Miscarriage One Year Anniversary

It’s hard to believe but a full year has gone by since losing my little one. I don’t know about you, but it has been a crazy one full of emotions, stress, confusion, and lots of tears. It has been a year that in many ways I want to forget, but I can’t. I can’t erase the image of the ultrasound where there was no heartbeat. I can’t forget my husband taking me in for the D&C. I can’t forget having to tell people that I lost the baby. And I can’t seem to heal my heart all the way.

But I have learned a lot about myself and those around me. I have learned who my true friends are and how strong my family circle is. And my relationship with my daughter and husband are stronger than ever. Without this year I wouldn’t have that. I hope you have seen those types of blessings too, Dear Reader.

Are you like me and just celebrated your one year since your tragic loss? Sometimes you don’t know what you want to hear, but this was how it went for me.

My family went to a theme park on the day of the anniversary and it was a blast. We had such a great time as a family and I didn’t even cry once the whole day. It wasn’t until a few days later that it really hit me when my sister went in for her twenty week ultrasound. That was when I felt a piece of the scab over that hole in my heart flake off and a few drops of blood leaked out.

I thought that I was going to be okay with other people having babies, but I guess I personally have some healing to do. That scab is still very tender and fresh, and, when it flakes off, that pain in my heart of hurt, loss, and desire come back. Do you get what I mean?

Many people have tried to tell me that the pain will go away, but they have never lost a child. Only people who have lost a child and a miscarriage specifically know the that the pain doesn’t go away, but you just get really good at hiding it. After a year you are probably just as fet up as I am with the sad looks and the ‘I’m sorry’ messages to last a life time. I just want to be able to be normal again. I want to be able to enjoy other people’s babies and not be jealous because I miss my own.

It is not a fun feeling, but you do learn to live through it and hopefully I will be able to overcome it. I hope so. I know I have come such a far distance from where I was a year ago and I am still moving forward day by day.

I know you will too, Dear Reader. You are strong and can do anything. How do I know that? Because you are still standing here today after the most devastating experience. If you can live through this then you can live through anything.

God has a plan for all of us and I pray that His hand of fertility stays on you even though it did not stay with me. I have my miracle and am thankful for her. She is why I live and my husband too. He is my rock on this earth and the arms of Jesus when I need it most. He has shown such strength and vitality when I know he just wanted to break down and cry most days. I am so thankful for him as well.

So hold tight to what you do have and see the blessings around you. I know that sometimes sounds hard but I know if I can do it, so can you. Take care Dear Reader and God bless.

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Making it Work

So here is actually a funny story for today. I know my posts lately have been about loss and sadness, but there is a lot of joy and good going on in my life. One of them happened yesterday even though they didn’t start out that way.

So yesterday my husband got our daughter ready to go since I drive him to work being we only have one car. I asked him does she have on pants and he said that she didn’t want to wear them, but he will put them in the car. We leave and I have to go to Home Depot on the way home and therefore Emma having pants was kind of a big deal. I grab the jumbled fabric that he said were pants and it was a long sleeve shirt. She of course already had a shirt, and I needed pants.

A little miffed at my husband, I go to Home Depot anyway and try to think about what I was going to do about my daughter not having any pants. Well, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in my heart and said, “It’s a long sleeve shirt. Put it on like a skirt and tie the sleeves in the back to keep it on”. It was genius!

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Doesn’t she look cute with her skirt shirt thing? And everyone kept telling me that my daughter’s outfit was so cute as we walked through the store. If only they knew what kind of morning had led up to it. So, in the honor of that guy who now plays Bailywick in Sofia the First, I made it work 🙂

One Week After D&C

Today is one seek since my D&C and it has been quite the week. I still miss my baby very much, but my heart is beginning to open to the idea of moving on. I still have to wait via doctor’s orders to keep from being with my husband but I think the time has been good in order to get my head going in the right direction instead of just jumping right into bed with him again and just trying to get back into life. I didn’t take the time with my others and we both suffered in the long run for awhile. So taking the time to heal before is very important to anyone who has suffered from a miscarriage.

My husband and I have really gotten a chance to talk about how we are feeling where we want to go in the journey of building our family or keeping it just as it is. The conversations have not been easy since we have had to answer some pretty hard inward questions but they have been worth it. We are still not sure where we want to go. We don’t know if we want to keep trying to keep trying for a baby or to just enjoy the little miracle we have.

There is really no wrong answer though which is nice. The right answer is to keep trying and the right  answer to just enjoy our only child. She is enough for both of us so we would be happy either way. We have some plans we want to do and adding a new born to our life would be tricky, but there is still that desire to keep trying.

If you are like me and are having this inward tug of war, know that you are not alone and there really is no wrong answer. You have to do what is right over all for your family and not what your parents or friends say, your doctor says or what society says. The only people you need to worry about is you and your partner and everything else will fall into place. I know because I have to tell myself that same thing every day. I know have to make a decision but right now I am going to take the next week to continue healing and reconnecting with my husband on an emotional level before we move back into our physical relationship.

 

How to Grieve a Miscarriage With a Child in the House

I have to say these past few days have been rather crazy. I am still recovering from my D&C and my husband and I are trying to work out our feelings about the loss of our baby. But there is one other person in our home that we cannot forget and that is our two and a half year old daughter. She has feelings just like us and she is very perceptive. We have tried to not make it a huge thing in front of her about the baby passing away, but she knows something is up.

To be honest it would have been easier to actually grieve without a child than it is with one. Let me explain. See, when you have infertility problem without having a child in the house already, there is the ability to openly grieve without little eyes looking at you wondering why mommy has now cried all of a sudden ten times in the last hour. Anyone know what I mean? Children are a lot smarter than people give them credit for and they can sense everything that happens in the house. So if I am sad, my daughter picks up on it and knows that something is wrong.

The other reason why having a child when you have lost another is because your fertility is staring you in the face everyday. You can’t get away from the reminder that at one time you were able to have a baby and now suddenly you can’t. It’s maddening. With my daughter, when things started rolling, they were stressful in their own way but she was a solid pregnancy (difficult birth) but no reasons that the pregnancy was ever in question. Now that I have lost four in a row, it’s so frustrating, but my daughter can’t know because she would feel bad if she really knew what was going on.

Trust me when I say my daughter is enough child for me just like your little one if you are in the same boat as me. And, honestly, she would be enough if my husband and I were never able to have another baby. Would it be heartbreaking for that to really be a reality? Of course, but are we preparing ourselves for that outcome? Yes. But here is the ticket for those of us dealing with secondary infertility is that we have a reason to live that those unfortunate woman who has primary don’t. We have our child that we have been blessed with and that is where having a child and grieving with them in the house is easier.

If I didn’t have my daughter while going through this, I would probably have fallen into a horrible depression. I would probably have internalized this situation to the point that it would have ruined the relationship I have with my husband and I would be curled up in a ball all day in bed because I frankly could. That is not the case for us with children in the house. They force us to get out of bed everyday when we feel like we are falling apart and live because they are still living. Yes, you lost a baby, or two, or three, or four, but you are still a mother to at least one on this earth.

When I get up every morning, especially right now, the first thing I want to see is my daughter’s smiling face. The day after my D&C I was feeling ok physically but emotionally I was drained. I knew she was up but I just wanted to disappear into the sheets, but I had to get up. And you know what I am so glad I did because I got to experience a real treat. My daughter wanted me to cuddle and hold her like I did when she was a baby. Now for those who have had a D&C or had a stillborn, the feelings of holding a baby again is painful, but, when my daughter wanted me do it with her, it was restoring. I knew I still had this little girl who needed me and I needed her. She is still my baby no matter how big she gets, and I will always be her mommy.

So the biggest advantage to having a child and dealing with a miscarriage if they give you a reason to live. They are your joy and strength in a tough time like this. My daughter is that joy and strength and she will be if she turns out to be our only child not by choice. But here are a few tips I am using to get through this valley of grieving when I am unable to show that I am grieving around my daughter:

  • Laugh with him/her
  • Play with him/her
  • Pray for direction and strength
  • Don’t forget to spend time with your husband together and as a family
  • See the blessing that is in front of you instead of the sorrow of your loss
  • And when you can, go into the bathroom and cry it out

That almost last one is the hardest for me. I know with my last pregnancy I had so many plans and dreams to do with this baby since I had learned from some of the mistakes I had made with my daughter. There were quite a few things I hadn’t fully enjoyed and embraced and I wanted to do them over again. But now none of those desires will come true. Will they ever come true with another baby? I don’t know. I still don’t even know what the pathology report says and won’t for another week on why this baby passed away so soon. But what I do know is that I didn’t stop being a mom when this baby’s heart stopped because I still have a child’s whose heart is beating still, and she cannot be forgotten. So continue living as we get to parent our little blessings while remembering our angels in heaven.

 

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My little blessing playing in her favorite spot. She brings so much life into our world.

 

A Mother is Always a Mother

So this weekend has been a tough one for me and my family. It was a weekend that we have tried so hard to avoid but it didn’t work out. If you are a follower on Facebook with me, you have heard part of the story but here is the whole story from the beginning.

On September 17, 2016 I knew that I had been feeling pregnant again and I was terrified. It was going to be the fourth time this year that this has happened and I know that I was just going to wait until I miscarried and not even bother taking a test this. I mean we had our infertility appointment set for the next so it would nave been a good time for it to happen anyway. But then I counted out the days since my last period and noticed that this time I had gone farther than any of the other three so I took a chance and took a test. To my amazement, I saw a plus sign. I was pregnant! Confirmed pregnant! No one could tell me that it was my imagination or that I was over thinking things.  I was pregnant.

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So I we happened to be going to an amusement park the next day with my family the next day so I had to tell them or it would have been really awkward. They were all excited since we had finally had a positive and had given up on trying. It looked like God was going to give a blessing.

So I went to my first appointment and everything looked and we got to hear the heartbeat. I was confident now that the baby had made it this far that it was going to make it to the end like my daughter. Went the second appoint and same thing. Everything was going smoothly except for a couple of scares that I went to the ER for as a precaution but they weren’t the type that were uncommon. Everyone kept saying everything was fine. To the point that I started putting a baby registry together.

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Then on November 10, 2016 I expected to go see my thriving baby and that wasn’t the case. I had just in the ER the week earlier and I heard the heartbeat. Now I lying there and there isn’t one. My baby was gone. There are really words to describe that feeling of seeing a thriving baby one time and then a shell the next. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to experience. I still close my eyes and all I see is the ultrasound with a flat line where my baby’s heartbeat should be.

I got to be with my angel for ten weeks and then she (we believe due to all my symptoms and my little bump I was forming were identical to our daughter) went to be with the Lord. Then on top of it all I had to D&C the next day since the baby had shrunk so much that my doctor was now worried for my health. So in a matter of 24 hours I went from being pregnant, to not being pregnant, to having a surgery. I was beyond words and all I could do was cry.

I couldn’t believe that what we thought was going to be our blessing for everything we have gone through this year had now turned into another heartbreaking event. The only thing was that I am not as angry at God anymore since I have gone through tree others. The thing with my reaction God was ‘make me barren or give me child’. I am done with the games. I don’t want to keep going through this and I don’t want to keep putting my family through this. It isn’t fair to anyone.

Thankfully the D&C went well and for now I seem to be healing nicely. I guess we will just see how things go. But there is still a lot of mourning going on in my home. My husband is just floored and upset. He is so tired of the loss. I am trying to be brave but it is hard.

I am still a mother since I have living proof of my daughter but I am really a mother of five not just one. Only you can’t see them, and that is so hard. It is easy for people to remember my daughter because she is with us and people have met her,e but one got to meet this little one or our other angels. I am so afraid of them being forgotten. They are just as much my kids as my daughter but they only live on in my husband’s and mine’s hearts.

We don’t know what the next step is from here since we haven’t heard back on the pathology report. I hope they can give us some answers since we have nothing but questions. Will we try for another baby? I have no idea. I have to grieve after this one before I can think about that. I do know we are running out of time for any more children and our daughter to be close in age. If it doesn’t happen by summer then we are more than likely done.

This has been a really hard road but I rejoice in knowing someday I will get to meet all four of my angels. Jesus please take care of them because down here on earth I want them back.

I Miss VHS and Cassette

Being a 90s kid, I remember VHS and Cassette Tapes and therefore I remember when DVDs  and CDs came out. They were supposed to be these awesome things for movie goers and music listeners because they didn’t take up much space on the shelf and they could have hours of extras of bonus material that had been possible before on a VHS. Sounds great right? Well there is one thing about DVDS: They suck with kids. Let me explain.

I remember as a kid being able to get up and go start my own movie with no parental help whatsoever by the age of two. Why? Because it simply required me to remember two buttons on the remote, the power button on the tv, and sliding the movie into the player. Now, it will take my daughter a lot longer because half of the DVD menus require the ability to read, and take two, three and even four buttons to finally get to the movie. So now I have to get out of bed and start my child’s movie when she gets up before I am ready to start the day instead of her being able to be independent and start the movie herself.

The second thing that is irritating with DVDs and kids is that they ridiculously fragile! Seriously!? Why is that with all the technology in the world the next best thing can’t hold up to a toddler holding it the wrong way for it to not play properly anymore? And just so you know, that whole thing with BluRay that is can’t scratch is bogus too because they obviously didn’t include toddlers in their focus groups. My daughter has damaged three BluRays to the point I will have to replace them.

With VHS it was so much easier because they only had one weakness and that was if little Johnny decided to pull the black tape out of the casing. Otherwise, my VHSs survived being stepped on, thrown, and even ran over. Yes, I left one of my movies in the garage as a kid and my Dad ran over it. But, you know what, it still worked. I would love to see a DVD or a CD survive being run over.

I know what you are probably thinking and why don’t I just keep them out of my daughter’s reach? Well I’ll tell you why – she doesn’t stop. Take a look at this poor CD for example.

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This lovely little CD was on a top shelf and my little one climbed up and got it down and hid it from me. Today I finally found it in her room in pieces since my daughter now knows what happen with something not bendy is bent. She also gets to learn what happens when we don’t treat the things we have with respect and this is now in the trash and she thinks I am a monster.

But you know what, this would never happen with a VHS or Cassette. Nope. It would have taken ALOT more force than a toddler bending it to have one of them break. So, as a mom, I wish they didn’t get rid of VHS and Cassettes completely. I believe they are very much still relevant. And to me, the bonus features really aren’t that worth it. Most of the time they don’t show the “how they did it” like I would like to any way. I would rather save money from not having to buy the same movie I love in less than a year because I daughter thought it would make a fun chew toy.

So to all those parents out there who feel the same, stay strong. Someday we won’t have to keep treating the DVDs like they are made of gold anymore.

It’s Quiet in My House

My house is quiet tonight. Now as a mom, if your house is quiet with your kids in it, that could be a bad thing. I know when my daughter is quiet normally it is because she has gotten into who knows what and is doing who knows what with it, but not tonight. Tonight my parents have her and I was really excited about having some quiet to myself until my husband gets home from work, but, as soon as I left her, my world felt empty. I knew there was something missing.

Now my little girl is a handful and trust me when I say I am happy for a break, but that isn’t what made it feel like something is missing. It felt empty because she is my life. As a stay at home mom, you get very little time to and for yourself. You spend all day taking care of the kids and then your husband when he comes home. The word ‘tired’ is tattooed across your forehead and all you dream about is taking a shower that is longer than five minutes which includes the heat up time. I get that tonight and now I want her back. I want her crawling on me and demanding things from me left and right. I feel like my night has no purpose and my house feels hollow. I walk by her room and I want to curl up in her bed just to get her scent. She is my world and I miss her.

I know she is fine and in five minutes I will be jumping for joy down the halls that I get to sleep in without my normal 6:00 am alarm clock, but right now I miss her. She is having so much fun that she doesn’t know what to do with it. My parents will keep her well busy and the other way around and I look forward to hearing the stories from their time together. So tonight I will enjoy the quiet house and the night’s sleep because I go pick her up tomorrow and my crazy life picks up again. I can’t wait.

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You can tell she is a barrel of fun 🙂