. Millions (maybe even  billions in total) of people have lost their lives over greed. Now we don’t go killing people in our everyday life (at least I pray not) for the things we want. But there is still that root of greed that is in all of us to want that next best thing. You need the contentment weed killer to knock it out.

But how? Well there are some many options now for commercial free viewing. Our family uses Netflix but there’s Hulu and Amazon Prime and others that do the same thing. I have come to really enjoy no commercials because they are also very annoying. I don’t want to watch a 60 second blurb on a truck, I want to see what happens in my show! And using Netflix has done that. I can’t watch normal TV anymore since I can’t stand the commercials 🙂 But how can this help with greed?

It’s like my two year old, out of sight – out of mind. I don’t see all those messages every day so I don’t think about them. Plain and simple. I don’t see everything I am “missing” in my life because I only see what I have and I am thankful for it. Now don’t think that I am perfect at this. I still see things on billboards, ads, the internet, and those around me to have enough greed build up that I still want other things that what I have. But it’s more manageable. I can be more content longer this way.

Why don’t you give it try? I have no affiliation to any companies and have the worst product loyalty so pick who you want. Try it for 30 days and see if your attitude changes toward contentment. If, you are totally hard core, try no TV at all for 30 days. That’s really hard but I did that when we were fist married and broke and I found that I really didn’t care about TV it wasn’t that big of thing and I got a ton of stuff done. But every once in awhile a good veg session is needed for everyone 🙂

Comment below and let me know how it goes or any thoughts you might have on this topic.

Why am I so Tired?

I have been super tired today. I don’t know why but it could be the fact I have an active two year old but it could be because I have so much going on in my head.

This month so far has been crazy. Emma turned two, my Etsy Shop has been doing well, and my book is selling well. If everything is going well, then why am I so tired? I don’t know. Maybe I just need a nap? Yeah a nap would be good.

 

 

I Feel Bipolar Sometimes!

You know those days when are a mom when you feel like you are going crazy? Yeah, I have them too. I hate to admit it but I feel bipolar most days with this task of parenting. One minute I am at a high and the next I want to go a curl up in a corner. Is there such thing as balance in parenting? I keep being told there is.

Where is it? I want to show my daughter the love of Jesus in everything I do which is totally possible when she is being good like finally going pee pee in the potty after a week of training, but, when she had just dumped a whole back of sunflower seeds on the floor when told not to touch them, it’s really hard to show Jesus sometimes. Does that make me a bad parent? I don’t think so. I think that just makes me normal really.

I like to think that even Mary had to roll her eyes a few times when raising Jesus. Think about it. He was the Son of God who never sinned. Wouldn’t that mean He was the perfect child? Did He ever fight with His siblings or knew exactly how to potty train? He must have never had his parents raise their voices at Him because He had to have always honored them. They literally had the perfect kid. Imagine their surprise when their next kid came along and they really got thrown into the world of parenting. They probably thought something was wrong with the kid. Why won’t he stop crying? Don’t hit your brother! Pee in the basket (or whatever they used)! Why can’t we be more like Jesus?

Talk about being truly bipolar. They probably thought they had this parenting thing down (now mind you Jesus ran off at 12 years old but still He did it without dishonoring them). That’s actually how I feel most people are. My parents have this saying “You are the perfect parent until you become one”. And it is so true. I thought I knew exactly how I was going to raise Emma and I think I am on plan Q. The truth is that parenting is rather confusing and frustrating and wonderful all the same time. Here are my tips on keeping myself sane and maybe they will help you too.

  1. Pray without ceasing
  2. Pray without ceasing
  3. Pray without ceasing
  4. God’s grace is sufficient

Sorry if that isn’t as clear cut as you would have hoped. I really don’t know much more than that right now. Now if it was an infant, then I could actually give you advice, but with the stage my daughter is in right now, I am figuring it out as I go. I know it is all worth it and someday I will see the fruits of my labor. Until then, all I can do is love my daughter unconditionally like Jesus loves me. That I know I can do.

So for all you moms out there who feel like they are going insane and nothing is going right with your kids, take heart. Your hard work is paying off even if you don’t see it. How do I know? Because, when my daughter goes out, I hear nothing but compliments I know I must be doing something right. It’s for that moment when the care giver says “your child is so pleasant to be around” that I know all the tantrums and power plays are worth it. She is turning out to be a decent person even if I feel like I might lose my mind some days.

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After a full week of consistent training, Emma finally went pee pee in the potty today 🙂

 

I’m 2!

I can’t believe that my little girl is 2! Where has the time gone? I know in the moment it has felt like it would take forever for her to get to two years old, but, now that it’s here, I am amazed at how fast it has gone. She is such a joy in my life. I can’t stand going a day without seeing her face or hearing her laugh. She is an amazing person and I can’t wait to see that her future holds.

So I have a little prayer from my daughter for this year. I think we all need more prayer and I want to start with my daughter.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me Emma. She is such a precious and trying gift from You, Lord. She has helped me grow in so many ways. I have learned so much about myself more than her in these past two years than I could ever imagine. I couldn’t imagine my life without her, Lord.

I pray that you give her blessings and wisdom as she gets older. She may be only two but she can still do great things for Your kingdom at her young age. She is Your creation and I pray that she will come to know You quickly as her Creator and Savior.

I ask all of these things in Your name Jesus,

Amen.

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