With PCOS I Feel Like a Broken Car

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I think I know where I am going in life and then a curve ball comes my way. Then I go in a different direction and then another curve ball comes my way. I know that is just life, but it can be rather frustrating.

I try to listen to God’s will, but so many times I have no idea what that is. I think I do but then I don’t. You know what I mean? I think I am content where I am then something happens and I am back to square one. It then takes weeks for me to get back to where I was content because I have to grieve all over again.

I am reminded on a daily basis that I want another baby an can’t. I thought that I pregnant again even though my husband was supposed to get a vasectomy in the following two weeks. Since I thought I was pregnant we cancelled it, and now I am regretting that since we have to wait two more months for him to get it.

Where the frustration came in was that I was so happy with our decision and that we were moving forward. Now I feel like I have gone three steps back. Back to where I was when I lost my last baby. I was so angry with God then and I am back to being just as frustrated with Him now. I am trying to be content even in the fresh pain of that wound being reopened, but it’s hard. It is so hard to say God is good when I feel like He is being cruel for leading me on.

So we are back to square one with the whole baby thing and my husband has rescheduled his vasectomy, and I have to remember what hope is. It’s still good to hope even after your heart has been hurt again. That’s what Jesus would want.

He isn’t trying to be cruel because He isn’t that way. We live in a broken world with broken bodies. My body for some reason doesn’t do what it’s supposed to and I will never understand why. I am like a car with an engine, gas, and fresh battery, but it still won’t start. I have tried and tried but it still won’t change.

What I am going to do then? figure out a new way to get around. Maybe in this case my husband’s vasectomy is like changing the gas out for solar and now I will be able to move since I no longer have that one area in my life holding me back. It’s a good thing some times to change things up to be content. I can’t have a baby so we are getting a dog. We don’t want to go through this pain anymore so we are having my husband get a vasectomy. I want to have something to fulfill my life more than just being a mom and wife so I am going back to school. There is so many options for couples who have some that ultimate cross road of whether or not to keep trying.

But I know that I am not a broken car. I am really not broken at all. I am not a fan of it since I have always this – I am different. I am created differently than others because I don’t have the same path as everyone. It might feel like I am broken when I see other women sporting their baby bumps but  I have to try to keep at the forefront of my mind that I am made for something different, I have a wonderful husband, and a miracle baby who is playing with her dolls right now. My life is good and my life is full.

In Times Like These

So in America today, it is election day and this one has been a crazy one. And the worst part is that it is taring our country apart. They keep saying that we need to stand together, but there is one thing about any election and that is there is no way that is going to happen because in order to win you need to turn people against the other person which means there is no way for a country to stand as a whole.

It is kind of like how there will never be world peace. Everyone preaches it, but it will never happen because we live in a broken world. And we live in a broken nation just like the rest of the world. The only true way to have a group of people stand together with peace and harmony is when Jesus comes back. Only then will the true leader of the world sit on the throne and settle all the stupid arguments of which form of government is the right or not. I know which way I think it needs to be, but not everyone agrees with me. It just means that we all have our own opinions on how things are done. Personally I can’t wait for the day where it doesn’t matter what political party someone is.

Jesus come soon… That’s what I keep hearing, but I don’t think that people really understand what has to happen for Jesus to return. We have to go through WWIII and then the tribulation. Selfishly I want that part to take as long as possible, but, at the same time, I do want Jesus to come back. I guess we will see where America will play into God’s almighty plan after this election. We aren’t the best country in the world, but we will play a part. I just pray that it’s a good one.

When Everything Seems Normal

Just a little update on my infertility situation. I went and had a uterine x-ray done and my husband had a semen analysis. Just like my blood work everything is looking completely normal. According to the radiologist I should “have no problem having a baby”. If only he really knew what the past year has been like. I appreciate the optimism but that’s hard to hear when I have had 3 “incidents” as my OBGYN is calling them in the last year where the embryo didn’t implant into my “perfectly fine uterus”.

I am still going to have a consultation with a specialist to see what he thinks and go from there. The good news is that the D&C that I had during my delivery with Emma had no ill effect on me. So praise God for that because that is what I thought for sure he was going to say was my issue. Yay! A praise!

Still keeping my head up though. I am learning that the “you are fine” diagnosis is ten times more annoying than them finding something wrong. At least if they finally found a problem they can fix it. How am I supposed to fix this issue if technically they can’t find one? I guess then it’s just wait and see but I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I have the strength to wait and see if the next one sticks or the next one after that or the next one after that. I want a straight answer and I pray God gives it to me.

Because I have to try and remember that God is good all the time no matter what my circumstance.

Looking to the Future

So a few months ago, I wrote a post saying we might have mold in our rental. Well we did and in the process lost 99% of our possessions. I went from having a fully furnished and probably overly furnished home with everything that anyone could need to having a week’s worth of clothes and a few toys for my daughter. Then on top of it our car’s AC died so we went from one car to no car in a matter of minutes. I was completely devastated. But God really showed His hand through it all.

First, we were blessed with a table and chairs. I know that may not sound like much but to us it was  a big deal. Then God provided us a way to actually buy a house this time instead of having to rent again. After that, people started coming out of the wood work to donate items that we needed to us.

People were giving us simple stuff like bath towels to the big stuff like couches and furniture. Our new home was furnished before we even signed the papers. And God provided us a way through a gracious Uncle to buy a 2006 Toyota Matrix which is a huge upgrade from our 1997 Honda Accord. It was truly like a Hallmark movie where the poor family is left out in the rain and the mean management company ends up looking like idiots. It really did. We still haven’t gotten any compensation from them but God will work that out too. We are taking all necessary action to make sure what happened to us won’t happen to another family.

But now we are in our new place and we are so excited to see how God works things out in the future. Our house is the perfect little starter home which we and our daughter love. She is so excited to have some stability in her life. Grandma and Grandpa were awesome but there still is no place like home for a little girl.

If you are going through a tough season know that God does care about you. I know there were many things in this storm that I felt that God had just left me to my despair but that wasn’t true. It was just a lie that the enemy was trying to sell and I almost bought. If it wasn’t for some very strong Christian women in my life I would have pulled out my money and taken the lie to heart.

And if you don’t have a woman or man in your life right now then I will be it. Don’t you dare let Satan steal your joy and your peace! God loves you vey much and He is working this all out for your good! No matter what the storm is like outside, stay in the boat with Jesus and He will take you to the other side. Don’t lose hope and don’t forsake your God for the only other option is to drown. We can’t do anything on our own. We need Jesus and He is here for us.

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Mark 4:37-40

37 And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. 38 But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” 39 And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 40 He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”

These verses were my mindset perfectly. Are they your’s or do you have the faith to sail to the other side without fear? Maybe next time I will do better with my faith as I cross the sea with Jesus.

Steak Knives

Have you ever had this happen to you? You buy a pair of steak knives and they are awesome. They are sharp and cut through any type of meat, cheese, or veggie you want. Then time goes on and they are not as sharp as they once were but you really don’t notice that you are having to use more force to cut your meat and your cheese is now coming off in uneven cuts as they are having a hard time staying straight. Finally you get to the point where the knives don’t actually cut anything but you are so used to them that you just put up with it.

Can anyone relate? I know it is kind of a silly story but it is 100% true. My parents have had these not matching steak knives since I can remember. They are now pretty much just cool looking butter knives but they refused to get new ones since they were so used to the old ones. Well, my husband and I decided that if they weren’t going to get some then we would. So as a thank you for letting me and my daughter live with them for two months until we were able to move into our new house, we bought them a nice steak knife set. Guess what happened? They were amazed at how long they had put up with the old ones and finally saw how much better these were.

Ok, what’s my point? Why bring up something as silly as steak knives? Because I think that is how Christianity has become in our country. We once were sharp and ready to cut through anything that wasn’t God honoring but over time have gotten duller and duller to the waves of culture influence. It is now that the church is so dull as a whole that is only spreads butter and doesn’t make any impact in the world around us.

Now there are good things happening by the work of Christians but that is just a small handful. I know I am not making an impact to the those around me like I should. I have a new neighbor that is already driving me crazy but I haven’t even been over to introduce myself and I have been in my house for almost two weeks. How am I any different from the rest of the stagnant Christians out there? Yes I have a book out called Potholes of Hope and that is all about Jesus’ love and forgiveness for our ways but is it enough? I don’t think so. I need to actually get out and spread Jesus’ love to everyone.

Actually what is putting me to shame are the songs my two year old daughter is listening to like: Jesus Loves MeHe Has the Whole WorldThe Wise Man, and I’ve Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart. Do I believe any of that? Do you?

Imagine what the world out be like if we did. We need to throw out our old steak knife Christianity and bring in a whole new set that is refreshed with the truth and word of Jesus Christ. Then we would see change in our world. Until then, good luck eating your steak.

Breathing is Optional… Right?

It is allergy season here in Nor Cal and that means danger for me. I have allergy induced asthma so, for me, I dread the sniffles of allergies. I end up having an asthma attack twice a year (once in the spring and once in the fall), and last night was my spring attack. I tried to keep it at bay with all my home care but nothing was working so, finally at 9:30pm, I went to the ER to get a breathing treatment.

The ER was packed! I have never seen an ER so packed. I thought that telling them that I was having an asthma attack and was having trouble breathing they would have taken me back somewhat soon. Nope, 1 hour in the main waiting room, 10 minutes to be triaged, and then 20 minutes to be seen by a doctor who told me that it would be a 3 hour wait for room. I was shocked! Here is someone with breathing issues and you tell them there is a 3 hour wait when they have already been there an 1.5 hours! I thought that was crazy. He then told me my other option was to take 8 puffs within the next hour of my inhaler and he would order a steroid. All well and good if my rescue inhaler had been working. If it had, I wouldn’t be in the ER!

So I tried calling family to see if anyone was able to take my daughter the next day if I waited to actually get a breathing treatment and no one was available. So I had to make the choice to leave and try again at home or have about 3 hours sleep by the time I got a room, the breathing treatment and discharged. I took the 8 puffs (which I was never told I could. It even says on the box to only take 2 puffs every 4 hours) and waited.

For anyone who has asthma, you understand the frustration I felt. When you are having an asthma attack, it feel like the air is being sucked out of you. You can’t take a deep breath, you get light headed, dizzy, you can’t talk (or at least the volume in my voice almost disappears), your blood pressure spikes, your heart rate spikes, you can’t think straight and, if it gets bad enough, you start to lose your ability to even answer simple questions like “what’s your name?”

Here I am asking for help because the stuff I was doing at home wasn’t helping and they turn around and say “sorry but you really aren’t that important”. I hate hospitals and I do everything I can to avoid going to one so if I actually walk through the door it means I actually need help. Unfortunately, if you don’t have asthma, you can’t relate to how serious it can be. My attack I had last fall got so bad that, by the time I got to the doctor, I had 40% lung capacity. I didn’t want that to happen again so I went before it got there. I guess I should have waited and come in on an oxygen tank :/

So I waited to see if the puffs would work. Praise the Lord! I was feeling my ability to think return and my headache diminish a little. I would actually talk and my breathing did get better. It wasn’t like it would be if I was able to get a breathing treatment was it was way better than when I walked through the door. The doctor was happy too since I believe that he wanted to give me the treatment but they can only perform them in a room and there wasn’t one in the whole ER available. Of course I just thought in the back of my head “all I need is the nebulizer and an outlet. I’ll do it in the bathroom if I have to” but rules are rules. He discharged me and I went and got my meds from the pharmacy before going home.

I still didn’t get home until 1:00am but it was better than 3:00am or 4:00am. I took my steroid and prayed I would be able to still breathe in the morning. Thankfully I was and attack had lessened. The steroid had begun to kick in and I took 4 more puffs as soon as I woke up. Now I am just tired. When you go hours without proper oxygen levels it feels like you have just run a marathon. I just pray that the steroid keeps working and the inflammation goes down quickly. I don’t like being stuck in bed and my two year old thinks it’s really not a lot of fun either. I am busy mommy who wants to have fun. And I have my favorite gym class tomorrow morning. Can’t miss Pilates! 🙂

Total Mommy Fail

So yesterday, after my triumphant post, I had the afternoon that just went wrong. My husband came home sick, my daughter pushed every button I have and my plans for the evening got turned upside down. I tried my best to keep my wits about m but I lost it. I actually said that “I that didn’t want to be a mom anymore”. Of course that isn’t true. I would never trade being able to back to being free for my daughter, I wouldn’t do it. She is the best thing that happened to me.

So why did I say that then? Because I was in a mood and my tongue got the best of me, I hurt my daughter’s feelings and that was wrong of me. It was total mommy fail. I wish it wasn’t so but I have to say that I am not perfect. I yelled at my precious daughter for something that really wasn’t her fault. She was tired, I was tired and we both ended up in tears. It was really pathetic to see and I really was the one who needed the scolding and not my daughter.

So I had to apologize to my daughter and pray for God’s forgiveness for my actions. I know that I need to be a better mom to her. I know I have a lot to learn. I am not a bad mom but I need to be better. Only by the grace of God will I be able to be any good as a mother. Only with His help will my daughter become the woman that she is meant to be. I will do my best to raise her but she is God’s girl, and I need to do better. Show her that I love her as much as I do even when I am not having a good day. In those moments, I just need to stop and hug her. I need to forget what I am doing to show her that I love her. That is what God does for me, therefore I need to do the same for her.

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How could I ever be upset with a little face like this? Inconceivable!