Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I think I know where I am going in life and then a curve ball comes my way. Then I go in a different direction and then another curve ball comes my way. I know that is just life, but it can be rather frustrating.
I try to listen to God’s will, but so many times I have no idea what that is. I think I do but then I don’t. You know what I mean? I think I am content where I am then something happens and I am back to square one. It then takes weeks for me to get back to where I was content because I have to grieve all over again.
I am reminded on a daily basis that I want another baby an can’t. I thought that I pregnant again even though my husband was supposed to get a vasectomy in the following two weeks. Since I thought I was pregnant we cancelled it, and now I am regretting that since we have to wait two more months for him to get it.
Where the frustration came in was that I was so happy with our decision and that we were moving forward. Now I feel like I have gone three steps back. Back to where I was when I lost my last baby. I was so angry with God then and I am back to being just as frustrated with Him now. I am trying to be content even in the fresh pain of that wound being reopened, but it’s hard. It is so hard to say God is good when I feel like He is being cruel for leading me on.
So we are back to square one with the whole baby thing and my husband has rescheduled his vasectomy, and I have to remember what hope is. It’s still good to hope even after your heart has been hurt again. That’s what Jesus would want.
He isn’t trying to be cruel because He isn’t that way. We live in a broken world with broken bodies. My body for some reason doesn’t do what it’s supposed to and I will never understand why. I am like a car with an engine, gas, and fresh battery, but it still won’t start. I have tried and tried but it still won’t change.
What I am going to do then? figure out a new way to get around. Maybe in this case my husband’s vasectomy is like changing the gas out for solar and now I will be able to move since I no longer have that one area in my life holding me back. It’s a good thing some times to change things up to be content. I can’t have a baby so we are getting a dog. We don’t want to go through this pain anymore so we are having my husband get a vasectomy. I want to have something to fulfill my life more than just being a mom and wife so I am going back to school. There is so many options for couples who have some that ultimate cross road of whether or not to keep trying.
But I know that I am not a broken car. I am really not broken at all. I am not a fan of it since I have always this – I am different. I am created differently than others because I don’t have the same path as everyone. It might feel like I am broken when I see other women sporting their baby bumps but I have to try to keep at the forefront of my mind that I am made for something different, I have a wonderful husband, and a miracle baby who is playing with her dolls right now. My life is good and my life is full.