How to Not Give Up on Life

So this past week has been a crazy one in the fact that the bug of the year has gone through my whole household. You know, the yucky one with the coughing, high fever, chills, and nose that won’t stop running for you to reach over and get a new tissue? Yeah that one. Even my toddle has it. Poor baby girl 😦 But I think that it has hit me the hardest next to my daughter.

My husband was lucky and only got the dry cough and runny nose part but I got the 103ish degree fever, blizzard feeling chills, and body wrenching cough. It was a rough couple of days since I had to wait to see my nutritionist. I got really excited the morning my fever had broke, but that only lasted for twelve hours and I was back to being wrapped in three blankets because I was so “cold” but my husband could have cooked dinner on my forehead by that next evening.

I just laid on my couch unable to open my eyes because they burned so bad and hot acid tears seeped through. It may not sound like a big deal to you, but, if you have been following my blog for any length of time, this is not my first recent encounter with having to fight for my life, my livelihood, and my family.

2016 I have deemed the year of The Fight. I’ll recap really quickly for anyone who is new.

  • March – My husband almost died from a “mysterious virus”
  • April – I got a upper respiratory cold and two weeks later was admitted in the hospital with 89% oxygen levels because of pneumonia. I was then sent home with oxygen since my lungs were so damaged they couldn’t function right on their own. After being home for two days, I wasn’t getting better, I was getting worse again and we finally figured it out. We had to flee the rental due to black toxic mold.
  • May – July – Proceeded to fight for was right but it was useless. Both the management company and our landlord decided not to the right thing and take care of us. Rather they made it worse by breaking law after law to cover up the fact that there was mold in the home. (We might be young, but we have been screwed enough that we know renter’s rights pretty well and they breeched the lease at least three times with non notified entry.) It got to the point that we had to hire an attorney to represent us, but there was little she could do since there are no solid mold laws in California except ward off our landlord suing us. After doing some intense research, the only thing that could be done with our items was to discard them, but no one was willing to step foot in the home knowing of the black mold so we just left most of it and only took what we thought we could save. (Side note: It was futile. Nothing we own now is from the old home. EVERYTHING had to be throw away that wasn’t glass, hard porcelain, or metal.) So in total we lost everything we had ever owned and had to replace everything which has led us to be in credit card debit for the first time in our marriage.
  • July – We were blessed to be able to buy a home that we are still praying is a safe place for us to heal from the toxic mold poisoning, but we literally moved in with the clothes in our bags and a few things that people had given to us. Thankfully though my husband works with a lot of awesome people and they fulfilled the majority of what we needed. We would still probably be watching TV on the floor if it wasn’t for them.
  • August – December – Now was the really fight debt and it seems like we will never win. Satan doesn’t like God’s kids to be happy and one of the obstacles we had to face immediately were things with the house we bought. The previous owners did nothing to maintain it and we are not going to do what all of our landlords did with short cutting repairs. So With the home repairs, the attorney, another thing that had come up, and the credit card, we have been fighting to stay afloat without going crazy.

Now many of you are thinking “Well that is just life”, and you are correct. Life throws things at you and that is just how it goes, but to have a Job year is only something that someone who has had one can fully understand. You get to the point where hope seems to be something of fairytales and you are constantly keeping a look out for what could go wrong next. You keep going until you reach a breaking point, and, for me, it was this bug.

All I could think about was that I didn’t want to keep fighting anymore. I just wanted to be with Jesus and have it all be over. My husband could see it in my body language and forbade me from having the thoughts he knew were going through my head because he had had the same ones start last year. He told me how much I am needed and that the fight isn’t all in vain. He kept reminding me of how Emma needed her mommy. I knew he was right, but there was a part of me that was so tired.

It was like those movies you see where the character has the choice to either drown or decide to fight back the surface because they aren’t done living yet? It was kind of like that. I literally couldn’t move but I just kept uttering the word “Jesus”. I knew I couldn’t fight anymore. I needed Jesus to fight for me. I then was stilled and fell asleep.

I was awoken by my bladder a few hours later and my fever was gone, the chills were gone, I wasn’t coughing and was able to think straight. It was literally like God had taken over my body and healed me to be able to have the strength to fight again, and I did. I was able to go see my nutritionist that next day and she got me on some things that have really turned it around for me.

So The whole point of this blog post was just to encourage you that when are truly weak Jesus is strong. He is right there to help you and all He wants to hear is to have you call out to Him. I was trying to do it on my own and I lost. I have to remember to let Jesus take my burden. I can’t change the past but I can help the future my trusting in Him that He works everything out for my good, even with this awful bug.

True Mother Feelings

I had a interesting night with my daughter last night. She must have eaten something bad at a restaurant that made her sick (I was also sick from this restaurant) because right before bed she started vomiting everywhere. It was so scary for me.

I never understood what my mom meant when she said she had more sleepless nights when we were

grown than we were babies until last night. While my daughter had finished throwing up at the moment and was now sleeping in her bed, I was a nervous wreck thinking that she was going to choke or something in her sleep. I stayed up late to make sure she didn’t have another episode and sure enough she did. I was on the floor with her on her stomach and obviously not feeling well in tears. It was the worst feeling ever.

I wanted to help her so bad but there was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless that all I could do is pray for her healing. I then spent the rest of the night lying awake at every move that came from her room. It was like when she was a new born again and I slept in her room for two months because I was afraid that she would be lost to SIDS. It was something out of my control and I had to leave her in God’s hands and just wait to see how things looked in the morning.

It was a long night but, after a night of prayer, she woke up with a smile and no more sickness. It was a good lesson for me to remember how to trust God in everything. He is my shield and stay. If something does happen to my daughter, I just have to remember that I can only do my best and the rest is up to God. He has plan for my daughter and it will be completed when it is completed. Until then she will be safe in my arms and I will enjoy her everyday.

Because with great love comes with a risk. If I didn’t want to have that risk of losing her I would never have had children but that isn’t the case. I love being a mom and I look forward to having more children in the future. How soon I don’t know since my daughter wasn’t planned according to my timeline but she was just on time on God’s timeline for me. I love her more than words can express and I will always be there to protect her. She is my light and my love. She is the best thing, next to my husband and family, that God has given to me and I plan to take care of His gifts to me with all my might.

So bring on these next few years where colds and flus are normal. I am ready… And I have a stock pile of tissues to go with it 😉

Pretty girl playing at the park :)
Pretty girl playing at the park 🙂