Standing Up On the Inside

I just read a really great devotion from Joyce Meyer in her book Trusting God Day by Day. In it was a saying of standing up on the inside. We are in a very interesting time in world history with America’s presidential election and everything still going on the middle east. There are many people standing up literally for what they think is right even though most of them are just throwing a tantrum. It’s not truly protesting or standing up for anything. But I won’t get into that at the moment.

What I just want to say is that standing up for things is important but sometimes it is best to just stand up on the inside. To still have your convictions but to use them at the appropriate time. Everything in good time right? That goes for standing up for something too. There is so much I want to stand up for and scream at the top of my lungs to get what I want but I can’t always do that. I have to be patient and wait on God to give me the moment to do so.

But one thing is for sure, I will always be a Patriot, Christian, and supporter of freedom. That I will always stand up for whether it be on the inside or the outside.

My Song For 2016

This song is my song for the year. It has helped me get up when I just wanted to lie down and give up, it has been a reminder that God is with me no matter how I might feel in that moment, and it has shown me that I can’t change anything. The only thing I can really do in this life is to look up and keep going forward. I think the song tells the rest of this perfectly and better than I could. Enjoy 🙂

 

(I am not being paid to post this video)

Exam Time – Practice What I’ve Learned

So this past weekend was my churches Christmas Women’s Event. It was awesome but there was an interesting story for me to get there. I have been doing a lot of study on stress and how to not let things get to me lately. I don’t know about you, but I am one that plans things out to the minute. I know exactly how long it takes me to get from point A to point B and how long something should take. So things go wrong, I get a little stressed out. Of course it was all out of my control so I don’t know why they bugged me so much. I guess I just like to have control so when it’s taken a way, I panic.

Well I have been really trying to fix that. I have been reading Joyce Meyer’s book Overload and she talks a lot just letting things go and rolling with life. Something I would like to think I do but I know I have a hard time with. Now, I am a very resourceful person and will figure out a solution to my change of plans or circumstance but the problem is I will concentrate all day on how the first plan went wrong. The thing is over and done with but I will stress myself out all day because I can’t let go about how my plan was better. Of course many times the new plan was actually better than my original plan, but I will still harbor about how my plans got ruined. Do I have anyone out there that can relate?

So, in Joyce’s book, she had some really great ideas on how to let things go and change patterns in your life to help with stress and coping with stress, and I have been using them. It’s actually quite amazing actually how you feel when you don’t try to control everything. Any way, let me tell you my story on how Satan decided yesterday was the perfect to give me an exam on what I have been learning.

Like I said, yesterday was the Christmas Event and I had been looking forward to this evening for weeks. I had my outfit all picked out and ready to go, I had things all out for my husband as he watched our daughter, and now I was just waiting to get ready to go. Morning of I woke up with this giant pimple on my chin. You know the type that if you keep messing with only gets bigger and bigger? Yeah, that was fun but I wasn’t going to worry about it and maybe it would be ready by the evening. Then the morning goes pretty smoothly as I took my husband to work and went grocery shopping. My daughter wanted to go to the gym but I  told her she needed to do quiet time first so she put herself down almost an hour early so we could go. Nothing to worry about right? A little pimple wasn’t going to ruin my day. Heck, during quiet time I actually got to write two chapters in my latest book I am writing!

Then the fun began after she woke up. See, I needed to take a shower and such to go to the event and I thought we were going to gym so I didn’t take one during quiet time and wrote instead. MY daughter wakes up and suddenly she doesn’t want to go to the gym anymore. Well, she had no choice and, after a yelling tantrum in the car all the way there, she was running into the doors to go play. Normally I would have said “screw it” and gone home but I know at the gym I would get to be able to get in peace and have a long shower.

Once I drop my daughter off in child care, I go to the locker room. I find a locker and try it out since it’s one of those digital ones that the batteries always die in and it worked so I out my stuff in and got ready for my shower. I go to lock it and now the battery is dead. So here I am in the towel and I have to unpack this one and find another. I try two more lockers and the same thing happens. Now I have to say this time I didn’t react the best but I didn’t react harshly. I finally found a working locker and went to take my shower.

I literally had one minute of hot water, and it was slowest time of the day for gym which means no one was there! Where the heck did all the hot water go. So instead of having a nice long hot shower, I was stuck with a cold military one. Can you see where I am saying that it had been exam time because having all these things back to back just seemed too ironic. It seemed like when I failed to get stressed out or mad about thing, Satan just tried another.

Well it didn’t stop at the shower since I just turned the water off and went to put my clothes on. As I was out dressing, my cami somehow snapped across my face. I have never done it before and I honestly I can’t figure out how I did it all together, but I do know this – it hurt really badly. Now I am really catching on to Satan’s plan and the reasoning side is trying to make the choice of let it go and move on or get angry and the reactive side just wants to wants to scream and throw a fit at this point. But I stay with my plan and keep staying clam.

Sadly, the test wasn’t over. Hair and Makeup went wrong and then I literally couldn’t get my bag out of the locker. But, finally, I was dressed and ready to go get my daughter. I sign her out and the topper of the exam happened. I snagged my lace shirt on something completely invisible on the wall. I went over the spot over and over again and couldn’t find anything that could have snagged my shirt. Satan was having such a fit that I wasn’t falling for his games that he snagged my shirt. My reaction? “Oh well, you can see it unless I point it out and, if I try to fix it, I’ll just make it worse.

I could just picture Satan at that point. He was probably kicking a screaming because I had failed his test and I went on to have a lovely evening at the even with my friends and family. But you know what? I felt good because I failed and I knew that God was smiling because I am actually learning from what I am studying.

Now the next time I might completely fail, but in that moment I had victory.

How to Grieve a Miscarriage With a Child in the House

I have to say these past few days have been rather crazy. I am still recovering from my D&C and my husband and I are trying to work out our feelings about the loss of our baby. But there is one other person in our home that we cannot forget and that is our two and a half year old daughter. She has feelings just like us and she is very perceptive. We have tried to not make it a huge thing in front of her about the baby passing away, but she knows something is up.

To be honest it would have been easier to actually grieve without a child than it is with one. Let me explain. See, when you have infertility problem without having a child in the house already, there is the ability to openly grieve without little eyes looking at you wondering why mommy has now cried all of a sudden ten times in the last hour. Anyone know what I mean? Children are a lot smarter than people give them credit for and they can sense everything that happens in the house. So if I am sad, my daughter picks up on it and knows that something is wrong.

The other reason why having a child when you have lost another is because your fertility is staring you in the face everyday. You can’t get away from the reminder that at one time you were able to have a baby and now suddenly you can’t. It’s maddening. With my daughter, when things started rolling, they were stressful in their own way but she was a solid pregnancy (difficult birth) but no reasons that the pregnancy was ever in question. Now that I have lost four in a row, it’s so frustrating, but my daughter can’t know because she would feel bad if she really knew what was going on.

Trust me when I say my daughter is enough child for me just like your little one if you are in the same boat as me. And, honestly, she would be enough if my husband and I were never able to have another baby. Would it be heartbreaking for that to really be a reality? Of course, but are we preparing ourselves for that outcome? Yes. But here is the ticket for those of us dealing with secondary infertility is that we have a reason to live that those unfortunate woman who has primary don’t. We have our child that we have been blessed with and that is where having a child and grieving with them in the house is easier.

If I didn’t have my daughter while going through this, I would probably have fallen into a horrible depression. I would probably have internalized this situation to the point that it would have ruined the relationship I have with my husband and I would be curled up in a ball all day in bed because I frankly could. That is not the case for us with children in the house. They force us to get out of bed everyday when we feel like we are falling apart and live because they are still living. Yes, you lost a baby, or two, or three, or four, but you are still a mother to at least one on this earth.

When I get up every morning, especially right now, the first thing I want to see is my daughter’s smiling face. The day after my D&C I was feeling ok physically but emotionally I was drained. I knew she was up but I just wanted to disappear into the sheets, but I had to get up. And you know what I am so glad I did because I got to experience a real treat. My daughter wanted me to cuddle and hold her like I did when she was a baby. Now for those who have had a D&C or had a stillborn, the feelings of holding a baby again is painful, but, when my daughter wanted me do it with her, it was restoring. I knew I still had this little girl who needed me and I needed her. She is still my baby no matter how big she gets, and I will always be her mommy.

So the biggest advantage to having a child and dealing with a miscarriage if they give you a reason to live. They are your joy and strength in a tough time like this. My daughter is that joy and strength and she will be if she turns out to be our only child not by choice. But here are a few tips I am using to get through this valley of grieving when I am unable to show that I am grieving around my daughter:

  • Laugh with him/her
  • Play with him/her
  • Pray for direction and strength
  • Don’t forget to spend time with your husband together and as a family
  • See the blessing that is in front of you instead of the sorrow of your loss
  • And when you can, go into the bathroom and cry it out

That almost last one is the hardest for me. I know with my last pregnancy I had so many plans and dreams to do with this baby since I had learned from some of the mistakes I had made with my daughter. There were quite a few things I hadn’t fully enjoyed and embraced and I wanted to do them over again. But now none of those desires will come true. Will they ever come true with another baby? I don’t know. I still don’t even know what the pathology report says and won’t for another week on why this baby passed away so soon. But what I do know is that I didn’t stop being a mom when this baby’s heart stopped because I still have a child’s whose heart is beating still, and she cannot be forgotten. So continue living as we get to parent our little blessings while remembering our angels in heaven.

 

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My little blessing playing in her favorite spot. She brings so much life into our world.

 

In Times Like These

So in America today, it is election day and this one has been a crazy one. And the worst part is that it is taring our country apart. They keep saying that we need to stand together, but there is one thing about any election and that is there is no way that is going to happen because in order to win you need to turn people against the other person which means there is no way for a country to stand as a whole.

It is kind of like how there will never be world peace. Everyone preaches it, but it will never happen because we live in a broken world. And we live in a broken nation just like the rest of the world. The only true way to have a group of people stand together with peace and harmony is when Jesus comes back. Only then will the true leader of the world sit on the throne and settle all the stupid arguments of which form of government is the right or not. I know which way I think it needs to be, but not everyone agrees with me. It just means that we all have our own opinions on how things are done. Personally I can’t wait for the day where it doesn’t matter what political party someone is.

Jesus come soon… That’s what I keep hearing, but I don’t think that people really understand what has to happen for Jesus to return. We have to go through WWIII and then the tribulation. Selfishly I want that part to take as long as possible, but, at the same time, I do want Jesus to come back. I guess we will see where America will play into God’s almighty plan after this election. We aren’t the best country in the world, but we will play a part. I just pray that it’s a good one.

No, No, No!

So recently we have jumped another milestone in our journey of parenthood – our daughter can now say “No”. She is still our cutie but now with more of an opinion than ever. I now ask her a question and now she can say yes and no and more often right now is no. But then she will all of a sudden she will randomly say “No, no, no!” when she has come across something that isn’t going well that she is playing with at that moment. She gets very upset and tries to fix but is too upset to see that answer is right in front of her. If she would just pick up the block and turn it one turn to the left, it would fit. It’s rather cute in that aspect but it got me thinking.

When my daughter says her “no” rant, it’s not really directed at anything really but it’s still saying “no”. Am I that way with God? Sometimes I just plain out say “No” to God and, like my daughter, receive not so good consequences, then there are other times where I am saying “no, no, no” for no reason. I get frustrated at something because it isn’t going exactly the way I wanted it. Maybe it is out of frustration but it is still saying no to our Creator. Like He isn’t running my life right in this one area. Everything else is going good but this little area needs my handy work to be better.

How might you ask does this look? Say you have grown tired of waiting for something so you go stomping off say “no, no, no” and go off and do you own thing in an other area for a moment. Say you want to get out of debt but it is really hard and yo go off and purchase lots of new shoes. That act totally cancelled out the goal you were setting.  It isn’t like you are 100% defying God’s will but you are still not  saying “yes” to Him to trust that  He is looking out for your best interest. It might look cute to the world to be going your own way, like you deserve those shoes since you work hard, but it is still not cute to God.

When my daughter goes into one of her rants, all I do is roll my eyes and wait for her to come back to her senses. I don’t punish her but I don’t praise her either. That is God’s response. Nothing will happen directly to you since by God since He doesn’t punish us we have to deal with the consequences, but rather we will not receive the blessings He has in store for us. I personally don’t want to miss out.

What about you? Is there something in your life that might be going quite the way you are wanting to go so you try to make it work while mentally shouting “no, no, no”? I know I do sometimes with things like my business and my writing. I have learned that if I just calm down and wait for a couple seconds, I can see the problem clearly in front of me and then I can move forward.

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Emma being a big now with a spoon 🙂