There has been a lot of change in the past few months for my family. I have gone back to being a full time student! This is very exciting since I will finally (after four years of leaving my last school) be able to finish my dream of earning a degree. Also I will now be able to get a job that can pay for childcare and still have some money left over. The cost of childcare was the reason that I have not gone back to school until now, and I decided to go to an all online school so that I would be able to stay home while still completing my classes.
But me being back in school has also added an interesting dynamic to our home since my husband has to take care of our daughter regularly in the evenings so I can go take a test and such. He has had to learn what it is like to be “mom” when your child doesn’t want what you made for dinner or runs around the house because she doesn’t want to go bed. I have done this job of “fully time mommy” for two years now (all day) and he is now getting a taste of it for only a couple hours at most after work. Is he doing a good job? Yes he is. He is doing a great job, but his finished job isn’t always the same as mine and that has taught me a lot about myself.
I have learned that I do have a specific way I like the house at night, and, when my husband is in charge of cleaning up at the end of the night, most of the times it doesn’t even come close to my standards. I finish school for the night hoping that I won’t have to do anymore, but I come out and the an unfinished kitchen, toys not put away, mail not sorted, and other things that I do to make sure I don’t start the next day behind. But I have learned I have a choice in that moment and it comes with keeping balance.
I am learning that the way I react will determine how things go in the future. I like it that my husband takes care of our daughter for me while I study and he does it without complaint so I don’t want to throw a huge fuss because I know he will stop doing that. He will buck against my reaction and not do what I ask of him with a happy heart. But I don’t want to keep picking up after everyone either.
So I tell him how I want the house at the end of the day and he might come back with the all famous man comment “Well I have worked all day and I don’t want to do anymore”. Ladies, how much does that statement make your blood boil?
Men, that statement is the one way to make sure you don’t get laid for a long time. That statement means that you have belittled your wife to just sitting on her butt all day doing nothing. I’ll tell you one thing, your wife by the time you get home has worked almost twelve hours just being up. If she is like me she has done laundry, made two meals, cleaned two meals, house work, get the kids to where they need to go, clean up again, provide snack, clean that up, made the bed, did the dishes, taken care of the pet if you have one, and maybe gotten a chance to take a pee somewhere. This is just a short list of what wives get done on a regular basis, but you are the one who has worked all day?
But her day doesn’t end there. After she has made a third meal, she goes in and tries to get her lesson done while she listens to you and your children in the living room causing noise and ruckus. She sits there hoping to be able to concentrate and know her husband is thinking about her needs with how she wants the house to look at the end of the day and that the two of you will get some time together. That is what is going through your wife’s mind, but does that happen?
For me right now I am still “training” my husband. And I say that very lightly because he does do his best. He honestly doesn’t see the mess right in front of him like a woman does with it being a flashing neon sign. For example, I have lost count at how many times I have asked my husband to wipe down the counters after doing the dishes and I come in and maybe 15% of the time they are actually wiped off. So what do I do? Most days I just wipe off the counters.
But sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just want to go in a scold my husband for not completing the job like I would my daughter, but I can’t because he is not my child. He has a mom who maybe didn’t push for the same level of organization out of him like I would like to see. And I frankly don’t want to re-raise him. I would like it if he would just know what to do on his own. But is it worth putting a dent in our marriage over a wet counter top? Is there a better way to handle things when they are not up to your standards at the end of the day?
For you men, I would suggest that if you are not going to fully help your wives out to have things completely done, don’t ask for some special hugs. Just don’t do it. There is no better way to piss off an exhausted wife than to see her finally sit down after having to come in behind you and finish cleaning after working over twelve hours and then studying than to ask for some sex. It will not go well for you every single time. So how do you men get laid more often when your wife is stretched more than usual? CLEAN AND HELP TO HER STANDARDS. It’s not that difficult.
And for the ladies. If your husband is needing some loving time, don’t always say no because sex is honestly how men are rewarded for doing things for you. He is trying and, if he loves you, he will continue to try until his dying day, but sometimes men just don’t get it. They love you though so don’t forget that.
So what do I do to not lose my mind all the time? Because time with me in school is actually a training time for when I am working. I will just lose time to get things done while I work and my husband will continue to have to pick up some of the slack so that the house doesn’t fall a part. This is what I do: Take a deep breath and try to move on. I will ask my husband why he didn’t finish and tell him how I would like to have it done, but sometimes you can only beat and dead horse so many times. If a man isn’t going to do something, there is nothing a woman can do to make him do it. So you just have to pull up your boot straps and keep marching on.
Because you are going to school for you and your family and your husband does need to understand that. There is so much on your plate now and you need to be allies with him and not enemies. So don’t let a wet counter cause there to be battle lines. The way to be a mom, wife and student is to give grace to those around you (especially your husband), love, understanding and a glass of wine at the end of the day while ignoring everything your husband missed.