How to Grieve a Miscarriage With a Child in the House

I have to say these past few days have been rather crazy. I am still recovering from my D&C and my husband and I are trying to work out our feelings about the loss of our baby. But there is one other person in our home that we cannot forget and that is our two and a half year old daughter. She has feelings just like us and she is very perceptive. We have tried to not make it a huge thing in front of her about the baby passing away, but she knows something is up.

To be honest it would have been easier to actually grieve without a child than it is with one. Let me explain. See, when you have infertility problem without having a child in the house already, there is the ability to openly grieve without little eyes looking at you wondering why mommy has now cried all of a sudden ten times in the last hour. Anyone know what I mean? Children are a lot smarter than people give them credit for and they can sense everything that happens in the house. So if I am sad, my daughter picks up on it and knows that something is wrong.

The other reason why having a child when you have lost another is because your fertility is staring you in the face everyday. You can’t get away from the reminder that at one time you were able to have a baby and now suddenly you can’t. It’s maddening. With my daughter, when things started rolling, they were stressful in their own way but she was a solid pregnancy (difficult birth) but no reasons that the pregnancy was ever in question. Now that I have lost four in a row, it’s so frustrating, but my daughter can’t know because she would feel bad if she really knew what was going on.

Trust me when I say my daughter is enough child for me just like your little one if you are in the same boat as me. And, honestly, she would be enough if my husband and I were never able to have another baby. Would it be heartbreaking for that to really be a reality? Of course, but are we preparing ourselves for that outcome? Yes. But here is the ticket for those of us dealing with secondary infertility is that we have a reason to live that those unfortunate woman who has primary don’t. We have our child that we have been blessed with and that is where having a child and grieving with them in the house is easier.

If I didn’t have my daughter while going through this, I would probably have fallen into a horrible depression. I would probably have internalized this situation to the point that it would have ruined the relationship I have with my husband and I would be curled up in a ball all day in bed because I frankly could. That is not the case for us with children in the house. They force us to get out of bed everyday when we feel like we are falling apart and live because they are still living. Yes, you lost a baby, or two, or three, or four, but you are still a mother to at least one on this earth.

When I get up every morning, especially right now, the first thing I want to see is my daughter’s smiling face. The day after my D&C I was feeling ok physically but emotionally I was drained. I knew she was up but I just wanted to disappear into the sheets, but I had to get up. And you know what I am so glad I did because I got to experience a real treat. My daughter wanted me to cuddle and hold her like I did when she was a baby. Now for those who have had a D&C or had a stillborn, the feelings of holding a baby again is painful, but, when my daughter wanted me do it with her, it was restoring. I knew I still had this little girl who needed me and I needed her. She is still my baby no matter how big she gets, and I will always be her mommy.

So the biggest advantage to having a child and dealing with a miscarriage if they give you a reason to live. They are your joy and strength in a tough time like this. My daughter is that joy and strength and she will be if she turns out to be our only child not by choice. But here are a few tips I am using to get through this valley of grieving when I am unable to show that I am grieving around my daughter:

  • Laugh with him/her
  • Play with him/her
  • Pray for direction and strength
  • Don’t forget to spend time with your husband together and as a family
  • See the blessing that is in front of you instead of the sorrow of your loss
  • And when you can, go into the bathroom and cry it out

That almost last one is the hardest for me. I know with my last pregnancy I had so many plans and dreams to do with this baby since I had learned from some of the mistakes I had made with my daughter. There were quite a few things I hadn’t fully enjoyed and embraced and I wanted to do them over again. But now none of those desires will come true. Will they ever come true with another baby? I don’t know. I still don’t even know what the pathology report says and won’t for another week on why this baby passed away so soon. But what I do know is that I didn’t stop being a mom when this baby’s heart stopped because I still have a child’s whose heart is beating still, and she cannot be forgotten. So continue living as we get to parent our little blessings while remembering our angels in heaven.

 

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My little blessing playing in her favorite spot. She brings so much life into our world.

 

A Mother is Always a Mother

So this weekend has been a tough one for me and my family. It was a weekend that we have tried so hard to avoid but it didn’t work out. If you are a follower on Facebook with me, you have heard part of the story but here is the whole story from the beginning.

On September 17, 2016 I knew that I had been feeling pregnant again and I was terrified. It was going to be the fourth time this year that this has happened and I know that I was just going to wait until I miscarried and not even bother taking a test this. I mean we had our infertility appointment set for the next so it would nave been a good time for it to happen anyway. But then I counted out the days since my last period and noticed that this time I had gone farther than any of the other three so I took a chance and took a test. To my amazement, I saw a plus sign. I was pregnant! Confirmed pregnant! No one could tell me that it was my imagination or that I was over thinking things.  I was pregnant.

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So I we happened to be going to an amusement park the next day with my family the next day so I had to tell them or it would have been really awkward. They were all excited since we had finally had a positive and had given up on trying. It looked like God was going to give a blessing.

So I went to my first appointment and everything looked and we got to hear the heartbeat. I was confident now that the baby had made it this far that it was going to make it to the end like my daughter. Went the second appoint and same thing. Everything was going smoothly except for a couple of scares that I went to the ER for as a precaution but they weren’t the type that were uncommon. Everyone kept saying everything was fine. To the point that I started putting a baby registry together.

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Then on November 10, 2016 I expected to go see my thriving baby and that wasn’t the case. I had just in the ER the week earlier and I heard the heartbeat. Now I lying there and there isn’t one. My baby was gone. There are really words to describe that feeling of seeing a thriving baby one time and then a shell the next. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to experience. I still close my eyes and all I see is the ultrasound with a flat line where my baby’s heartbeat should be.

I got to be with my angel for ten weeks and then she (we believe due to all my symptoms and my little bump I was forming were identical to our daughter) went to be with the Lord. Then on top of it all I had to D&C the next day since the baby had shrunk so much that my doctor was now worried for my health. So in a matter of 24 hours I went from being pregnant, to not being pregnant, to having a surgery. I was beyond words and all I could do was cry.

I couldn’t believe that what we thought was going to be our blessing for everything we have gone through this year had now turned into another heartbreaking event. The only thing was that I am not as angry at God anymore since I have gone through tree others. The thing with my reaction God was ‘make me barren or give me child’. I am done with the games. I don’t want to keep going through this and I don’t want to keep putting my family through this. It isn’t fair to anyone.

Thankfully the D&C went well and for now I seem to be healing nicely. I guess we will just see how things go. But there is still a lot of mourning going on in my home. My husband is just floored and upset. He is so tired of the loss. I am trying to be brave but it is hard.

I am still a mother since I have living proof of my daughter but I am really a mother of five not just one. Only you can’t see them, and that is so hard. It is easy for people to remember my daughter because she is with us and people have met her,e but one got to meet this little one or our other angels. I am so afraid of them being forgotten. They are just as much my kids as my daughter but they only live on in my husband’s and mine’s hearts.

We don’t know what the next step is from here since we haven’t heard back on the pathology report. I hope they can give us some answers since we have nothing but questions. Will we try for another baby? I have no idea. I have to grieve after this one before I can think about that. I do know we are running out of time for any more children and our daughter to be close in age. If it doesn’t happen by summer then we are more than likely done.

This has been a really hard road but I rejoice in knowing someday I will get to meet all four of my angels. Jesus please take care of them because down here on earth I want them back.