It’s hard to believe but a full year has gone by since losing my little one. I don’t know about you, but it has been a crazy one full of emotions, stress, confusion, and lots of tears. It has been a year that in many ways I want to forget, but I can’t. I can’t erase the image of the ultrasound where there was no heartbeat. I can’t forget my husband taking me in for the D&C. I can’t forget having to tell people that I lost the baby. And I can’t seem to heal my heart all the way.
But I have learned a lot about myself and those around me. I have learned who my true friends are and how strong my family circle is. And my relationship with my daughter and husband are stronger than ever. Without this year I wouldn’t have that. I hope you have seen those types of blessings too, Dear Reader.
Are you like me and just celebrated your one year since your tragic loss? Sometimes you don’t know what you want to hear, but this was how it went for me.
My family went to a theme park on the day of the anniversary and it was a blast. We had such a great time as a family and I didn’t even cry once the whole day. It wasn’t until a few days later that it really hit me when my sister went in for her twenty week ultrasound. That was when I felt a piece of the scab over that hole in my heart flake off and a few drops of blood leaked out.
I thought that I was going to be okay with other people having babies, but I guess I personally have some healing to do. That scab is still very tender and fresh, and, when it flakes off, that pain in my heart of hurt, loss, and desire come back. Do you get what I mean?
Many people have tried to tell me that the pain will go away, but they have never lost a child. Only people who have lost a child and a miscarriage specifically know the that the pain doesn’t go away, but you just get really good at hiding it. After a year you are probably just as fet up as I am with the sad looks and the ‘I’m sorry’ messages to last a life time. I just want to be able to be normal again. I want to be able to enjoy other people’s babies and not be jealous because I miss my own.
It is not a fun feeling, but you do learn to live through it and hopefully I will be able to overcome it. I hope so. I know I have come such a far distance from where I was a year ago and I am still moving forward day by day.
I know you will too, Dear Reader. You are strong and can do anything. How do I know that? Because you are still standing here today after the most devastating experience. If you can live through this then you can live through anything.
God has a plan for all of us and I pray that His hand of fertility stays on you even though it did not stay with me. I have my miracle and am thankful for her. She is why I live and my husband too. He is my rock on this earth and the arms of Jesus when I need it most. He has shown such strength and vitality when I know he just wanted to break down and cry most days. I am so thankful for him as well.
So hold tight to what you do have and see the blessings around you. I know that sometimes sounds hard but I know if I can do it, so can you. Take care Dear Reader and God bless.
If you have been going through infertility, there is a really good chance you have been asked why you don’t just adopt a child, right? My husband and I have many times, and the answer is pretty simple. We cannot afford adoption. It’s killer expensive both foreign and domestic. It’s sad, but foreign is a little cheaper but not much. If you want a special needs child, the odds of being placed are higher, but that was the reason my husband and I stopped trying was due to chromosome issues.
I know it sounds heartless but it’s the truth. I have been through so much with my infertility problems that I don’t need anymore drama in my life. I can get plenty of that from my three year old. But when researching adoption, I just shook my head at all the fees there are to call a child you’re own. Why so much? And then you turn around and people try to guilt you because there are so many kids in foster care. I am sorry to say it can’t go both ways.
One website said that my husband and I have to have a monetary net worth of $80,000 to qualify. Are they crazy? I don’t know anyone with that much worth right now. Oh but then on the same website they are asking for donations because they are overrun. Once again, you can’t have it both ways.
So if you are thinking about tackling the area of adoption, I applaud you. You are a super hero because I don’t think I could do it. Like I said, my three year old is a handful at times and then awesome at others. I don’t need any more babies to have my life full of joy. Do I want another baby, sure, but I don’t need to put my family through unneeded financial and emotional stress to get one. We have already done that trying to have our own.
Of course I am not saying that if God decided that we were going to adopt a child we wouldn’t listen. I mean God is God and when He decides you have kids, you have kids. I am just saying that I wish that people would keep saying we should adopt a child like it is as easy to go adopt a puppy. It’s not and most families can’t afford it even if they have the room. And foster care is a whole different story where we have personal experience of the State going over the good of the child and enabling the horrible parents. Once again, not worth it for me to have more children.
Are you in the same boat as me or are you going to go for adoption? Let me know below and also tell me your success stories since there is more negative than positive out there about adoption. Because I think adoption is amazing. I just wish that is was more easily accessible to more families.
I know that there are people out there who only have the best intentions at heart, but all it take is one misplaced word to not feel like it. How do I know? Because I was surrounded by them who thought they were helping and I had to teach them what I needed to hear and when. The topic I want to talk about is what to NOT say to a friend, or even spouse, that is going through secondary infertility.
Here is what you don’t know about what’s going on in their head. They feel broken, insufficient, second class, crazy, misunderstood and FRUSTRATED. So the last thing they need right now is for you to make them feel worse even if that isn’t your intention. So here is a list of things that made my situation worse and you should avoid.
1. “You will get pregnant if you are just patient.” I hated this one because my husband and I have dealt with secondary infertility for two years before he finally got a vasectomy to finally end the misery. No, if you are patient it won’t always happen. We tried and tried and tried and, you know what it got us? More heartache. If your friend has been talking about doing something permanent about their type of infertility (mine was chromosomal so the baby wouldn’t develop properly and ending in miscarriage) then NEVER, once again NEVER, say this. You might not know how long they have actually been trying. In your mind it has only been a few months that they have been public about it, but they could have been trying for a year before they announced it.
So what should you say instead? “I understand and I am here to listen to you.” All your friend needs to know is that someone will listen to them. I know that was what I needed the most. My doctor wouldn’t listen, and no one else believed me since I didn’t always get a positive pregnancy test, but it would have been the best thing. And if you don’t feel comfortable then listen to the best of your ability and softly suggest they find a professional to talk with. We cannot be everyone’s counselor and sometimes we shouldn’t be. So if it is too much to handle, then suggesting some help isn’t off limits.
2. “Well you have a baby, so you should be thankful.” I am going to tell you what this means – heartless! This is probably one of the most heartless things someone could say to someone who is going through secondary infertility. If you think that they are not thankful for their child, then you are out of touch. Your friend isn’t upset about not being able to have more kids because they are not thankful, but rather they are grieving the death of a dream. Do you have more than one child? If so, then why did you want more children? Shouldn’t you have just been thankful with your first child? Ridiculous right? Well this heartless saying is like a knife to the heart.
What should you say instead? “You have a beautiful child (or children), but I understand your natural desire to want more children.” It is 100% natural to want more kids so, when you can’t, it’s hard to accept. If you make them think their desire needs to be invalid just because they already have kids, then you are missing the point of their pain. Because they have kids already is why they are the most frustrated. They get to stare at their fertility every single day, and it is painful to wrap their heads around why they have been barred from having anymore. So don’t discount the desire or make them feel bad for wanting more kids.
3. “God has a plan.” If they are religious (even if they are super strong in their beliefs), don’t throw God in there right away because frankly those going through secondary infertility are probably also having a tough time with their relationship with God. There is nothing but confusion on why He would allow this to happen to them, and there is also A LOT of anger. This was true for my husband and I and it still is a sore spot when a trigger happens. It’s something that will take years to get over. So DO NOT just throw this out there just because you have nothing else to say. It will do more harm than good.
What should you say instead? Honestly, feel it out. I would suggest you wait until they bring it up. Don’t be the one to bring it up first and DO NOT just throw Bible verses at them about God’s love and plan. Like I said, this might do more harm than good. God does have a plan and we cannot see it. The problem is that your friend might not be able to see past the next day let alone a year from now. So just listen and be there even if you don’t say anything and just sit there in silence while your friend processes.
4. “Pull up your boot straps and get over it. There are people out there worse off than you.” Now if you ever say this to a friend going through secondary infertility, know that I am smacking you over the head right now. When was the last time you got some terrible news and needed time to process? How would you have felt if someone had just come in and told you to pretty much stop caring about your loss and get over it? You might be in a really good spot right now, but your friend isn’t. They need to be validated and understood. Not told to just get over it because they can’t and in some ways they never will. Really, when you are told you can’t have anymore children, you don’t get over it completely. Instead you just get really good at faking it. What you, as the friend, don’t see is your friend’s heart over the years crumble a little bit more every time someone else announces they are pregnant or simply see a cute baby in the market and the mother is doing nothing but complaining about motherhood. Your friend would take that baby in a minute if they could because they know the pain of not having one.
What should you say instead? “Take as long as you need. I know this is a really hard thing, and I am here with you.” If your friend knows there is going to be someone there who knows their story and is there for them they will be more comfortable. Maybe talk about their triggers as time goes along and be there for them when one is triggered. They need to know that people understand this isn’t the same thing as a gold fish dying where you can just go to the pet store and buy a new one. This is a life time issue and it won’t go away. Like I said, we just get really good at faking it since we know that our family and friends don’t want to hear about it all the time. So we stop talking which isn’t good either, but we don’t want to always be miserable to be around. If your friend is starting to close up, then this is where I would really suggest they get help from a professional.
5. “If you just relax it will happen just like it did for me.” NEVER, I say NEVER, compare your story with your friend’s. I understand that our personal story is where we get our experience, but every story is different. If you dealt with infertility and things worked out for you then great, but that doesn’t mean it will work out for your friend. Also your friend doesn’t need you smearing your success in their face. I know that isn’t what you are thinking when you say this, but it’s not a thing of encouragement.
What should you say instead? NOTHING. Nothing about your story unless it is completely relevant to your friend. What do I mean? The same. You can try to be encouraging, but it doesn’t always come across as encouragement. So when in doubt, say nothing.
6. “This too shall pass.” This is not true. The pain might fade to a dull ache, but that ache will be there forever especially with having kids first. If external triggers aren’t hard enough, there are the internal triggers as well. Nothing hurts worse than seeing your three year old rocking her baby doll and tell you she is putting her baby sister to bed. Talk about a shot in the heart. It is hard enough having to deal with others outside the home, but when the other kid(s) start asking for a sibling and you know you can’t give them one then there is nothing to make that pain go away.
What should you say instead? “It will always hurt, but it will get easier each day.” I know this sounds counter productive but it does help. Why? Look at the first part. You validate their pain and the second part is the encouragement they need. Because it is a day by day process, and there is no way to speed up the process.
So there you have it. What not to say and what to say to your friend who is going through secondary infertility. It’s a painful process that will probably last a life time so please be patient and just be there for them. Be their hero and their support as they try to move forward and learn what their new life is going to be. Things will get easier for them, but it is going to take some time.
Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I think I know where I am going in life and then a curve ball comes my way. Then I go in a different direction and then another curve ball comes my way. I know that is just life, but it can be rather frustrating.
I try to listen to God’s will, but so many times I have no idea what that is. I think I do but then I don’t. You know what I mean? I think I am content where I am then something happens and I am back to square one. It then takes weeks for me to get back to where I was content because I have to grieve all over again.
I am reminded on a daily basis that I want another baby an can’t. I thought that I pregnant again even though my husband was supposed to get a vasectomy in the following two weeks. Since I thought I was pregnant we cancelled it, and now I am regretting that since we have to wait two more months for him to get it.
Where the frustration came in was that I was so happy with our decision and that we were moving forward. Now I feel like I have gone three steps back. Back to where I was when I lost my last baby. I was so angry with God then and I am back to being just as frustrated with Him now. I am trying to be content even in the fresh pain of that wound being reopened, but it’s hard. It is so hard to say God is good when I feel like He is being cruel for leading me on.
So we are back to square one with the whole baby thing and my husband has rescheduled his vasectomy, and I have to remember what hope is. It’s still good to hope even after your heart has been hurt again. That’s what Jesus would want.
He isn’t trying to be cruel because He isn’t that way. We live in a broken world with broken bodies. My body for some reason doesn’t do what it’s supposed to and I will never understand why. I am like a car with an engine, gas, and fresh battery, but it still won’t start. I have tried and tried but it still won’t change.
What I am going to do then? figure out a new way to get around. Maybe in this case my husband’s vasectomy is like changing the gas out for solar and now I will be able to move since I no longer have that one area in my life holding me back. It’s a good thing some times to change things up to be content. I can’t have a baby so we are getting a dog. We don’t want to go through this pain anymore so we are having my husband get a vasectomy. I want to have something to fulfill my life more than just being a mom and wife so I am going back to school. There is so many options for couples who have some that ultimate cross road of whether or not to keep trying.
But I know that I am not a broken car. I am really not broken at all. I am not a fan of it since I have always this – I am different. I am created differently than others because I don’t have the same path as everyone. It might feel like I am broken when I see other women sporting their baby bumps but I have to try to keep at the forefront of my mind that I am made for something different, I have a wonderful husband, and a miracle baby who is playing with her dolls right now. My life is good and my life is full.
Just a little update on my infertility situation. I went and had a uterine x-ray done and my husband had a semen analysis. Just like my blood work everything is looking completely normal. According to the radiologist I should “have no problem having a baby”. If only he really knew what the past year has been like. I appreciate the optimism but that’s hard to hear when I have had 3 “incidents” as my OBGYN is calling them in the last year where the embryo didn’t implant into my “perfectly fine uterus”.
I am still going to have a consultation with a specialist to see what he thinks and go from there. The good news is that the D&C that I had during my delivery with Emma had no ill effect on me. So praise God for that because that is what I thought for sure he was going to say was my issue. Yay! A praise!
Still keeping my head up though. I am learning that the “you are fine” diagnosis is ten times more annoying than them finding something wrong. At least if they finally found a problem they can fix it. How am I supposed to fix this issue if technically they can’t find one? I guess then it’s just wait and see but I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I have the strength to wait and see if the next one sticks or the next one after that or the next one after that. I want a straight answer and I pray God gives it to me.
Because I have to try and remember that God is good all the time no matter what my circumstance.
This one is for all my PCOS and infertile friends out there. If you have been keeping up with my blog then you will know that I have PCOS and a miracle baby girl. But since having her, I have not been able to get pregnant. I know everyone says that I need to stay positive and not do anything drastic but it has almost been a year since my husband and I have been trying and I can say I am really starting to be become done.
Sex is not that much fun any more since he and I have decided to start preventing again which means him having to pull out and we miss out on that couple connection or we just have to do no penetration at all. I hate saying that but I can’t keep pretending that this part of my life is fine. I love the other parts of my life but everyone gets to see that part. They can see my new house and all the help that has been graciously bestowed on it but what they don’t get to see is the agony not being able to have another baby (or in my case losing two before they ever got to live) has on me. Most of my friends have had their second baby and I am sitting here unable to do anything about my wanting another baby without any result.
I told my husband a few months ago the reason I want him to have a vasectomy isn’t because I didn’t want anymore kids it was because I couldn’t stand being pregnant for two weeks and then having the period from hell. I want to be able to have sex with my husband without being hurt at the end of the month. I know that broke his heart but he understood. Right now we are waiting to find out if our current incident with a possible pregnancy is going to work out. I started to bleed yesterday so I am sure that it will end up just like the other two.
So if you are going through the same thing as me don’t feel like wanting your husband to get cut is a failure. I mean I am blessed with a beautiful and passionate girl who has my day full so another baby wouldn’t have made things “easier” but it would have added that much more joy to our lives. I have a message into my OBGYN right now about any possible testing to see if anything can be done but sadly I don’t see much hope. All I know is that I want this part of my life to be as happy as the rest of my life. I want to smile and be happy when more people on Facebook announce they are expecting or tell me that “it was a total accident” or “they weren’t even trying”. So I think that it is time for my husband to go have his procedure.
I mean it isn’t like he wasn’t going to do it eventually any way but we were hoping that it would be after we had chosen to be done with kids and not to keep me from being in pain. So I will love my daughter with all my heart and we will have fun. And if God blesses this incident to actually turn out to be a pregnancy then I will praise Him just as much but with a lighter heart than I have now. I know God is good and He has reasons for everything He does. I just need to fight off the enemy’s lies that I am no good and worthless because I can’t have anymore children.
So please take heart. This post isn’t to be a downer but an encouragement. If you have been thinking that enough is enough then that is completely ok. We are not meant to live this life with a down spirit but a spirit of love, joy, peace… and so on. I have to keep reminding myself of that as my husband and I look into this new avenue that we weren’t thinking would be a topic for a few more years. I hope the best for everyone reading this and may God bless you!
I know that my title is odd but let me explain. As of late I have a new life verse which is Romans 5:1-5.
Peace with God Through Faith
1: Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2:Through him we have also obtained access by faithinto this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3:Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4:and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5:and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Can you see now the Yoda joke behind it? Of course it is in the totally opposite direction but I got a smile out of it. But now it is time to get serious. How is this my life verse for right now? Well my husband and I have just lost our third baby in a chemical pregnancy. I know that medically they say it is not a baby but I believe that life starts at conception and that is that. So to me that little ball of cells is my child and nothing anyone says will change that. Also as soon as sperm meet egg, I start having very specific pregnancy symptoms that I don’t have when there is no fertilization. Therefore – We have lost three children in the last seven months and two of them were in the past four months while we have been actively trying to get pregnant.
Needless to say, I am totally heart broken. We are totally content with our little family of three but would love to be able to add to it. So losing these babies has a hurt that I have never experienced before. It’s literally like your heart has been ripped out and stomped into a million pieces and put back in expected to work properly. It just can’t. To lose one baby is one thing but to lose three and have it be each time that fertilization occurred is depressing.
Now what? Well I am going to be going back in to see my doctor for more tests (which I am so excited to be going for more tests – not). I have felt like I have lived in the lab getting blood taken out of me since I was 20 and they thought I had leukemia. I just have never been able to catch a break. So now I get to do it again. I have a pretty good idea what the doctor is going to say since it is an implantation issue (the baby lives for two weeks until it is time to implant and that is when I lose it and have a super long 5-7 day and painful period when mine are normally mild and only 3-5 days) and not a fertilization issue. I am sure that I have scarring from my horrific delivery from my daughter back in 2014. I hope that isn’t the case but due to the fact that I have healthy periods, I would be surprised if it was thin uterine lining.
Any way, so either way it sucks to be going back to the doctor when I thought God had cured me. I mean, He gave me a daughter didn’t He? Why can’t I carry another baby? And that’s where the other side of what’s next comes in.
I will be the first to admit it is easy to blame God for your problems. I can give you a whole list of things that I feel like God has let me down in. Here’s just a few:
I have considered obese my whole life and, no matter what I have done, I can’t seem to lose weight
At the 12 months old I almost died from liver failure
At 9 I was misdiagnosed with spinal meningitis and instead had a severe case of pneumonia and have had asthma ever since
At 19 I went on birth control and gained 50 pounds in 6 months
At 20 I was suspected to have leukemia and had to go through ALL the testing to find out that it was just my birth control
After going off birth control, I didn’t have a period for 10 months and was diagnosed with PCOS and told that I couldn’t have children
Was miraculously able to conceive but was told I would never carry the baby to term
Carried daughter past my due date to only have a horrific 25 hour labor to almost lose her and had to have a d&c to remove all my placenta and to stop my hemorrhaging that I could have died from
Was unable to breast feed my daughter because I had no milk
Couldn’t bond with my daughter in hospital since she was in the NICU under close surveillance and I was under treatment for an infection I got during delivery and didn’t fully bond until she was 8 months old due to the initial separation
And now I have had three chemical pregnancies in the last seven months
As you can see, I have quite the history that I could be mad at God for. I mean couldn’t He give me a break? Even when things were going “good” it was still stressful and in many ways not fun. I can see how people get to that point where suicide looks like a good option. If it wasn’t for my awesome husband and family, I very well could have been pushed to that point.
But I can’t be mad at God for all the hard things in my life because some how they are supposed to work out for my good according to Romans 8:28. I know that one thing all these things have made me stronger and I know a lot when it comes to medical procedures now. Didn’t know what a bone marrow biopsy was but now I certainly do. Ps: you don’t want one I will tell you that. I have had 5 spinal taps in my life so I know those too. I have been x-rayed in my chest so often that I could probably read them myself. They have also taught me to not be as a scared at a procedure. I can go to my happy place and lie there while they do what ever to me.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight bitterness against God. I do when things like this happen. I don’t know about you, but there have been many times that I just want to punch God in the face. But who do I think I am? He is the God of the universe and I think I can just go up and punch Him because He isn’t doing what I want? I really must be crazy. But it doesn’t mean these things don’t hurt.
I remember being told that I couldn’t have kids and the feeling of disgust I had for myself. Nothing for me physically was going right and now I couldn’t do the one thing that a woman was designed to do? Talk about wanting to be mad at God. Women were created to have children! And I couldn’t do it. Then when we got pregnant, yeah the whole experience sucked but feeling my daughter kick and wiggle inside me made it worth it. And you know what it did? It gave me hope. Well now I feel like I am right back where I was three years ago. I can’t carry a baby which is the one thing that I was created to do. So I have a choice. Do I trust God or do I turn away?
With the first miscarriage, I was OKish with it since the timing would have been horrible but I was recked with the second one. I cried for probably two days straight with that one because we had been trying and it looked like God was going to bless us again with another baby and He took that one away too. I mean I was recked and it took me a few weeks to get over it. This one though was a little better. It has taken me about three days to get through the stages of grief and I was actually able to open my Bible and pray. I would say that is progress.
That is when I came across Romans 5:1-5. Obviously growing up in the church, this is not the first time I have seen this but it is the first time I have seen it through my current view point. The title was Peace With God Through Faith and verse 3 says that we rejoice in our sufferings. At that point I wanted to throw the book across the room. Then I read on and this is where I thought Paul would make a cool Yoda;”3b: knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4:and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5:and hope does not put us to shame,”.
My sufferings in the past I know have created endurance. If I hadn’t gone through as much as I have I would give up at the slightest hill and my endurance has shaped my character to be the woman that I am today. And the part that I am working on is my character producing hope. Hope for me is hard since it has been dashed so many times. To be honest I am afraid many times to hope for anything since I know it will not work out. I had hope with this babies and look where it got me. But that isn’t the right attitude to have and I know it. It doesn’t mean it comes easy. I thought it was painful going through those 10 months when I 100% could not get pregnant since there was nothing to fertilize but the pain that I am currently feeling right now is 10,000 times worse. I am OK with not having more children but I would rather that I never was able to conceive at all because that leads to hope. But that is where the last part of the verse struck me. “And hope does not put us to shame”.
There is nothing bad with hope. We need it to survive each day. I just need to keep looking up. I will find out why I can’t carry another baby and I probably won’t like the answer but I pray I don’t lose my hope in God’s plan. I will keep you posted on what my new diagnosis is. And I ask for your prayers. Things are feeling dark and I pray that light will be shined on it soon.