PCOS and False Pregnancy Symptoms

Do you have PCOS? Do you have pregnancy symptoms but aren’t pregnant? Well I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I am a woman with PCOS and have these “episodes” too. My OBGYN thinks I’m crazy, my family thinks I’m crazy and even I was thinking I am crazy. And feeling very alone.

It all started for me when my husband and I were trying to conceive our first child. I was so happy since I was feeling pregnant our first month of trying. I waited two weeks and peed on a stick. Only I saw a big ol’ minus sign on the test. Devastated, I waited for my period but it didn’t come for another week and I thought I was going to die. The bleeding was horrendously heavy, the cramping were unbearable, and the clotting was alarming. It lasted for almost two weeks and then finally it was over. I thought for sure it was a miscarriage and according to my Google searches it was.

This happened five more times in a year and each time I was becoming more depressed and honestly and little neurotic. I tried working with my OBGYN, who is really awesome by the way, with blood tests, ultrasounds and any other test she could think of but all told me no matter how much I wanted to be I wasn’t pregnant.

So what did I do? I thought that if it was pregnancy that if my husband got a vasectomy these episodes would stop. Simple right? Well my husband was done trying for another baby since it was ruining me, our marriage and our lives so he went through with the vasectomy. For a little bit it seemed to work and then it happened again. I had my husband give a sample and it was clean. No sperm anywhere. So now I knew I was crazy and the vasectomy didn’t stop anything.

Depressing? Well I was pretty depressed. What was I going to do? Well, I am sorry to say that there isn’t any western medicine that can help us yet. I have tried and there isn’t a single answer there that will actually help. What I can tell you is that you are not alone and you are not crazy. I don’t know what causes these episodes other than it’s hormone related and of course PCOS does a great job of messing with them. But I can assure you that you are not crazy and you are not broken. There are more women out there like you and we stand in support. There are alternative things you can try but those you will have to do some digging with.

You are precious and you are strong. Keep searching for answers because someday some great woman is going to find a full answer that will change everything for everyone. So keep heart and keep your head up.

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Miscarriage One Year Anniversary

It’s hard to believe but a full year has gone by since losing my little one. I don’t know about you, but it has been a crazy one full of emotions, stress, confusion, and lots of tears. It has been a year that in many ways I want to forget, but I can’t. I can’t erase the image of the ultrasound where there was no heartbeat. I can’t forget my husband taking me in for the D&C. I can’t forget having to tell people that I lost the baby. And I can’t seem to heal my heart all the way.

But I have learned a lot about myself and those around me. I have learned who my true friends are and how strong my family circle is. And my relationship with my daughter and husband are stronger than ever. Without this year I wouldn’t have that. I hope you have seen those types of blessings too, Dear Reader.

Are you like me and just celebrated your one year since your tragic loss? Sometimes you don’t know what you want to hear, but this was how it went for me.

My family went to a theme park on the day of the anniversary and it was a blast. We had such a great time as a family and I didn’t even cry once the whole day. It wasn’t until a few days later that it really hit me when my sister went in for her twenty week ultrasound. That was when I felt a piece of the scab over that hole in my heart flake off and a few drops of blood leaked out.

I thought that I was going to be okay with other people having babies, but I guess I personally have some healing to do. That scab is still very tender and fresh, and, when it flakes off, that pain in my heart of hurt, loss, and desire come back. Do you get what I mean?

Many people have tried to tell me that the pain will go away, but they have never lost a child. Only people who have lost a child and a miscarriage specifically know the that the pain doesn’t go away, but you just get really good at hiding it. After a year you are probably just as fet up as I am with the sad looks and the ‘I’m sorry’ messages to last a life time. I just want to be able to be normal again. I want to be able to enjoy other people’s babies and not be jealous because I miss my own.

It is not a fun feeling, but you do learn to live through it and hopefully I will be able to overcome it. I hope so. I know I have come such a far distance from where I was a year ago and I am still moving forward day by day.

I know you will too, Dear Reader. You are strong and can do anything. How do I know that? Because you are still standing here today after the most devastating experience. If you can live through this then you can live through anything.

God has a plan for all of us and I pray that His hand of fertility stays on you even though it did not stay with me. I have my miracle and am thankful for her. She is why I live and my husband too. He is my rock on this earth and the arms of Jesus when I need it most. He has shown such strength and vitality when I know he just wanted to break down and cry most days. I am so thankful for him as well.

So hold tight to what you do have and see the blessings around you. I know that sometimes sounds hard but I know if I can do it, so can you. Take care Dear Reader and God bless.

Still Missing My Baby and Trying to Heal

Today was a really great day, but it now seems like it is ending in tears. Not because anything bad happened (actually something really great happened) but because it shows me that I still have some healing to do. I have been doing really well moving on with my life after my miscarriage going on two months ago, but I have to patient with myself and now that it’s only been two months since we said goodbye to our baby.

So the good thing that happened is that I got to see one of my best friends who lives about eight hours away, and we had a great time.  This friend just happens to be pregnant and our babies were due two days apart. Praise God that her pregnancy is going well and life is good for them. We laughed, talked about their baby, and other thing s that are going on in both our lives since we last got together.What the hard part was that after they left, I started having those physical feelings of being pregnant. My breasts hurt, I was nauseated, and I was hardly able to keep my eyes open. All of my main symptoms with my last pregnancy, and quickly was followed by tears.

How was this all possible when I am not pregnant? Simple, your hormones are very powerful and they can sense things around you and mine picked up on the fact my friend is pregnant and it misses being pregnant. The symptoms are finally now wearing off thankfully since my husband and I made the decision to not try again due to the results of our baby’s pathology report so it wouldn’t like we would be really excited if I was pregnant so soon after a D&C. It would be heartbreaking since the odds of it ending the same way as our last four would be rather high. It would be a thing that would be a stress and worry and not a thing of joy and happiness that a new baby should bring.

What it just proved to me was how much I miss my baby and how far I have left to heal. Someday I will be healed but right now the wounds are still there. If you are same place, we are in this together. It doesn’t happen over night and God is with me every step of the way. I still don’t understand why this has happened to us and I probably never will this side of heaven. All I know is that I have to keep the faith and enjoy the family He has given me.

God bless!

Miscarriage Memorial Celebration

To anyone who has lost a child and are looking for a way to make sure they are not forgotten, here is the right place to be. First it is not silly and it is totally valid for wanting to have a memorial for your little one no matter the age because we did something for our lost little ones. Let me tell you my story of what we did and maybe it will spark some inspiration for your event.

A week after my D&C was an emotional day for us because we got to have a celebration that recognized the life of our little angels. It was a such a sweet time and I wasn’t sure what my family would think about it but they came to give their support. Turns out they loved the idea of the celebration because we all believe that these were little people and now they are in heaven waiting to meet us someday.

I read a letter I wrote to my children and other family members said a few words. It was so nice to have that time to mourn over the losses as a family instead of just a couple. I think it’s totally ok to bring other family members into the grieving process because they have a version of it themselves. Our parents are mourning the loss of grandchildren, our siblings are mourning the loss of nieces/nephews, and we are mourning the loss of our children. They are all children just with different titles to different people.

After we had our time of speaking and crying, we then went out and hung a wind chime in their memory with four little butterflies on top.

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I chose to go with butterflies because there is a cool identity behind them. At first I thought maybe angels since we call them our little angels or rainbows because of God’s promise, but then I thought about the butterfly.

A butterfly is a cool insect because it is the picture of transformation. On earth we are like the little caterpillar soaking up God’s word and getting ready to make that cocoon, and then the process of death in the symbolized in the cocoon and when the butterfly breaks out we enter into God’s glory and take on our new heavenly bodies. Well, my little butterflies got to be transformed just a little bit faster than the rest of us. They didn’t have to deal with a regular body outside the womb that gets old and broken. They got to go from the most innocent version of anyone to being born into this perfect body up in heaven. So for that reason I wanted to have butterflies on the wind chime, and my parents found the most perfect one that has the most heavenly sound. It truly doe sound like my little butterflies laughing.

Another thing I got to keep my little butterflies close is I got a Miscarriage Remembrance Necklace from a beautiful Etsy Shop called Brilliant Keepsakes.

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There are so many options but this one just spoke to me since we have a good idea that our last baby was going to be a girl but we are not sure what the other three were since they only lived for a few weeks. I look forward to wearing this in their honor

And one last option we found to remember our little ones is by a Memory Angel Christmas Ornament . We ordered this one off Etsy as well from a shop called Charminglee Charms. We haven’t received it yet but it will be beautiful too. We ordered it with the color bead that would have been her birth month, and we will probably be ordering three more with the other babies projected birth month stone colors as well.

Even with the celebration past, I still miss my babies very much. I will always miss them, but I have hope that I will get to see them again. I will get to meet all four of them when it’s my time to be with Jesus and I can’t wait.

So if you have lost a little one, maybe hanging a wind chime, wearing a necklace or getting something like an ornament, any choice would work well for you to remember that they were a person. They weren’t just a bunch of cells whether you got to see a heartbeat or not. They were your baby and deserve to be remembered. Don’t let anyone make you think that you are making a big deal out of nothing. Losing a baby is painful wether it was at a few weeks or after birth. A baby is a baby and they deserve to be remembered forever.

Good luck and my prayers are with you.

A Mother is Always a Mother

So this weekend has been a tough one for me and my family. It was a weekend that we have tried so hard to avoid but it didn’t work out. If you are a follower on Facebook with me, you have heard part of the story but here is the whole story from the beginning.

On September 17, 2016 I knew that I had been feeling pregnant again and I was terrified. It was going to be the fourth time this year that this has happened and I know that I was just going to wait until I miscarried and not even bother taking a test this. I mean we had our infertility appointment set for the next so it would nave been a good time for it to happen anyway. But then I counted out the days since my last period and noticed that this time I had gone farther than any of the other three so I took a chance and took a test. To my amazement, I saw a plus sign. I was pregnant! Confirmed pregnant! No one could tell me that it was my imagination or that I was over thinking things.  I was pregnant.

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So I we happened to be going to an amusement park the next day with my family the next day so I had to tell them or it would have been really awkward. They were all excited since we had finally had a positive and had given up on trying. It looked like God was going to give a blessing.

So I went to my first appointment and everything looked and we got to hear the heartbeat. I was confident now that the baby had made it this far that it was going to make it to the end like my daughter. Went the second appoint and same thing. Everything was going smoothly except for a couple of scares that I went to the ER for as a precaution but they weren’t the type that were uncommon. Everyone kept saying everything was fine. To the point that I started putting a baby registry together.

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Then on November 10, 2016 I expected to go see my thriving baby and that wasn’t the case. I had just in the ER the week earlier and I heard the heartbeat. Now I lying there and there isn’t one. My baby was gone. There are really words to describe that feeling of seeing a thriving baby one time and then a shell the next. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to experience. I still close my eyes and all I see is the ultrasound with a flat line where my baby’s heartbeat should be.

I got to be with my angel for ten weeks and then she (we believe due to all my symptoms and my little bump I was forming were identical to our daughter) went to be with the Lord. Then on top of it all I had to D&C the next day since the baby had shrunk so much that my doctor was now worried for my health. So in a matter of 24 hours I went from being pregnant, to not being pregnant, to having a surgery. I was beyond words and all I could do was cry.

I couldn’t believe that what we thought was going to be our blessing for everything we have gone through this year had now turned into another heartbreaking event. The only thing was that I am not as angry at God anymore since I have gone through tree others. The thing with my reaction God was ‘make me barren or give me child’. I am done with the games. I don’t want to keep going through this and I don’t want to keep putting my family through this. It isn’t fair to anyone.

Thankfully the D&C went well and for now I seem to be healing nicely. I guess we will just see how things go. But there is still a lot of mourning going on in my home. My husband is just floored and upset. He is so tired of the loss. I am trying to be brave but it is hard.

I am still a mother since I have living proof of my daughter but I am really a mother of five not just one. Only you can’t see them, and that is so hard. It is easy for people to remember my daughter because she is with us and people have met her,e but one got to meet this little one or our other angels. I am so afraid of them being forgotten. They are just as much my kids as my daughter but they only live on in my husband’s and mine’s hearts.

We don’t know what the next step is from here since we haven’t heard back on the pathology report. I hope they can give us some answers since we have nothing but questions. Will we try for another baby? I have no idea. I have to grieve after this one before I can think about that. I do know we are running out of time for any more children and our daughter to be close in age. If it doesn’t happen by summer then we are more than likely done.

This has been a really hard road but I rejoice in knowing someday I will get to meet all four of my angels. Jesus please take care of them because down here on earth I want them back.