Still Missing My Baby and Trying to Heal

Today was a really great day, but it now seems like it is ending in tears. Not because anything bad happened (actually something really great happened) but because it shows me that I still have some healing to do. I have been doing really well moving on with my life after my miscarriage going on two months ago, but I have to patient with myself and now that it’s only been two months since we said goodbye to our baby.

So the good thing that happened is that I got to see one of my best friends who lives about eight hours away, and we had a great time.  This friend just happens to be pregnant and our babies were due two days apart. Praise God that her pregnancy is going well and life is good for them. We laughed, talked about their baby, and other thing s that are going on in both our lives since we last got together.What the hard part was that after they left, I started having those physical feelings of being pregnant. My breasts hurt, I was nauseated, and I was hardly able to keep my eyes open. All of my main symptoms with my last pregnancy, and quickly was followed by tears.

How was this all possible when I am not pregnant? Simple, your hormones are very powerful and they can sense things around you and mine picked up on the fact my friend is pregnant and it misses being pregnant. The symptoms are finally now wearing off thankfully since my husband and I made the decision to not try again due to the results of our baby’s pathology report so it wouldn’t like we would be really excited if I was pregnant so soon after a D&C. It would be heartbreaking since the odds of it ending the same way as our last four would be rather high. It would be a thing that would be a stress and worry and not a thing of joy and happiness that a new baby should bring.

What it just proved to me was how much I miss my baby and how far I have left to heal. Someday I will be healed but right now the wounds are still there. If you are same place, we are in this together. It doesn’t happen over night and God is with me every step of the way. I still don’t understand why this has happened to us and I probably never will this side of heaven. All I know is that I have to keep the faith and enjoy the family He has given me.

God bless!

Miscarriage Memorial Celebration

To anyone who has lost a child and are looking for a way to make sure they are not forgotten, here is the right place to be. First it is not silly and it is totally valid for wanting to have a memorial for your little one no matter the age because we did something for our lost little ones. Let me tell you my story of what we did and maybe it will spark some inspiration for your event.

A week after my D&C was an emotional day for us because we got to have a celebration that recognized the life of our little angels. It was a such a sweet time and I wasn’t sure what my family would think about it but they came to give their support. Turns out they loved the idea of the celebration because we all believe that these were little people and now they are in heaven waiting to meet us someday.

I read a letter I wrote to my children and other family members said a few words. It was so nice to have that time to mourn over the losses as a family instead of just a couple. I think it’s totally ok to bring other family members into the grieving process because they have a version of it themselves. Our parents are mourning the loss of grandchildren, our siblings are mourning the loss of nieces/nephews, and we are mourning the loss of our children. They are all children just with different titles to different people.

After we had our time of speaking and crying, we then went out and hung a wind chime in their memory with four little butterflies on top.

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I chose to go with butterflies because there is a cool identity behind them. At first I thought maybe angels since we call them our little angels or rainbows because of God’s promise, but then I thought about the butterfly.

A butterfly is a cool insect because it is the picture of transformation. On earth we are like the little caterpillar soaking up God’s word and getting ready to make that cocoon, and then the process of death in the symbolized in the cocoon and when the butterfly breaks out we enter into God’s glory and take on our new heavenly bodies. Well, my little butterflies got to be transformed just a little bit faster than the rest of us. They didn’t have to deal with a regular body outside the womb that gets old and broken. They got to go from the most innocent version of anyone to being born into this perfect body up in heaven. So for that reason I wanted to have butterflies on the wind chime, and my parents found the most perfect one that has the most heavenly sound. It truly doe sound like my little butterflies laughing.

Another thing I got to keep my little butterflies close is I got a Miscarriage Remembrance Necklace from a beautiful Etsy Shop called Brilliant Keepsakes.

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There are so many options but this one just spoke to me since we have a good idea that our last baby was going to be a girl but we are not sure what the other three were since they only lived for a few weeks. I look forward to wearing this in their honor

And one last option we found to remember our little ones is by a Memory Angel Christmas Ornament . We ordered this one off Etsy as well from a shop called Charminglee Charms. We haven’t received it yet but it will be beautiful too. We ordered it with the color bead that would have been her birth month, and we will probably be ordering three more with the other babies projected birth month stone colors as well.

Even with the celebration past, I still miss my babies very much. I will always miss them, but I have hope that I will get to see them again. I will get to meet all four of them when it’s my time to be with Jesus and I can’t wait.

So if you have lost a little one, maybe hanging a wind chime, wearing a necklace or getting something like an ornament, any choice would work well for you to remember that they were a person. They weren’t just a bunch of cells whether you got to see a heartbeat or not. They were your baby and deserve to be remembered. Don’t let anyone make you think that you are making a big deal out of nothing. Losing a baby is painful wether it was at a few weeks or after birth. A baby is a baby and they deserve to be remembered forever.

Good luck and my prayers are with you.